Status: Two shot. Completed.
Wasted Time On You
the remains of my wasted youth.
Have you ever imagined a boy so perfect for you that you slowly watched as he became real? As he stood before you, running his fingers through his spiky hair and smiling his adorable smile every chance he could? As he watched his masterpiece unfold on the stage as a loving band with a loving fan base? Have you ever imagined that he could be yours, forever and always, and you could live happily ever after? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but in the real world, there are no fairy tale endings, and any ending ends up hurting you. You end up wasting your entire life chasing the perfect boy, and usually, he doesn't want you. That's what happened to me anyway. But I didn't have to wait my entire life to find him. I found him when I was six years old, swinging on the playground. Our friendship grew until we were inseparable, but I ruined it all. How, you ask?
I didn't love him like he loved me.
He was my best friend, and no matter how many times people said we were perfect for each other, I refused to believe it. I didn't want to be that cliché girl who ends up with her best friend all along. That wasn't how my story was going to go. Me and Matt spent every moment of our time together, but it never seemed like enough. We could talk for hours on end, and we did. Our parents grew to be close as well, and most of my Friday nights were spent with my family and his, just hanging out and being kids. Matt was loud and silly, which in turn made me giggly and smiling. When Matt was around, there was no reason why someone shouldn't be rolling on the floor in laughter. After all, it was what I did.
As we grew up, we promised each other that we'd never leave each behind. He wanted to be in the music business, maybe manage a band, and I wanted to move to Europe to be a photographer. He made me promise that I'd come back once a month to see him, because Matty would miss his Emmy. I made Matt promise me that he would never forget me, and all the promises we made, because every superhero needs a sidekick.
Matt was the peanut to my butter, the straw to my berry, and the Buzz to my Woody. His calm manner left you wondering, but his bubbly attitude and total disregard for social boundaries made him an outcast, and me with him. Not that we minded. We spent our time watching Disney movies and eating those WonderBall candies that my mother always bought in bulk. Matt was the type of guy who would never hurt a soul, but would stick up for you. There were countless times were Matt would come through my bedroom window and wipe away my tears.
When we were seniors in high school, moments away from graduating and making something out of our lives, Matt told me that he was in love with me. That since that first day at the playground, he had known that he was perfect for me. But there was a catch, there was always a catch in the world of Matt. He couldn't wait for me, not anymore. He was so sick of waiting for me to fall for him, that he was giving up.
I never saw him again after graduation.
So, there's always the infinite question. Why didn't I fall in love with him?
The truth is, I did. But I couldn't allow myself to break his heart like that. I knew something he didn't, and it was killing me inside, but I couldn't hurt him. He was my everything, I couldn't hurt my Matty. In the summer before senior year, I found out I was dying. I had brain cancer, and they couldn't figure out how to treat it. The cancer would develop, slowly at first, but more rapidly with every passing year. And I would die. We didn't know when. That was the scariest part. I couldn't let myself fall in love, just to die. No. That's not how my life was going to work.
I knew that Matt ended doing exactly what he wanted to do. He was the tour manager for All Time Low, and he clearly loved what he did. I had watched Straight To DVD, and was pleased to see that he still loved Disney as much as he did when we were brother and sister, best friends, and family.
Without Matt by my side, however, nothing feels right anymore. It feels empty, missing that contagious laughter and love for life I don't have anymore. I wanted Matt by my side, as I lay in my hospital bed, mentally preparing myself to die. I was alone; without Matt, there was no one I wanted to see anymore. I wanted to die alone. The only person in the room was the nurse, but she truly didn't count. She had sat with me, and wrote down me and Matt's legacy, crying with me and laughing with me. She wanted to find Matt, but I told her no. This was my battle to fight, and I was going to lose. I closed my eyes, the pain of a constricted chest weighing me down. I could feel my body preparing to die, the pain in my chest like having a teenage Matt sit on my rib cage. I felt the salty tears sting my cheeks, and I regretted everything. I regretted letting him go, and not giving him the chance for us to love each for however many years its been since we last saw each other. Deep down inside, I wanted to believe that it was worth it, and that everything I had been through would, in the end, make me and Matt's reunion that much more beautiful.
Except Matt wasn't here. And I was going to die.
The nurse came to sit beside me, trying so hard not to cry. She was young, looking about 22. Only three years younger than me. She took my hand, and I smiled, trying to put on my brave face. As I closed my eyes, I felt like my eyes would never open again. I chuckled as the nurse began to cry, full out wracking sobs. I could no longer feel the tears streaming down my own cheeks.
