How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

“Fischer! Get up!” a voice hissed.

“Mmm? Adams? What is it?” I blinked blearily and cracked open my eyes. Tyler’s black haired head swam into view, ringed by a halo of bright sunlight from a nearby window. “Why the hell are you waking me up this early in the morning?”

He flicked my forehead, making me jump and jerk my head up from what I soon realized was my desk. A couple of people sniggered. “You fell asleep in Spanish again, estúpido. I figured I might as well wake you up, since Perez left to go get the exam papers.”

I stared at him in horror. “What? We have-”

“No.” Tyler rolled his eyes. “We took it on Friday, remember?”

“Oh.” I dropped my head into my hands, groaning. My palms were cold, and they felt amazing against my aching skull. I was exhausted.

Last night, I had stayed up until four in the morning trying to write a paper for Chemistry. It was a nightmare. Next time, I’ll start my homework when I get home.

Well, I probably won’t. But it’s nice to hope, right?

Mr. Perez bounced into the room, rattling off something in rapid Spanish before pulling out a stack of papers and calling up students to receive their grades.

“He said the average was an 84,” Tyler supplied helpfully.

“Where does that leave me, then?” I wondered glumly. “C? C minus? Another D?”

“Tyler!” Mr. Perez called, looking up from his stack of test papers. “And Nicholas, you too. I see you’ve decided to join us?”

I pasted a smile on my face as he handed me my exam. “Claro que sí.”

Mr. Perez looked at me with raised eyebrows. “You can smile now, but let’s see how you look when you see that grade…”

The class laughed. As I made my way back to my seat, I covered the top left corner of my test. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what I got this time.

“How’d you do?” I asked Tyler, slightly irritably. His hazel eyes were fixed intently on his exam, narrowing a little whenever they happened to spot a red mark.

“Uh…a B minus. Better than I thought,” he said modestly, slipping his test paper into a folder with frightening speed.

“Let me guess. Was it actually a B?”

He shook his head.

“B plus?”

“I…”

“At least one of us managed to do well.”

“You don’t know that,” Tyler said bracingly.

I gave him an appraising look and slid the test across the desk. “How about if you tell me how I did?”

He glanced back at me before looking down at the paper and exhaling sharply. “Fischer…”

“Do I want to know?”

“It says ‘meet with me’ on it.”

“You know it always says that.”

“D. If it’s a comfort, this one was a 66 instead of a 63…”

He handed me my paper, and I shoved it irritably into my bag, squishing it into the bottom among all my other bad test grades. I tended to worry about them less when they were but pieces of crumpled paper, floating among the other junk in my bag, just as significant as the empty chip bags and broken pencils.

The bell rang a few minutes later, saving me from being sneered at again by Conan Green: he sits on my other side, and gets straight As in Spanish. He likes to shove them in my face.

º º º

“Thank god for free periods.” Tyler grinned at me as we made our way down the hall, weaving around the 12th graders while letting the 9th and 10th graders part to let us pass. “I could use the break.”

“Me too,” I sighed. It was only third period and the day was already crummy.

“Plus, I gotta talk to you about something.”

“Is it her again?”

Her is Tyler’s ex girlfriend, Sophie Pearson. She was perfectly nice until he tried to break up with her. Now she won’t leave him alone. She keeps convincing herself they’re still dating, and when he tells her otherwise…

“Sssh! In private.” Tyler looked around furtively, as though scanning for eavesdroppers. “She always finds out somehow.”

“Let’s go behind the building, then,” I suggested.

Tyler shook his head. “We can’t be overheard! You don’t know how important this is.” He thought for a second. “How about the abandoned closet?”

The abandoned closet was exactly what it sounded like: an old janitor’s closet no one used anymore. It was on the second floor, hidden in a niche in the corridor that led to the teacher’s lounge and cafeteria. Not many students knew about it – no one really went down the teacher corridor, as getting caught there would mean detention. It was the best place to have secret conversations. But usually, Tyler and I just went behind the school or something. This must be…important.

“What is it, Adams?” I asked quickly, as soon as Tyler had shut the rusting metal door, plunging us into near darkness.

His face looked pale – or maybe it was just the lack of light. “Sophie’s getting worse. Yesterday, I tried talking to her again. But she just won’t listen. This time, she stole my wallet. And slapped me. I really do need it back. Last night, I had to walk home, because I had no money for the bus! In the rain!” His voice rose a little.

I swore sympathetically. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have given you some cash.”

“She was there when we were leaving. And I’m not letting her know she’s getting to me,” he said stubbornly. “But I’ve got a plan.”

“A plan?”

“I need your help, though.” For some reason, his jaw was tight and he fidgeted nervously.

“Sure,” I said automatically. “Anything.”

“Um…”

“Go on, spit it out.”

“Will you go out with me?” His tone was serious.

I looked at him funny. “Come again?”

“Will you…” he said slowly, enunciating every syllable, “…go out with me?”

I started laughing uproariously. I couldn’t help myself.

“Shut up! If the teachers hear us…”

“S-sorry,” I spluttered, chuckling quietly, “but you were joking, right?”

“No, I wasn’t. If I’m gay, that’s a cast iron excuse not to date Sophie. She’ll have to leave me alone.” He grinned broadly at the thought. “She’s been acting like a real bitch lately, maybe she’ll go back to normal. And even if I don’t want to date her, I do care about Sophie. If she can get over me, it’ll be good for both of us. But I don’t think being gay will work as an excuse if I don’t have proof.”

“So you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Yep!”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh. Please? I really need your help, I don’t think I can deal with her anymore…I’ve tried everything else…”

“But then, aren’t I gay too? I’ll never be able to date another girl!” I protested.

“Only until we leave this place for college. And I know you think all the girls here are annoying little airheads. Well, except for Lena. But she’s dating-”

“Green, I know,” I groaned. He gets the grades and the girls. Talk about unfair…

“So will you do it?”

I fixed him with a stare. “Adams, you’re my best friend. Like a brother. But there’s a limit on what I’d do for you…”

Hurt crossed his face. “You’d jump off a bridge for me, and I’d do the same for you. It’s what brothers do. So why can’t you go out with me?"

“Well…” Now it was me doing the nervous fidgeting. “It’s just…wouldn’t it be…awkward?”

Tyler laughed. “Oh, it won’t. We don’t have to kiss or anything. Just hold hands and act flirty and convince everyone we’re dating. I don’t think it’ll be that hard.”

I shrugged. “Okay. I’ll do it.” There really was no reason not to…I couldn’t imagine all our friends would ditch us for this. Well, maybe some of them – but our good friends shouldn’t care. I bet you it’d even make sense to them. Tyler and I do spend every second together. And since he’s my best friend, it shouldn’t be too awkward…

Tyler checked his watch. “Fifteen ‘til lunch. We’ll tell everybody then?”

I nodded, grinning a little. You know, this actually sounded like fun…like a practical joke, only bigger and more entertaining – we’d all have a good laugh after they found us out, as was inevitable. There probably wasn’t a point to pretending to be gay anyway once Sophie realized there was more to her life than Tyler.

I followed him out the door, wondering if something as crazy as this could ever work.