Inside Bruins Hockey With Micky And Marchy

CRASHING OF ROXY AND TUUKKA’S APARTMENT
JANUARY 19TH, 2011
BOSTON

“WHERE IS THE NEAREST IPARTY!?” I was nearly plowed over onto my ass by a raging Canadian as I opened the door.
“OH MY GOD!” I cried out in surprise. “What the hell was that for Marchand!?” Bergeron, Tyler, Lucic, and Krejci came following in after Marchand. “Holy shit, where did you guys come from?”
“Outside your door.”
“Your mom.” Krejci and Lucic said at the same time before looking at each other. I’ll leave you to figure out who said what. Rolling my eyes, I then reverted back to Marchy.
“Ok, so what were you screa-” I looked at the floor. “OH. MY. GOD. WHO TRACKED IN DIRTY SNOW ALL OVER THE CARPET!? I JUST CLEANED IT!” All the guys pointed at Marchy and he gave a timid smile.
“Hi.”
“MARCHAAAAND!”
“Don’t KILL ME!” I then started to smack the stupid Canadian onto the tile floor, his shoes covered in dirty city snow.
“I’m not going to kill you! Just stay on the tile!”
“What…the hell…is going on?” Everyone reverted their attention to a bewildered Tuukka standing in the doorway of the bathroom staring at the chaotic scene that just exploded in his home.
“Our apartment has been crashed and Bradina tracked in snow all over THE. WHITE. CARPET!” Tuukka looked at the footprints and Marchand who was cowering from my attacks.
“Idiot.” Was all he said.
“Alright, Roxy, you know Boston like it’s the back of your hand, where is the nearest iParty?” Bergeron asked. After giving one good kick at Marchand, I looked at the more mature man of Team Canada.
“It’s in Cambridge, why?”
“It’s Boychuk’s birthday! We’re collecting the team and crashing his house.” Tyler commented.
“We want to decorate the house while smashing a cake into his face and give him twenty-seven punches at the same time too.” Lucic said.
“The twenty-seven punches will be from the enforcers I’m guessing right?” I asked.
“You know it!”
“So immature…I LOVE IT!” I cried, fist pumping the air. “Let’s go to iParty NOW!” I ran around the apartment collecting my shoes and jacket. Marchand went to walk off the kitchen tiles and I snapped. “NO! STAY!”
“Well how am I suppose to leave the house!?”
“You don’t until your feet dry! Let’s go guys!”
“Hey! Don’t leave me!” Marchand whined as I skipped out of the house.

*****

“Uggg Marchand! You have slush all over the floor of my car!” Bergeron whined when Marchand finally finished jumping in the back of the vehicle.
“Wah, wah, wah, just drive.”
“Someone wrap duct tape around his mouth for me.” Bergy asked politely, as if he didn’t just command cruel torture on the short guy.
“ON IT!” Lucic cried.
“NO!” Marchy and I then heard my boyfriend grunt as a scuffle broke out.
“Lucic, get your ass off me!”
“Not until I’ve duct taped Marchand’s mouth shut, I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile.”
“BERGERON, I HATE YOU!”
“Bergeron, I love you.” Tyler commented, video taping the whole thing. I ignored the fiasco going on in the back of the SUV and then began playing with the radio. The song that came blasting out instantly got me dancing and singing along.
“Yes! Hollywood Undead!” I then began to blare out the lyrics. “EVERYWHERE I GO, BITCHES ALWAYS KNOW, THAT CHARLIE SCENE HAS GOT A WEENIE THAT HE LOVES TO SHOOOW!”
“Are we there yet…” Krejci grumbled.
“I was about to ask that myself and I’m the driver.” Bergeron answered as I began to give him directions while continuing to sing Everywhere I Go.

