That's What You Get.

“Where were you?”

“I told you, I went to the toilet”

“You girls spend hours in the toilet, I don’t understand what’s so interesting about toilets”

“Could we please stop talking about toilets?”

He laughed, but I didn’t. I was pretty much nervous. After that little argument, or whatever that was, I had with John, I felt weird, like bad and guilty. I meant those words, but probably I said them in a rude way.
Anyway, after that, John didn’t even say goodbye and went out walking fast, and I could tell, he was both furious and frustrated. What I said was rough, and maybe wasn’t needed: but I felt with my back against the wall, I felt like he wanted too much, like he wanted something I wasn’t sure I was ready to give him.
By the way he talked, he sounded like he wanted me to tell him I liked him and Zack was just a friend, that I always preferred him over anyone else, and that we had an exclusive sex relationship.
I couldn’t tell him that. I didn’t want to lie, but truth sometimes really hurts, and that what I saw in his eyes.
I didn’t understand why he was changing: we were clear since the beginning, and I though he was cool with it. It was sex, just pure sex. Then I was cool about the whole ‘friends who help each other when they’re drunk’ situation, but after that…I didn’t want to feel a ball chained to my feet.

“So, are we going to lunch or what?”

“Sure”

We went out the library and got straight to the cafeteria to get a couple of sandwiches to eat while seated on the grass. Kennedy saw me and gave me a weird look before walking away; I texted him immediately.

“Don’t say anything”

I knew he was going to tell me I was fucking everything up, I knew he was shipping John and I so bad like Becky did, but as everyone did, I didn’t. Not because of John, but because of me.
I was the problem in this; I was the one allergic to proper relationships. If John wanted me for something serious, he should have found another girl ready for it, ready to be in love with him.
I didn’t want to get with John just to make him happy, to make him think our weird relation-whatever-ship developed to something else, to make him think fairytales exists.
I wasn’t that kind of girl. As long as I appreciated his attentions, I was ready to give up to them.

I was thinking too much, too much to listen to what Zack was telling me.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“I’m sorry Zack, what did you just say?”

“Nothing, probably I’m annoying and you don’t care”

“It’s not like that, come on, don’t be mad at me”

“I can’t be mad at such a cute face, don’t worry”

I smiled and looked away. Compliments always made me blush.
And in that moment I saw him. I saw them.

She was dressed in a cute skirt and t-shirt, her hair were blonde and seemed so soft. He was touching them and he was probably telling her she was really beautiful that day.
I didn’t know how he managed to find someone so fast after I told him to do it, and actually I didn’t think he really took that literally. Well I know how he found her: John was a really good looking guy and just with a simple blink tons of girls would have been charmed. It was easy for him. He basically did the same with me.
The thing that left me speechless was the fact he really thought I send him into another girl’s arms.
I mean yes I did, but I didn’t mean the last part involving a girl. I meant everything I said before that.
Actually, I told him to leave me alone for a while because I wasn’t ready for his jealousy, so I said ‘go find someone else’ as ‘go away’ but I guess he didn’t get that. He really got ‘go find another girl to fuck with’.
I was processing all that when I saw another thing that really gave me a deathblow.

It took them a second before their lips were touching, before my stomach was trying not to get wrapped.

“Andy?”

Zack got that something was wrong with me, because I try not to show it but everyone always gets my emotions. I guess that I’m too clear for everyone but me.

“Is that everything ok?”

“Yes, I’m great… listen Zack, I totally forgot I have to meet Kennedy, I told him I was going to meet him but I totally lost the track of time. I’ll text you later, yeah?”

I got up the grass and waved him goodbye even before he could reply. Rude, I know, but I didn’t care at that moment. I felt too weird and I really wanted to talk to Kennedy. I ran to our next class and saw him texting and smiling: he probably was talking to his very not nice girlfriend.
I sat down next to him and when he put the phone back into his pocket he finally saw me.

“Oh, hello there, what brings you here? Right, we have classes together. I thought you forgot, as you looked so into your new a-Merrick-an boy”

I usually laughed at his sarcasm but that time I wasn’t really in the mood to smile.

“Ok, something’s clearly wrong with you if you don’t laugh”

“You know something don’t you?”

“About what exactly? About the fact John is making out with another girl who looks like a Barbie? Or about the fact you told him to basically go and fuck off because you are free to date whoever you want, and so should he? Or, wait, let me see…”

“Kenny, enough”

“I guess that you’re the one who is jealous now”

“What? Jealous! Me? No! I’m just angry because I didn’t tell him to go and fuck someone else, I mean I think I almost…basically…did, but it’s not like I did”

“How am I supposed to understand what’s going on with you two if you don’t make peace with your brain first, God”

“Oh I’m sorry if I interrupted your text session with your girlfriend!”

“Come on Andy you know I’m here for you; don’t get mad and all defensive! Calm down”

I puffed and then sighed. I didn’t know where to start. I knew John told him everything from his point of view, and that’s what I did too. After all the story, he shook his head and sighed.

“Andy, I know you will hate me for this, but as I always said, you and John will understand that you can’t just have sex and don’t start feeling anything else for each other. It’s pretty obvious it’s going to happen, although you wouldn’t have come here, and you wouldn’t have gotten mad at what you saw”

“I’m mad at the fact he misunderstood me. Probably he was waiting for me to tell him to go find someone else because he didn’t have the balls to tell me he got tired of me or something”

“Don’t blame him for something you did. And don’t even try to find an excuse. He obviously was jealous of Zack, and you hurt him when you made him understand it’s like you don’t care about him”

“Kennedy I don’t even know if I care about him, I can’t lie to him just to make him happy”

“Then you should have been clear in the first place”

“I was, and he was as well. We decided to be just sex mates or whatever you call it, and I’m still thinking about him in that way. Lately things have been changing and I don’t know if I’m ok with it”

“So you thought it was better to push him away by avoiding him and going out with Zack, than confront him face to face”

“I didn’t mean to push him away like this”

“Didn’t your mom tell you that is better to count to ten before talking?”

“I guess not” I sighed “I think I fucked up this time. I mean, I told Becky there was nothing to fuck up because between John and I there’s nothing… but at this point I’m not sure. And the best thing is that now he found another girl, and if I try to talk to him about it, he will tell me I was the one to suggest him to do it… that is completely true but still, it is not”

“Andy, I could tell you tons of reason why you should talk to John, but I can’t tell you what to do. All I can say, is that you have to listen to your heart and understand what you want”

I nodded and thanked him. He was the best. And I didn’t know how someone special like him was dating someone like Jules, but at that point I wanted to stop wondering about why someone rather chooses to be with someone over another. I should have get my mind straight and listen to my heart, as Kenny said.
But did I have a heart? Did I know how to listen to it? I never did it, and as soon as I felt it beating faster, I used to step back and shut him up. I didn’t know what my feelings were towards John, I didn’t know how to let my heart speak. I always listened to my head, because I thought that I would have never gotten hurt.
But then, I wasn’t sure anymore. That time, I was wrong, because anyway I felt hurt too.