Cave

Brendon looks at the thin body in his bed. Chestnut brown hair is scattered messily across a pale face, and his dull pink lips are lightly chapped from the rough night before. He surveys his body. The plains of crème skin, and the small indents of ribs. He’s much, much skinnier. A sheet is pulled to his hips and the boy is contently sleeping, not a worry in the world after a night of wondrous sex.

Brendon wishes he could say the same. His worries pile up to a greater sum each day. He finds himself in a pit of self-hate, and despair. He feels horrible everyday. And everyday that this beautiful creature beside him is at his best, Brendon is at his worst.

It may be easier just to say that Brendon didn’t deserve him, but it was so much more. He had concluded that he didn’t deserve anyone. The beautiful boy beside him was innocent, fair, and young, and Brendon only kept him around for selfish reasons. He was a monster.

He worshiped the very ground Brendon walked on, and Brendon could only shrug it off. He could only offer him sex to ease his worries. He could say I love you in the heat of the moment, because the boy made it so easy to with such a startling resemblance to the object of his affections.

Brendon kept the boy beside him because he was a dead ringer of Ryan Ross. He kept him around, because unlike Ryan, he wouldn’t leave. He’d stay, and he wouldn’t hurt Brendon. So Brendon makes it work, because it’s safe, and falsely beautiful. He will do everything to make Brendon happy, unlike Ryan.

Despite telling himself he was content, that he was in love, that this was okay-- it wasn’t. Brendon thought about Ryan everyday. And hell, he knows how wrong it is, because it’s over. But it feels so God damn right. So he lets himself spiral further into a black hole and lacking self-worth, because when he daydreams, Ryan is there. And if Ryan is there, it doesn’t matter how much he hates himself.

But the Brendon that doesn’t daydream is trying to convince himself that he’s better off. Tells himself he’s undecided, and masochistically loves inequality in a relationship-- that’s what Ryan had offered him. But that type of love is for crazy people, and Brendon Urie is not crazy. He’s just a selfish bastard.

Brendon reminds himself everyday, that the perfect guy beside him loves him. But it’s never enough. He can only lock himself in the bathroom and cry. Because he's lost everything.

People say, at least you got to keep the name. But the band isn’t even worth the name without Ryan. Not to Brendon. He goes on stage without Ryan almost every other night. But every night he finds himself crying. A piece of him is gone, and that scares him so fucking much.

He and Ryan had been so different, different tastes, different styles, and they had been the reason for the split. Their fighting, their inability to keep their relationship stable. Their love was too strong, nobody quite sure who cared the least.

But the end Ryan proved to be the one could let go easiest. He pranced off to his new band, his new life, without a second glance at what he had left behind.

Brendon didn’t think it was a fair trade. He keeping the name, and Spence, while Ryan took his other friend and his heart. Not fucking fair at all.

This is where is left him, devastated, and heartless.