Back to December

I watched as the snow flakes fell from the sky onto my windowpane. It was the month of December, the month I hated the most. It was the month I had my heart broken. It was the month I left him. It was the month I lost my best friend. It was the month I found out I was pregnant. It's been three years since that has all occurred, and I now have a 2 year old named Luke Sidney Crosby. Named after his father, my best friend. Sidney was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I had to break up with him. I knew if he had found out, everything would be up for ruins. The press would find out, the fans too, which I knew it would ruin his dream of being the hockey player he is today. I knew it would be my fault, but I regret it ever since.

The cold came, and the dark nights. Fear crept into my mind. All you ever gave me was your love, and all I gave you was goodbye.

Today was a rather cold day, colder than usual December days were, but that didn't stop Luke from wanting to go out to get some hot chocolate. I gave into him and I grabbed his hand. I grabbed his coat, snow pants, boots, mittens, and his hat. I brushed the hair out of his face. Every time I look at Luke, all I can see is Sidney. The only thing he had that was mine was my light brown hair colour, and the shape of his eyes. He had Sidney's eye colour, curls, nose, and smile. After brushing the hair out of his face, I grabbed his hand again, and we started our short walk to Tim Hortons together. Once we got inside there wasn't that much people inside, which was a good thing. I remember coming to this exact Tim Hortons when I met Sid play against my favourite team, the Toronto Maple Leafs. We started getting close, and every time he'd come to Toronto, we'd go to this exact Tim Hortons. This was the exact Tim Hortons to where we had our first kiss. It was the summer where I first found happiness. It was a summer full of memories. The first summer I was with Sidney.

I think about summer all the beautiful times, I watched you laughing from the passenger side. Then I realized I loved you in the fall.

I came back to reality when I realized Luke wasn't by my side. No, No, No, No! This couldn't be happening! "Luke!" I yelled. There was no answer. I started running around this rather large Tim Hortons looking for Luke. Tears started streaming out of my eyes. "Luke!" I yelled again. I heard his familiar laugh, and I saw some rather tall guys talking to Luke. "Oh my god, Luke! Don't you ever run off like that again. You got that?" I pulled him into my arms, as I kissed his forehead.

"I'm fine mommy!" Luke had said. I heard a cough and I looked towards the people who were talking to Luke. Once I realized who one of those people were, my heart started to skip beats. It was Sidney. He was just as handsome since the last time I saw him. His face looked shocked. He pulled his ball cap from his head and he smiled at me. I couldn't forgot that perfect smile and those warm hazel eyes. I put Luke on the ground as he put his arm around my legs.

"Hi, Sidney." I said softly. He really couldn't get anything out of his mouth. Although he kept mouthing the word, 'mommy'.

I remember the days I haven't been sleeping. I stayed up playing back myself leaving. When your birthday passed, I didn't call. I knew this was the day I have been dreading, but I knew I had to tell him this. It is his own son after all.

"Um, Sidney, this is Luke. I guess right now, it's a good time to mention he is your son." I said stupidly as I closed my eyes. I opened them to reveal the glare he was giving me.

"Yeah, like this really helps so much right now, Brooke." He spat at me.

"Sidney, please don't hate me. I know you have hated me for the past 3 years, but please just don't hate me anymore. I had to do this." I said quietly. He closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. He stayed quiet for a couple of seconds until we finally spoke.

"I guess now I know why you left." I nodded, and he stepped closer to me, "Brooke, why did you do that? Did you think that I was going to dump you if I found out that you were pregnant or something?" He asked.

I sighed, "Yes, Sidney. I was afraid of what everyone would think. The fans, the press. I didn't want this to ruin your dream. I didn't want anyone to hate me."

"Brooke, we created Luke together, not just you. He is my responsibility just as much as yours. As for the fans and the press, I am pretty sure I made it clear that you came before all of them, and this wouldn't ruin my dream. My dream was being in the NHL, and I fulfilled that dream before all of this."

"I'm sorry." I couldn't look at him.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.

"Brooke, look at me." he commanded. I shook my head, "You're still as stubborn as you were 3 years ago." He muttered. He reached out one finger and placed it under my chin, to force me to look into his eyes. "Why did you do this? Can you please tell me why?"

"I already told you, Sidney. I was scared." I answered, stubbornly.

"That's not the whole truth, Brooke." I sighed and crossed my arms, "How about we go to your place so we can talk this all out." Sidney suggested.

"Fine." I started stomping away. Sidney lifted Luke into his arms and followed me. I heard Sidney and Luke talk on the way to my apartment, which I guess is a good thing. When we got to the apartment I took Luke from Sidney's arms and put him down in his bed for a nap. I then returned to where Sidney was sitting on the couch in the living room. I sat on the opposite side of the couch.

"It's pretty cold here in Canada, eh." Sidney broke the silence.

"Yeah, it is. How's hockey?" I asked.

"Busier than ever." He chuckled.

I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life? Tell me how's your family. I haven't seen you in a while. You've been good, busier than ever. We small talk, work and the weather. Your guard is up, and I know why.

Finally, I sighed giving into Sidney, "The real reason why I left was because I got raped, by my brother's best friend. He didn't use any protection. A few weeks later I took a pregnancy test, it was positive." Tears slowly fell from my rosey cheeks and onto the couch leaving wet marks. Sidney moved over closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. He just whispered sweet things to my ears, which sounded like music.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right. The way you held me in your arms that September night, first time you ever saw me cry.

"Brooke, it's okay. Just tell me what happened next. Please tell me you did something about your brothers friend. Please don't tell me he is still out there." He rubbed my back.

"Yes, Sidney. We did something about him. Anyways, I didn't know who's baby it was. I knew if it was Kyle, Sam's friend, you wouldn't want to take care of the baby. So I just broke up with you." I paused, "Once Luke was born we took a test, and it wasn't Kyle's. So it turns out that Luke is your baby. Although, I still pack up and left to go back to Toronto, because I knew you wouldn't want to be with me after what I did to you. There wasn't a single day after that that I didn't wish that I could go back to December, but I just couldn't bring myself to swallow my pride, until today."

So this me swallowing my pride standing in front saying I'm sorry for that night, and I go back to December all the time.

For the next couple of minutes, it was pretty quiet. All you could hear was the heavy breathing of Luke from down the hall. Finally, Sidney broke it. "Brooke."

"Yes, Sidney?"

"It's December." He pointed out.

"I know." I whispered.

He picked me up off his lap, and stood me up. He then stood up beside me, and placed his hands in mine. "Then let's go back to December.", he whispered before placing his lips on mine.