Something I Could Never Have
Blue Coffin Nails Chpt. 1
I don’t know why, but I think I’m falling under a spell. I can’t be doing this, or thinking like this, but I can’t help it. I am so tired of waiting for light, and solace, and if I wait long enough, I won’t have to be tired anymore. But I just don’t know how long it will last or what the consequences will be…And I don’t know how long I have to wait for it. But just one person, who looked at me for a while, who hugged me all the time, who laughed nervously and not at me for once. I dare not speak his name….Wow, this is too much. And I can’t think about it without smiling. It’s wrong to feel this way, but I can’t help that growing space inside that shelters all of my secret desires. It came unknowingly. It snuck up on me. He snuck up on me and took the key and unlocked the chamber of suppressed desires. But if this one chance never works out, where will I go? It won’t be hard for him to leave. It’ll be harder for me to embrace him in a comfortable way. He wants me to, but he’s used to the most loose of women. What am I? A secluded, private little girl. I’m not worthy of much, but as long as he can make me feel like I am, at least for a little while, then it just might be worth the fight…….please let it be worth the fight!
. . .
When I finished my entry I shut the computer off and slumped onto my bed. The sky was a dull blue that shone through the curtains and dyed the spacious room with a small spectrum of that most human color. The moon surfaced and vanished behind passing clouds every now and then, and the stars refused to show their faces, hiding behind a dusty wind. My jet black hair waved softly in tune with it. I didn’t know what to expect from him. He’s coming soon. He said he had a surprise for me. What could he have gotten me? We don’t even know each other that well. I guess I shouldn’t complain. No one’s ever cared enough to give me something nice before. I didn’t know why, but I knew I could depend on him. Well, hopefully that’s a true promise and not just a lustful feeling. For the both of us.
I got up and walked to my broken closet doors and pulled them open. My outfit was hanging right there on the door. Mini skirt? Well, maybe not. I smiled. I pulled on my red and black strapless shirt on and threw the chained mini skirt in the growing pile of clothes in the back of the bathroom door. Having no parents around gives you liberties like that. On second thought, maybe that chained skirt wouldn’t be too flirty… I couldn’t hide my giddiness. I smiled and thought of what he would do when he got here. I pictured the scents of jasmine and sea, with the faint glow of his eyes shining in the darkness. He would lay me down, letting his cool breath surround my neck, while the moon shown directly on us, making our bodies shine and sparkle. Together. Funny, I only knew him for about a month, and his heart was already taking control of mine… I was his prisoner, without a need to change. No regret, no second thoughts. It was dangerous to think so highly of what we could lose so easily. But never mind all of the questions. For once I’ll just let things flow. For once I won’t try to take complete control of something that was handed to me as a gift. Like him. I looked at the clock again. Midnight. Damn. I put on my fishnet leggings on and grabbed my strappy heels, while trying (and failing) to put on my deep crimson lipstick. I spread my shimmery midnight blue eye shadow on, put on my black arm warmers and the ruby ring I got for my birthday (props to dad…wow). Lastly, I combed my hair and sprayed Love Spell over my neck. And just as a little treat, he’ll find out I got my belly button pierced a few weeks ago, if the night goes right. Turquoise. My birthstone. He’ll love it. The wind began to howl, and I knew he was here. I took one last look in the mirror and smiled. This was going to be the first time a saw him in weeks. We were definitely going to make good use of the night.
. . .
When I finished my entry I shut the computer off and slumped onto my bed. The sky was a dull blue that shone through the curtains and dyed the spacious room with a small spectrum of that most human color. The moon surfaced and vanished behind passing clouds every now and then, and the stars refused to show their faces, hiding behind a dusty wind. My jet black hair waved softly in tune with it. I didn’t know what to expect from him. He’s coming soon. He said he had a surprise for me. What could he have gotten me? We don’t even know each other that well. I guess I shouldn’t complain. No one’s ever cared enough to give me something nice before. I didn’t know why, but I knew I could depend on him. Well, hopefully that’s a true promise and not just a lustful feeling. For the both of us.
I got up and walked to my broken closet doors and pulled them open. My outfit was hanging right there on the door. Mini skirt? Well, maybe not. I smiled. I pulled on my red and black strapless shirt on and threw the chained mini skirt in the growing pile of clothes in the back of the bathroom door. Having no parents around gives you liberties like that. On second thought, maybe that chained skirt wouldn’t be too flirty… I couldn’t hide my giddiness. I smiled and thought of what he would do when he got here. I pictured the scents of jasmine and sea, with the faint glow of his eyes shining in the darkness. He would lay me down, letting his cool breath surround my neck, while the moon shown directly on us, making our bodies shine and sparkle. Together. Funny, I only knew him for about a month, and his heart was already taking control of mine… I was his prisoner, without a need to change. No regret, no second thoughts. It was dangerous to think so highly of what we could lose so easily. But never mind all of the questions. For once I’ll just let things flow. For once I won’t try to take complete control of something that was handed to me as a gift. Like him. I looked at the clock again. Midnight. Damn. I put on my fishnet leggings on and grabbed my strappy heels, while trying (and failing) to put on my deep crimson lipstick. I spread my shimmery midnight blue eye shadow on, put on my black arm warmers and the ruby ring I got for my birthday (props to dad…wow). Lastly, I combed my hair and sprayed Love Spell over my neck. And just as a little treat, he’ll find out I got my belly button pierced a few weeks ago, if the night goes right. Turquoise. My birthstone. He’ll love it. The wind began to howl, and I knew he was here. I took one last look in the mirror and smiled. This was going to be the first time a saw him in weeks. We were definitely going to make good use of the night.