“It's okay, I'm ready to die,” I whispered, opening my eyes and pulling an envelope out from under my pillow and handing it to the nurse. She looked at me funny. “Please, give that to Matt. He deserves to know the truth.” I began to quietly sing “Coffee Shop Soundtrack”, the song about me. I felt like my entire life was a song fiction for that, but in truth, it was my reality. I gasped, my chest constricting again. “Coffee Shop Soundtrack,” I whispered, before my eyes closed for a final time.
I didn't love him like he loved me.
He was my best friend, and no matter how many times people said we were perfect for each other, I refused to believe it. I didn't want to be that cliché girl who ends up with her best friend all along. That wasn't how my story was going to go. Me and Matt spent every moment of our time together, but it never seemed like enough. We could talk for hours on end, and we did. Our parents grew to be close as well, and most of my Friday nights were spent with my family and his, just hanging out and being kids. Matt was loud and silly, which in turn made me giggly and smiling. When Matt was around, there was no reason why someone shouldn't be rolling on the floor in laughter. After all, it was what I did.
As we grew up, we promised each other that we'd never leave each behind. He wanted to be in the music business, maybe manage a band, and I wanted to move to Europe to be a photographer. He made me promise that I'd come back once a month to see him, because Matty would miss his Emmy. I made Matt promise me that he would never forget me, and all the promises we made, because every superhero needs a sidekick.
Matt was the peanut to my butter, the straw to my berry, and the Buzz to my Woody. His calm manner left you wondering, but his bubbly attitude and total disregard for social boundaries made him an outcast, and me with him. Not that we minded. We spent our time watching Disney movies and eating those WonderBall candies that my mother always bought in bulk. Matt was the type of guy who would never hurt a soul, but would stick up for you. There were countless times were Matt would come through my bedroom window and wipe away my tears.
When we were seniors in high school, moments away from graduating and making something out of our lives, Matt told me that he was in love with me. That since that first day at the playground, he had known that he was perfect for me. But there was a catch, there was always a catch in the world of Matt. He couldn't wait for me, not anymore. He was so sick of waiting for me to fall for him, that he was giving up.
I never saw him again after graduation.
So, there's always the infinite question. Why didn't I fall in love with him?
The truth is, I did. But I couldn't allow myself to break his heart like that. I knew something he didn't, and it was killing me inside, but I couldn't hurt him. He was my everything, I couldn't hurt my Matty. In the summer before senior year, I found out I was dying. I had brain cancer, and they couldn't figure out how to treat it. The cancer would develop, slowly at first, but more rapidly with every passing year. And I would die. We didn't know when. That was the scariest part. I couldn't let myself fall in love, just to die. No. That's not how my life was going to work.
I knew that Matt ended doing exactly what he wanted to do. He was the tour manager for All Time Low, and he clearly loved what he did. I had watched Straight To DVD, and was pleased to see that he still loved Disney as much as he did when we were brother and sister, best friends, and family.
Without Matt by my side, however, nothing feels right anymore. It feels empty, missing that contagious laughter and love for life I don't have anymore. I wanted Matt by my side, as I lay in my hospital bed, mentally preparing myself to die. I was alone; without Matt, there was no one I wanted to see anymore. I wanted to die alone. The only person in the room was the nurse, but she truly didn't count. She had sat with me, and wrote down me and Matt's legacy, crying with me and laughing with me. She wanted to find Matt, but I told her no. This was my battle to fight, and I was going to lose. I closed my eyes, the pain of a constricted chest weighing me down. I could feel my body preparing to die, the pain in my chest like having a teenage Matt sit on my rib cage. I felt the salty tears sting my cheeks, and I regretted everything. I regretted letting him go, and not giving him the chance for us to love each for however many years its been since we last saw each other. Deep down inside, I wanted to believe that it was worth it, and that everything I had been through would, in the end, make me and Matt's reunion that much more beautiful.
Except Matt wasn't here. And I was going to die.
The nurse came to sit beside me, trying so hard not to cry. She was young, looking about 22. Only three years younger than me. She took my hand, and I smiled, trying to put on my brave face. As I closed my eyes, I felt like my eyes would never open again. I chuckled as the nurse began to cry, full out wracking sobs. I could no longer feel the tears streaming down my own cheeks.
“It's okay, I'm ready to die,” I whispered, opening my eyes and pulling an envelope out from under my pillow and handing it to the nurse. She looked at me funny. “Please, give that to Matt. He deserves to know the truth.” I began to quietly sing “Coffee Shop Soundtrack”, the song about me. I felt like my entire life was a song fiction for that, but in truth, it was my reality. I gasped, my chest constricting again. “Coffee Shop Soundtrack,” I whispered, before my eyes closed for a final time.