How to Get Rid of Your Ex Girlfriend

It felt like I’d waited FOREVER to kiss him again, even though it had really only been, what? A couple of days since we’d last done it? All the messed up emotions I’d been feeling lately seemed to have dragged out time, as though the events had occurred over days instead of hours. It’s funny how you can fall into life’s rhythm and just float along, and then BAM! You’re thrown off the tracks and you’re left to figure out which way is forward again.

I could feel Tyler’s lips curling into a smile as they moved against mine. His arms entwined around my neck, giving me the strange sensation that he was the only thing grounding me, as though if he let go I might float up into the sky and disappear.

“You know, it was me who sent the note,” I whispered, breaking away for a moment to lean my forehead against his. “Not…him.” Then I winced slightly. My bruised face was protesting to the contact, but this moment was too perfect and I didn’t want to ruin it by being a baby and moving away.

He gave a little laugh. “Really? I thought it was just one of those joke secret admirer notes. I only kissed Christopher because I noticed you following me and I wanted to make you jealous.”

“That you did,” I admitted.

The muscles in his face tightened slightly, and though I couldn’t see his mouth I knew he was grinning. “But then you went a little far and beat up the poor kid…”

“And you went a little far and beat up my face,” I retorted jokingly.

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, it was sexy to see you so violent.”

Tyler slapped me lightly on the cheek. “Fischer!”

“I was joking!” I put a hand up to my face, which was smarting far more than it should have been. “Can we kiss again now? I thought we said we’d talk later.”

In answer, his lips met mine, slowly and gently. We were pressed together now, and the places his skin touched mine were pleasantly hot, maybe simply because the night air was so much cooler in contrast. I ran a hand along the side of his face, marveling at how close we were. This was no drunk, greedy kiss…it was soft and intimate, the kind of kiss perfect couples in romance stories share. The kind of kiss that went on for what seemed like forever, and –

“TYLER ESTHER ADAMS!” a voice boomed abruptly. Normally, I would have started making fun of his middle name, but in this moment it was neither fitting, nor did it even cross my mind as I was jolted suddenly back to reality. We leaped away from each other as though we’d suddenly been electrocuted. I stared blankly towards the source of the yell, feeling as I though I’d been caught doing something terrible.

Tyler’s father was glaring at the porch, right at the place we had been seconds ago. I had the feeling he couldn’t see much – the night had thrown the porch into deep shadows. I could make out his figure in the faint moonlight, however. His face was screwed up in rage and he seemed to have dropped his suitcase in shock. Tyler’s mother was standing off to the side a little, looking abjectly horrified. “Tyler, honey-”

“No, Martha!” his father said angrily. “Tyler, you come out here this instant. I can’t believe you. I just CAN’T BELIEVE YOU. Have you lost all respect for us? We leave for two weeks and we come back to find you making out with some random girl? In the DARKNESS? You were left here because we thought you were responsible-”

“Girl?” Tyler said quietly, stepping down the porch steps and looking guiltily at his parents.

“Yes, a GIRL,” he responded shortly. “You were just kissing one.”

It was then that I realized he must not be able to see me. Maybe this was a good thing, maybe Tyler’s parents noticing I was a guy would only make things worse. Probably would. After my mom had refused to believe I wasn’t gay – which I guess she had been right about – Tyler and I had made her promise not to tell his parents until he was “ready”. This particular moment probably didn’t fall into that category.

Tyler shuffled his feet nervously, and I felt bad I wasn’t there trying to help him out. His parents were the conservative type – a.k.a. holy fucking terrors.

His father seemed to be shaking from suppressed rage. “We told you that you were to be at Nick’s house before dark every night.”

“I am,” Tyler squeaked.

“Don’t you talk back to me!”

“Bert…” his mother warned.

“What?” he roared, throwing his hands up in the air.

“He technically is home, and for all you know that could be a perfectly nice girl.” Then she raised her voice a little, pointing a finger accusingly in Tyler’s direction. “But if she isn’t, you’re finding yourself in deep trouble, young man.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “Tyler, introduce her to us.”

An awkward pause followed this.

“Come on,” his mother urged. “There’s no need for her to be scared, as long as she’s not a smoker or a goth or anything.”

Tyler threw a glance backward at me. “It’s okay, just come out. I’ll be in worse trouble if you don’t.”

My cheeks burned at this, and I shoved my cold arm against my face to cool them. Cool. Yes. Cool and confident. I pasted on a nervous smile and stepped into the moonlight.

“Oh hello, Nick dear,” said Tyler’s mother pleasantly. “And my…what happened to your face?”

“Where’s the girl?” his father butted in, still glaring at Tyler. “Where’s she hiding?”

“Actually, she’s right here.” I pointed at myself, a little surprised by the nonchalant tone I’d taken on. Not really by the tone itself, but the way I managed to actually pull it off. Acting casual was my way of downplaying serious things. Most of the time, however, it was not convincing.

“Very funny,” he spat.

“No, actually…” I regarded him carefully. His face must have been blotchier and redder than mine. I was slightly scared he might kill me after I said it, but I went on anyway. “It was me kissing your son.”

Tyler’s father said nothing. He stormed past us to the porch, looking around wildly as though he might spot a light switch. “I swear, if that little bitch is hiding in the shadows somewhere…”

Sometime during his frustrated flailing, he did actually manage to get the lights. The porch light sparked to life, a little dully, but quite enough to illuminate the near darkness and show him that there really was no one there.

Tyler’s mother put a hand to her mouth. “Tyler, honey…are you gay?”

He nodded at the ground. It was impossible to make out his expression in this kind of light, but I had the feeling he had that I-want-to-die look on his face again.

His father thumped down from the porch, the steps creaking weakly under his angry walk. “You’re not gay, are you?” he barked at Tyler.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” his mother said consolingly. “You can’t be mad at him for that.”

He huffed angrily. “Doesn’t change the fact that he was still making out with someone.”

“He’s sixteen!”

“Sixteen is young to be making out in the darkness, don’t you think?”

“Excuse me?” I said, feeling a weird inclination to raise my hand. “Please, it’s not Tyler’s fault. I kissed him first. We’d had a long day, and I felt like he needed some reassurance. I wanted him to know I cared.”

“You know, that would be a lot sweeter if you were a girl,” his father muttered reproachfully.

“Bert, there is nothing wrong with being gay,” Tyler’s mother reminded him. “It’s not like he chose. I’m sure if he could have chosen he would have chosen otherwise.”

“No I wouldn’t have,” Tyler said slowly. “Think about it this way. An IPhone has phone capabilities and useful apps.”

I grinned to myself. His parents were big technology people.

“Wouldn’t you rather have that than an IPod touch and a normal cell phone? That way life is so much easier and happier. That’s how it is with Nick. He’s my best friend AND my boyfriend – he’s like an IPhone.”

Though this analogy made no sense whatsoever to me, it seemed to calm his parents a little. And plus, hearing him call me his boyfriend made me smile. So that meant things really were fixed, weren’t they?

“Fine,” grumbled his father. “We were going to come take you home, but…well. We’re going. Bye.” He climbed back into the car, followed quickly by Tyler’s mother.

As soon as they were gone, Tyler turned to me dully. “They don’t want me around because I’m gay.”