*****

“Shit this iParty is HUGE!” Marchand cried. I smacked him at his outburst since we got glared at by some lady who covered her little son’s ears with her hands at the sound of Marchy’s swear.
“Americans and their need to have the most craziest stuff at their parties.” Krejci commented, poking the hula skirts.
“Wear one of those to practice, you’d be legendary.” Lucic said.
“Hell no!” Krejci said, about to chuck the Tiki man party cup at Lucic when I intervened.
“Ok, guys! Stop it! We’re here for Boychuk. Krejci, no American jokes, you live here now! Lucic, no, no hula skirts at practice. Marchand, no swears! Bergeron- fine walk away without me!” I yelled after Bergeron who was on his way to the birthday section with Rask. Me and the other guys quickly hurried after them, but having to quickly jump into the baby shower isle to hide from a fat guy in a Bruins hat.
“Can’t take chances!” I said as we all ducked.
“Roxy, can you please walk up to Rask with an IT’S A BOY balloon? I want to see his face.” Marchand said as he pulled down the balloon.
“Marchy!” I snapped.
“What!? It’s a funny joke!”
“It’s on cameraaaaa!” Tyler added.
“That’s more of an incentive to not do it.” I said, refusing to take the balloon.
“I’ll give sushi.”
“OK!” I said, snatching the balloon from Marchy and walking casually down the isles looking for Bergy and my boyfriend. Sushi always can give a motivation to do something like this!
“Tuukka!” I said cheerfully, skipping up to him with the balloon in my hand. He looked at me then at the blue floating orb and then slapped his face.
“Marchand bribed you to do this didn’t he…”
“How did you know!?” Marchand cried.
“Cause who else would! And you’re clearly not pregnant Roxy, you’re not looking fat at all.”
“Best compliment of the day. Alright, time to let the balloon go!” I let go of the string and the thing went floating to the ceiling.
POW!
“I DIDN’T DO IT!” I cried as pieces of balloon rained down on my head.
“HAHAHA!!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!” Lucic cried.
“And it’s all on camera!”
“Wahhhh…” I wailed, standing in the isle as the whole store started to come and investigate.
“Quick! Birthday isle! Dive into it!” All seven of us clambered into the other isle for birthday and acted like nothing happened as the store began to inspect the sound and source. We all came face to face with the Over The Hill collection. Silently, we all looked at each other at the sight then focused back on the racks. Then in a frenzy we attacked everything and dumped it in a shopping cart we managed to snag. Boychuk was fucking twenty-seven today, might as well be Over the Hill!

*****

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
“Roxy, get that out of my face.”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
“I swear to god….”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
“STOP HOVERING THAT THING IN MY FACE OR YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY FOR A WEEK!”
CRASH!
The tiny, lightweight remote control helicopter I was playing with in the middle of the Prudential Mall instantly smashed on the floor at Tuukka’s feet as everyone’s heads turned towards us.
“I think you could have used a different threat.” Lucic said, breaking the awkward silence. The Asian kiosk worker glared at us for a) yelling and causing a scene and b) probably breaking the little helicopter.
“Yeah, probably wasn’t the smartest thing to yell.” Tuukka stated.
“Yeah, I learned a little bit more about you two then I needed!” Marchand snapped. I scooped up the helicopter and stuck my tongue out at Marchand.
“You’re just jealous cause you haven’t had anything for a year!” I got a glare in return as I gently set the helicopter back on its TRY ME pedestal. Marchand’s face contorted and he began to sputter angrily and I quickly ignored him, looking instead at the thirty dollar helicopters. “Well, of all the shit we’ve seen so far, this is the only thing I can really see dear Chuky himself getting all ecstatic about.”
“It’s so…kid oriented though.” Tuuk said. I looked at him with raised eyebrows.
“Tuukka, how long have you been with the Boston Bruins? Two years? You should know by now that Boychuk may be turning twenty-seven and about to put one leg in the grave but he’s the most immature twenty-seven year old that you will ever meet and would play with little toy helicopters.” I grabbed a black and yellow Boston Bruins limited edition one and went to buy it. “I’m getting it for him. You watch! He’s going to be all over it like a kid in a candy store.” Bergeron was looking at the black and red one and stroking his chin.
“Hmmm…” He said. Marchand finally got over my dis and was staring at the display too, eyes looking at the black and blue one.
“You thinking what I’m thinking…” Marchy asked.
“I’m getting one.”
“Me too. I want to go to war with these things!” Marchy and Bergy both grabbed them and were standing in the cash register with me and I looked at them.
“You’re suppose to be shopping for Boychuk!”
“Screw it, he can’t have all the fun today!” Marchand said, looking at his helicopter with glee. Seguin showed up not long after with his own Boston Bruins one.
“Should we bring these to practice? Coach would kill us.” Krejci was poking the display one’s propellers while Lucic was debating over black and green or black and orange.
“Seguin, you are a genius!” Bergeron stated, slapping the teen on the back. “We’re diving bombing his head with these things!” When Lucic ended up in line with a black and green one, Krejci with the same model, I broke.
“TUUUKKKAAAA!” I cried.
“Whaaaaaat?” He called, from the other kiosk that held cellphone cases.
“Grab me a black and red one! I’m buying one!”
“Oh hell no, you are not dive bombing me with that thing!” Tuukka griped.
“Oh get over it you stupid Scandinavian, is Team Canada and the Czech-Canadian Alliance are getting one I need one too! We’re battling these things at Boychuk’s and dive bombing Coach before the game tomorrow!” I defended.
“No.” He said.
“But baaaaaaabe…” I whined, putting on my sad face that I rarely use. Tuukka sighed agitatedly at my face.
“You ready to pay!?” The Asian man roared, clearly irritated about all these adults attacking his helicopter kiosk.
“YES!” I shoved Boychuk’s helicopter into his hand and then threw on the black and red one the Tuukka finally broke and handed to me.

