That's What You Get.

I left John minding his own business and new girl for a couple of days, thinking and wondering 24 hours straight a day about what Kennedy told me in class, about what to do. I barely kept attention to my classes because my mind was everywhere else but there. All I could think about was the mess I made.
I had to decide if letting John go or try to get him back. When I told Becky she basically ate me alive, saying she knew I was going to do something stupid. All I could reply in my defense was “Well I’m a human being, I make mistake, you know”. Becky suggested me to go and talk to him, but I was sure I was going to make everything worse if I did it. Probably we would have fought and I would have said things I wasn’t sure of, like it happened in the library. A part of me wanted to work it out and go back to the way it was. The other part thought I didn’t need him, because someone like Zack for example wanted me too.
I wanted to make up my mind, so that late afternoon after classes I managed to go and run through the campus. I took my I-pod and with Foo Fighters in my ear I started running as fast as I could.

I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
Is someone getting the best of you?

I ran until I had no strengths anymore, and then I looked in front of me.
There I was, and there it was: the Theta Chi house. I didn’t know if it was destiny or if I really wanted to get there at the end, but anyway there I was. And it was for a reason.
Becky was right, and so was Kennedy. I had to talk to John, even if that would have ended that little something we had and I didn’t want to see, something I didn’t want to become more than it already was.

I sighed and entered the house without knocking. I wouldn’t say I was afraid of his reaction.
I would rather say I was afraid of a rejection.

I walked to his room, the room we spent a lot of time into. I looked on the brown door, reading the sign ‘Johno’s bedroom’ and knowing he was one step far from me. I knocked and hoped he was there.

“Hey there you are, I thought you couldn’t make it” I heard him say, knowing for sure he didn’t expect me and that what he said wasn’t for me.
He opened the bedroom door and looked at me in disbelief, trying not to show it though.

“Oh, it’s you”

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“Actually yes” his coldness put me on defense. I knew I had to expect it from him, thought I hoped he wanted to work it out as much as me. They say you get how important someone is when you lose him.
Well that was completely true.

“Why are you here?”

“Can we talk?”

“I don’t think there’s something to talk about”

“Well I think there is”

“That’s not my problem”

“John I got it, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say what I said the other day in the library…you misunderstood me! I felt like you wanted more from our relationship…I mean I thought we were just sex friends…and then you started being jealous, and I felt like you put me on the spot, so I started freaking out”

“I appreciate your apologizes Andy”

I was waiting him to say something more, but he didn’t.

“Is that it?”

“Yes. Are we ok now?”

“Does it mean we can go back to normal and you’re not mad at me?”

“I said I appreciate your apologizes, not that I accept them”

That made me angry. He was punishing me, he was hurting me the way I did with him.
That was pure revenge, and we all know revenge is for the weak.

“Are you even serious?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?”

“John, I came here to apologize and try to work things out between us, and now you act like you don’t care? Really? You know how hard is for me”

“Am I the one who doesn’t care? You basically threw me in another girl’s arms! And then I’m the one who doesn’t care?!”

“John I didn’t mean it! I was just saying! Seeing you with that girl hurt me! That’s why I’m here! I’m pouring my heart out telling you that I’m sorry!”

“You can’t just think we can go back to the way we were. Something’s different now Andy, I got it and you got it too. Maybe it’s better we stay far from each other for a while, so you can go out with whoever you want to without me getting jealous and I can figure out if I like Vicky enough to forget about you”

That sort of confession left me speechless and breathless.

“Forget about me?”

He sighed and looked away.

“Andy why do you think I got jealous seeing you going out with Zack?”

“I don’t know John, you tell me”

“It has been a couple of weeks I feel something else and I know you don’t feel the same. I hoped you changed your mind after we just slept together but then we fought and you told me those things so I got it was better for me to go and look out for some other fishes in the water, you know?”

“I didn’t mean it like that”

“Yes Andy, you did. You told me you didn’t want something more than sex from me, basically. And it’s ok for me, I mean it’s totally understandable. That’s what we decided in the first place and I was the one changing my mind. Actually it wasn’t even expected. It happened”

“What happened…what are you trying to say?”

“Andy you don’t need me to tell you. You’re smart enough to understand why I don’t think it’s better for us to continue what we were doing. That would be bad”

“Bad for you?”

“I guess”

I nodded and looked into his eyes. He was telling me he didn’t want to have sex with me because that would have hurt him more. I was hurting him without even knowing.
I would have stopped if I knew it before. I didn’t want him and no one to feel bad because of me, pretty much as I didn’t want to feel bad because of someone else.

“So… I guess I’ll see you around?”

“Yes, see you on campus”

“Goodbye John”

“Bye Andy, thanks for stopping by”

I sighed and looked at him for the last time. I went down the stairs pretty fast, noticing that someone was coming into the house, and not feeling really happy about it.

“Hey, ehm... I’m looking for John, can you tell me where he is?”

“His room, go upstairs, the last door on the corridor is the one”

She thanked me but I didn’t reply because actually she wasn’t that welcome.
I went out of the house feeling frustrated, bad and guilty. Feeling like I did the worst thing ever by letting him go. Now he was in his room with that girl, who I supposed was Vicky: the same girl I saw him with some days before. Probably they were kissing and he was acting nice and cool like he always did with me.
Only the thought of it made me want to vomit. He was kissing her neck and she was touching his chest, then they would have probably had sex in the bed I was used to be with him in, and then probably they would have cuddled, something John and I never did, but something I envied because she would have gotten those cuddles without even asking, because John was caring after all and I was the bitch in that situation. It was my fault and now I couldn’t just think I could have gotten him back the way I wanted, how and when I wanted. He wasn’t an object. Especially if I kept going out with Zack or whoever else, especially if I still didn’t want to have a proper relationship. John was a great guy and that day I realized it.
But still, I wasn’t the right girl for him. He wanted a girl who wanted to cuddle after making love, who liked to receive flowers and serenades before going to bed. As much as I liked attentions from guys, when I felt on the spot, I usually ran away, like I did with John. I wasn’t capable of having a relationship, I was a terrible girlfriend and I didn’t get how John could even think about us being together.
He wanted an exclusive, when I wanted to be free and wild and have fun.
I was the problem in that situation, and I knew it. But still, at first I thought it was ok for me, I thought I could manage it. I thought I wouldn’t have missed John and his attentions. Well, I was wrong.
But at that time, I still didn’t know it.

I took my phone out the pocket and texted Zack.

“Are you free tonight? I owe you the fact that I ran away from our lunch. Andy”