I Felt Free

It has always been like this. It has become a norm for us day after day. The fighting, the arguments, the yelling. It has been a routine for the past 2 years yet somehow neither one of us wanted to make the first move to end them. Maybe our egos were too big for that. Maybe we’re waiting for the day where we will go back to when we first started dating. And then maybe we’ll be okay, like all normal couple should be.

Our egos were too big. Whenever we get into any arguments, neither one of us wanted to back down. I was stubborn, she was stubborn. We’d give each other the silent treatment, and the cold stares. We go to bed, seemingly to end the night and then the next day we wake up as if nothing happened. But the cycle continues, even over the smallest things in life.

We’ve never gone as far as being apart for more than 2 months. We’d contact each other and reconcile, hoping that we could start afresh. We thought we can take the fight out of our relationship but time and time again, the fight finds its way in.

The kisses, the sex, the post-coital cuddle had lost its bliss and I wonder why are we still together?

So now here we are, in our apartment where we should’ve built our lives together. We had plans to get married, have children and grow old together. The process of breaking up had never been easy but after going through it so many times, with the same person, somehow you become numb to it.

“I think we should just end things between us,” I said and I looked at her face for any reactions. As I’ve expected, she was calm and I can sense that she, too, had seen this coming. “And I mean it for real. I can’t do this anymore, the fights and the anger we pour out to each other.”

She nodded and sighed. “I can’t do this anymore too,” she said. “Every night before I go to bed I’d wish tomorrow will be better for us, but yesterday will always repeat itself. I feel like we’re playing a never ending game.”

“I can’t take it raising my voice to you when you’re such an amazing person. You deserve a better relationship than this. Our relationship was over the second we started fighting as though it was a daily routine. I thought I can mend it, but the only way I can do it is by escaping, by ending things between us,” I said. I took her hand and my thumb caressed the back of her hand. She flashed a weak smile. “I’ve always loved you, even though my actions didn’t seem like it.”

She chuckled. Then we looked in each other’s eyes for a few moments, just taking in each other’s faces. “I’ll miss you. I won’t miss the fights, though,” she smiled as I chuckled.

I stood up and grabbed my already packed bags and walked out of the door with her walking behind me. Once I reached my car, I gave her a hug and I let my hand wandered her back for the last time. Her body was warm against mine and I knew at that moment that this was the right thing to do. I can’t go around hurting her. We can’t go around hurting each other anymore.

“This is for the best,” I assured her but I know I was reassuring myself. “We’ll learn to do it all again, to love again and to be happy again, but not with each other.”

She nodded and I saw a tear rolled down her cheek. This may be our umpteenth time breaking up but this was the first time she cried of a break up. We both knew this was it. No more fights, no more pointless arguments, no more anger. No more us.

I put my bags into my car and got into the driver’s seat. As I drove away I saw her waving slightly. I could feel the tears in my eyes. I sighed in relief. I’m free. Free from a broken relationship, free from pointless arguments, free from anger ridden fights. I have no words to describe what I felt.

I felt free.