How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

As it transpired, Sam didn’t have to tie me to a chair. I stayed for the bet, because hey – who doesn’t want fifty bucks? And plus, it would give me bragging rights.

I heard a laugh from down the hallway and the click of a door closing. His laugh, his footsteps thumping lightly against the creaking wooden floor. I kept my eyes fixed firmly forward, taking a deep breath. I couldn’t see him yet. The couch I was slouched across faced the far wall of the living room, and the hallway joined to the room on the opposite wall.

For the money, Nick, for the money…

“What is HE doing here?” Tyler demanded rudely. I was pretty sure he was making that face, the one where he screwed up his nose as though he’d just smelled something repulsive and deemed it unworthy to meet with his eyes. His face would be turned away, he’d be glaring at Lena and waiting for her to justify what she’d done.

Lena didn’t answer immediately. “I…just thought you two should work things out.”

“Work things out?” I muttered incredulously.

“Yeah right,” said Tyler simultaneously, snorting. “Because that’ll help.”

“I think it will,” encouraged Lena. There was a funny hint of a smile behind her voice.

I got slowly to my feet and turned around, finally looking Tyler in the eyes. “I don’t want to talk to HIM.”

“And I don’t want to talk to YOU either!” He glared at me furiously. For a moment, I was afraid he’d fly at me again. Instinctively, one of my hands jerked up to protect my face, then fell again as soon as I realized he wasn’t moving.

“Now, now,” insisted Lena. A grin spread across her face. “You’ll talk, and that’s that. Sam and I are going to go upstairs…”

“…but we might be watching from the stairway,” Sam muttered.

“Oh, shut it.” Lena grabbed Sam’s arm and hauled him towards the stairway. He looked reluctant, but followed her upstairs. I waited a few seconds, then paced over to the stairs to check. They were gone.

I turned towards Tyler and folded my arms, leaning against the sofa back and waiting for him to speak first. He was glaring fixedly at the ground, and I wondered briefly if he was trying to memorize the colors.

“You’re an idiot,” he said finally. His tone was completely flat and emotionless.

I made no attempt to deny this. “I am.” If I was smarter, I would have realized I never had a chance with him. I could have prevented all of this, just by being a normal straight guy and not pushing things.

Tyler’s eyebrows furrowed as his eyes flicked from color to color. “You’re also kind of a jerk.”

I was left to contemplate the top of his head as I wondered if this was true. “Well, I did throw Nerd Boy into the lockers…”

“Christopher.”

“Nerd Boy.”

“HIS NAME IS CHRISTOPHER!” Tyler’s head snapped up, and he seemed to be either on the verge of tears or exploding with pure rage. His eyes were burning, but for some reason they were shining with a glassy sheen of tears. It was a terrifying effect. “YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING RIGHT, DO YOU, FUCKTARD?”

“Well, excuse me if I got your boyfriend’s name wrong,” I snapped back, unable to resist narrowing my eyes in return and raising my voice a little. HE was the one who was getting it all wrong! He had no idea how I felt…

“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!”

I took a step closer, shoving my face up right into his. “THEN WHY DID YOU KISS HIM?”

Tyler was silent for a moment, a moment in which we glared furiously at each other. We were close, but it wasn’t a kissing distance kind of close. It was that I’m-so-mad-I’m-going-to-yell-in-your-face kind of close. Believe me, I wished it were the former.

Then his hand cracked across my cheek, hard. I gasped at the sudden pain. Oh, come on. Why not the side without the bruise?

“What was that for?” I complained, forgetting to yell.

Tyler took a step back, and I was glad. Our proximity had begun to get a little awkward. His eyes flicked up to mine, his mouth opened, but…he didn’t speak. It was as though he was lost for words.

“What?” I was suddenly struck by the fact that he was wearing ANOTHER one of my shirts. Honestly, didn’t he have his own closet? It was already indecent enough that he’d locked me out of my own house, did he have to take my stuff too?

“You don’t know why I kissed him?”

“Do I look like I know?” I demanded, flaring up again.

“You know why I kissed him!”

“Because he’s your boyfriend?”

Tyler gave me a pained look, and he opened his mouth again. Then he made a choking noise and closed it again.

I clenched my jaw angrily as my heart plummeted and a sick feeling swam into my stomach. “So he is your boyfriend,” I said pathetically, voice barely a whisper. I wanted to shout it in his face so it would look like I didn’t care…but I just didn’t have the willpower.

“No, he’s not!” he said in exasperation, rolling his head back and closing his eyes as though praying for patience.

“Whatever. But you like him.”

Tyler clenched his fists. “No!”

“Then why did you kiss him?” I asked weakly. I was getting tired of this, I really was. This was just depressing me. It wasn’t helping at all.

Well, on the bright side…I’d get my fifty bucks, right?

“Because I…” Tyler bit his lip and flicked his eyes back to the carpet, his voice trailing away slightly. “I…uh…”

“What?”

“I…wanted to make someone jealous.” His tone had gone flat again. He looked as though he wanted to die, wanted the carpet to open up and swallow him whole.

I was nonplussed. “Who?”

He glared at the carpet. “You know who.”

It couldn’t have been me, could it? As much as I wished it were, that would have been impossible. He had no idea I was there.

So then who was?

Oh my fucking god. I knew who it was.

“You like Sam, don’t you?” I echoed his emotionless tone. “I always see you looking at him.”

Tyler’s head rolled back up. The desolate look was still in his eyes, but he still managed to glare through it. “Fuck you.”