How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

“You know, if we had Soph, she would make the perfect Rosaline,” I mused to Tyler as we set off across campus, back towards the main academic building. “Then Sam and Vickie could have been Emmett and Alice, you could have been Jasper and Lena could be Bella. Someday, we have to do that.”

“What, a parody of Twilight?” Tyler looked at me curiously. He was now wearing a long brown wig, and a simple sweatshirt over jeans.

Sam grinned widely at us. This combined with the eyepatch and fake blood created a frightening effect. “Sounds fun. But if we don’t have Soph, Lena can be Rosalie.”

“Asian Rosalie?” Lena raised her eyebrows.

Sam nodded. “Why not? I like Tyler as Bella, anyway.”

“What about Jasper, then?”

“No one cares about Jasper,” I scoffed. “All he does is stand in the background and stare the whole time.”

Sam shook his head in disgust. “You watched Twilight? You’re more gay than I thought…”

I shrugged innocently. “Tyler and I flipped to it one night. It was either that or Elmo’s World.”

“It actually wasn’t as terrible as everyone made it out to be. Bella was pretty good,” Tyler admitted, playing with a strand of his brown wig.

“Only Edward was like a rock,” I added. “He was much better as Cedric.”

I must say, I slightly enjoyed the stares Tyler and I received as we stepped into the main building hand in hand. Looking down at myself, I watched my bare arms sparkle in the fluorescent lighting.

You have no idea how excited I was to brood all though Chemistry.

I dropped Tyler’s hand and made my way over to a group of freshmen girls. They looked the Twilight type. I wasn’t sure what that was, but most girls were the Twilight type, you could kind of just assume.

Quite a few of them blushed furiously when I made one of those don’t-mind-me-I’m-just-being-casually-sexy faces that Edward always had on in the movie. The blonde girl in the center twirled a lock of carefully straightened hair between her fingers. “I know what you are.”

Without missing a beat, I responded, “Say it. Out load.”

“Vampire!” a short brunette girl squealed excitedly.

I regarded the two of them with a serious, sexy look. “Are you afraid?”

I hope they couldn’t tell I was about to explode with laughter.

“…No,” the blonde breathed. She was looking at me as though I were some sort of god come to Earth.

“He’s the one who should be afraid!” a voice shrieked, and something hit me hard in the side of the head.

A notebook. I stared around curiously, looking for the source of this.

Another freshman girl was standing before me and glaring me right in the face. “Get away from Bella! You don’t deserve her, you stupid bloodsucker!”

“Don’t touch Edward!” The short brunette girl slapped her viciously, and the other girl recoiled with a gasp of rage.

“Why would I want to touch a bloodsucker?”

The blonde freshman dove into the fray. “He’s not just a vampire, he’s a god!”

I’m perceived as gay and I’m dressed as Edward. I hope I’m sending some sort of message here…well, I guess it wasn’t like they were paying any attention to who I really was. They were too busy pretending I was a fictional vampire.

“Oh god. Can we please get out of here?” Tyler tugged at my arm, pulling me away from the freshman girls.

“Aww, but I’m having so much fun!” I protested.

“Edward,” he growled. “Stop seducing the freshmen. You said you were irrevocably in love with me!”

I chuckled. “No, I think that one was your line.”

“Oh yeah. Wait. Let’s try this again.”

As the chaos of a full on Team Edward versus Team Jacob war pressed in around us, I put on my best dreamy, sexy smile. “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…”

“What a stupid lamb.” Tyler’s hazel eyes flicked up to mine. They stared into mine with a soft fervor, as though he was falling in love for the first time.

“What a sick, masochistic lion,” I sighed, meeting his gaze and hoping I was replicating his look. It was probably just a blank stare, though. I can do sexy, but not sappily in love.

One day, I’ll ask him to teach me how to act like that. It would come in useful for persuading teachers that I really did do my homework, only I’d forgotten it on my desk again. And also that I had no hand whatsoever in Green’s newest black eye or the trashing of Mr. Connoly’s favorite art studio.

Suddenly, I realized that the freshman girls had stopped fighting and were staring at us with dreamy looks in their eyes.

“You belong together!” cheered the blonde girl.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” The brunette began to jump up and down in excitement. A few of the others took up the chant too, until Team Jacob’s protests were noticed and the fight started up again..

“Yeah, let’s go.” I grabbed Tyler’s hand. We walked away down the hall entirely unnoticed in the midst of the chaos. Lena and Sam, who had been watching this and laughing their heads off, followed suit. Vickie seemed to have disappeared again.

We found her already in English, chatting animatedly to Ms. Fallon about Act Two Scene Two of Romeo and Juliet, that stupid balcony scene Tyler and I were forced to perform.

After Ms. Fallon had complemented the five of us on our costumes, she called for the scene to resume, since we hadn’t finished it on Friday. She had been too busy explaining significances and crap like that to give us much time to act.

But this time, it wasn’t awkward at all. The class still got a kick out of it though, especially because of the Edward-Bella Romeo-Juliet parallel. When I said, “O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?” the class positively cheered.

“What satisfaction cans’t thou have tonight?”

I smiled, getting down on bended knee. “The exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.”

“Bite her!” someone squealed.

“Excuse me!” Ms. Fallon's crinkled face looked affronted. “Why would Romeo ever wish to hurt Juliet?”

“Not hurting her,” the girl said, rolling her eyes. “Then they can both be vampires, and be together forever!”

Ms. Fallon was mystified by this. “Vampires?”

“Edward’s a vampire! Bella’s a human! So he should bite her!” another girl piped up.

“It’s Twilight, Ms. Fallon,” I explained, taking pity on her.

“I don’t have time for frivolous nonsense like that.” She waved a hand at us. “Keep going, you two are doing a great job.”