*****

Knock, knock!
“Oh man, oh man, oh man, I want to put the streamers everywhere.” Marchand said, holding on to the rolls and rolls of black and silver Over The Hill streamers on his arms.
“Pfft, I want to give him his twenty-seven punches.” Lucic said.
“Me too.” McQuaid piped up.
“Me three!” Thorton commented. “I may be in my thirties but hell, I’m an enforcer, I need to punch something.”
“Who’s idea was it for Over The Hill decorations…” Recchi asked, looking at the RIP tombstone wall hanging.
“All of us.” I said, holding the bags of the team’s gifts for Boychuk. Just then, the door opened to reveal Boychuk’s face.
“Holy-”
“HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAY!” The entire Bruins roster yelled, tackling themselves through the front door and not only attacking poor Johnny with hats and necklaces that stated Over The Hill, put raping the living room with streamers, silly string, and began to already pull out the alcohol. Boychuk finally emerged from within the pile of Wheeler, Paille, Seidenberg, Ryder, Stuart, and Savard wearing a tombstone hat and had a necklace bearing OLD MAN on it along with a shirt that said ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE, and he was laughing his ass off.
“Thank god my parents aren’t coming till tomorrow night’s game! I don’t know how they would handle this!”
“CHUKY!! MY BRO!” Marchand cried, running after him and smashing a plate of whip cream in his face. Spitting Cool-Whip all over the floor, he pointed at Marchand.
“You’re now pushing your stay!”
“ENFORCER ATTACK!” Boychuk was then tackled onto his floor by Lucic and Thorton and McQuaid at the command of McQuaid.
“TWENTY-SEVEN PUNCHES!” Lucic called.
“OW, OW, OW!” Twenty-seven ows later, Boychuk laid defeated on his floor covered in whip cream, Over The Hill shit, and now freshly bruised. “Oowww…” The house was soon a mess, a piñata now hanging from the ceiling in the shape of the Canadien’s logo and everyone was beating it with a hockey stick and cups of alcohol everywhere.
“Happy Birthday Johnny!” I cried, pulling the groaning Canadian off the floor. “You’ve got gifts to open!”
“I don’t think I want to see what is!” He whined, walking to the kitchen to wash his face.
“BULLSHIT! GRAB A DRINK AND SIT DOWN!” I cried after him. After he cleaned up and restored his Over The Hill hat to his head, Boychuk crashed on his couch in the midst of the chaos.
“Ok, shouldn’t have expected less from you guys!” Boychuk said as I shoved my poorly wrapped box into his hands.
“You better not have, pay back for all the shit you do at people’s birthdays!” Boychuk ripped open my present and burst into a huge smile, teeth shining and eyes sparkling.
“OH MY GOD! A TOY HELICOPTER THAT HOVERS!? You are the fucking best! GIVE ME A HUG!” He then stopped and looked at Tuukka was taking a swing at the Canadien piñata. “TUUUUUK!” He cried. Rask stopped his swing and looked at him.
“What!?”
“Can I tackle your girlfriend!?”
“As long as you don’t kiss her I’m fine!”
“NO TUUK! HE’S GOING TO-” I then got slammed into the opposite chair in a gut wrenching hug. “AAAACK!” I choked.
“HEY BOYCHUK!” Bergeron yelled.
“What!?” Boychuk yelled, letting me go. Bergeron then began to dive bomb Boychuk with his helicopter. “Oh my god! You have one too!”
“DON’T FORGET MEEE!” Marchand’s helicopter came buzzing in and attacking Bergeron’s. Boychuk ripped open his helicopter and went on a frenzy to get AA batteries while I got mine all prepared and right now there was a war going on with Bergy, Marchy, Lucic, Krejci and Tyler. I soon joined the frenzy and Boychuk joined in while in the background the piñata finally broke.
Thus, Johnny Boychuk turned twenty-seven.