This Moment was Held for Me

I had walked out on Frank and not given him an answer. As soon as I got home, I had collapsed into my bed with a sob. It was unusual for me to do so. Normally, I’d just sit there in silence and think over all that had been said and done. But this time I was scared and upset. What did this fight mean for Frank and I? Was he right? Had I neglected his feelings? Why didn’t I just confront my Mom? These thoughts kept me up half the night. One half of me wanted to walk back over to his house immediately and sort it out, but the other half – the stubborn side of me – wanted to wait for him to apologize to me. But then I realized, what did Frank need to apologize for? For bringing up the same conversation over and over? As annoying as that may be for me, it was because it was an important conversation for Frank. I hadn’t respected that. I had just constantly cut the conversation short. Sleep wouldn’t come until I figured it all out. I sighed with frustration; what if I had just fucked up the first relationship that I was ever serious about? I didn’t even let it become officially serious! I really was treating Frank like some fuck buddy. It made me feel sick because I knew I wanted more than that; I really liked Frank. So why was I being such a coward? I never handled my emotions properly, I realized with a sigh. Another tear slipped out with this realization before I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up in the afternoon. Mom had left me a note explaining that she was at the grocery store. I checked my phone. There were 2 unread messages. My heart skipped a beat in the hope that it was Frank. They were both from Amanda asking where I was; the second was asking whether I was available to talk to. I dialed her number immediately. I needed to talk to her about my horrible night.
“Amanda?” I said into the phone.
“Hey! I’ve been trying to contact you all morning! I left a message with your Mom.”
I ignored her and spoke into the phone glumly, “I had the worst night.”
“What?” she said confused, “Last night?”
“Yes,” I said trying to hold back my tears as memories flooded back, “I had this huge fight with Frank. Worse than any other fight we’ve had,” I explained, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Amanda.”
She breathed out, “What about?”
“About that whole stupid fucking boyfriend girlfriend issue!” I said frowning, “I’ve been stupidly ignoring him whenever he’s asked me about it. It’s really important to him but I just blew him off.”
He sighed sympathetically, “You guys will sort it out. Just ring him and tell him you’re sorry.”
“I’m so worried,” I said, “I don’t think that will cut it. I said something pretty mean to him and I didn’t even bother to take it back or reassure him that I liked him.”
“Geeze,” Amanda said, “Why would you do that?”
“I don’t know!” I said, “I’ve been an idiot. I’ve never had a relationship before so I don’t know how to handle everything. Initially, I thought that avoiding the topic with Mom would be easiest but then it spiraled out into this big unspoken thing between Frank and I and whenever he brought it up I’d get mad,” I explained quickly, “But secretly he was really upset about it still. I’ve just dealt with it terribly. I should have just confronted Mom.”
“I bet she wouldn’t even care that much Mia,” Amanda chided me, “If you just explained how you truly felt.”
Tears spilled out, “You think so?”
“Yes!” she urged.
“I don’t know…” I trailed off.
“Just talk to her. What’s the worse she could do?”
“I don’t know…” I repeated.
Amanda sighed with frustration, “It’s up to you. Just don’t be so stubborn.”
“Don’t fight with me!” I said defensively.
“I’m not!” she retorted.
I suddenly panicked; I felt like I was fighting with everyone important to me. I wanted to end the call before our tense conversation became a fight.
“Look, I gotta go,” I said quickly, “I need to sort this out.”
She sighed, “Oh, okay.”
I swallowed, “Can you come around soon? Maybe tonight?”
“Okay?” she said with uncertainty.
“I really need your support,” I said.
“Alright,” she agreed, “See you later.”