That's What You Get.

I tried real hard starting living my life the way it was before John came into my life. Before I met the whole Theta Chi crew, I would say I was boring. It was my first year as a freshman in college, and I was in a sorority with a lot of girls whose favorite color was pink, so we weren’t really the funniest people on campus.
The day I met Kennedy in class, he asked me to go to this party at his frat house on Friday night, and so I did. That night was the beginning of the end. That night was six months ago.

We were about to go on Spring Break, and everyone was managing where to go. Usually at ASU, Spring Break started right after the last football game of the regular season, and a lot of people were going to Oceanside-California, for a wild week of non-stop partying. All the fraternities and sororities were going, and that meant that my sisters and I were going, as well as the Theta Chi and Sigma Ni house.
That also meant that both John and Zack were going. Bingo.

“Next week is going to be crazy”

Becky was already thinking of the clothes to bring. She was writing down a list of musts for the week.
And I was there pretending to listen to her like every time she was talking about skirts and heels.

“I really can’t wait”

I said with sarcasm. I wanted to go away for a while and have fun but having Zack always behind my back and John around with that new Barbie girl wasn’t my real concept of the word fun.

“Could you be more enthusiastic, please? I’m growing a pair of balls here”

“YAYYY we’re going to Oceanside, how awesome!”

Rebecca looked at me with everything but a smile on her face.

“This whole separation anxiety thing with John is getting me nervous”

“Becky it is none of your business”

“If you listened to me, at this time-“ I interrupted her.

“Don’t even start” I said standing up from my bed “I don’t want to listen, we already talked about this new situation and I would love you to shut up, thanks” I made my way out the door saying I was going out.
Well, I had a date after all.

Zack was in the football team, and that meant that he was playing a match the day after, right before our departure to California. And now that I was his new ‘hang out girl of the month’ -as Kennedy told me once- that meant I had to listen to him talking about football 24/7 every time we went out. That really wasn’t what I expected, but it was my choice going out with a football player. Well, going out isn’t even really the real way to express what I was doing. Actually, I didn’t even know myself what I was doing with him.
We always were out together around the campus, nothing much really, talking and grabbing a beer at the pub. Let’s say he talked and I listened. He loved to talk about himself, and I loved pretending I was listening while thinking about something else. He always bought it. Then going back to my house, he tried to kiss me tons of times but I never let him do it. My mind wasn’t just there.
Zack was sure a good guy, he always called me and texted me, but every time my mobile phone beeped, I always hoped it was someone else. Football wasn’t my thing, and Zack wasn’t my kind of guy.
That was easy to think but hard to realize and say out loud. I was the bitch of my own pride.

That night he tried to kiss me again, and for the nth time I rejected him.

“I’m sorry, it just doesn’t feel good” was my excuse.

Going back to my room I thought of the list of things I had in common with Zack and the result was none.
Then my mind thought of John and in that moment I felt something weird going through my stomach.
I remembered that time he told me he wrote a song about me, and even if it wasn’t about the most romantic thing on this earth, well, that gesture meant a lot more than all the times Zack told me I was beautiful. There was something I wasn’t considering, that hit me when in bed I started to read his texts.

“Well I would love to stop by sometimes. But you have those rules…we should totally give a giant fuck about them. Sex is not a crime, sex is amazing, especially with you, so I suggest I sneak in tonight! ”

“I heard Kennedy having sex with the b.i.a.t.c.h. Now I got a boner. Not because of her of course haha. Don’t get mad! I was just thinking about having sex too, but with you! Why you don’t come here tonight? You can sleep over, it’s ok for me. I love when you sleep naked :P”

“Yes babe, I’m free tonight. I’m your slut ahah. Just tell me when you’re about to come (AHAH) and I’ll get ready for a sex marathon, oh yeah! See you later then, can’t wait!”

I sighed and put the phone away. I wanted to hear from him and talk to him, even about random things.
I didn’t care, I just wanted to hear his voice and see him smiling at me. Every time I thought of Zack something reminded me he wasn’t John. He was good looking, but that was it.
It was pure physical attraction, thing that I felt for John too. But still, it was different.
I was used to not hearing anything from John in days, but now I almost felt like I needed a sing from him.
In the last month we talked like everyday, it was a routine I didn’t mind at all-and we all know how I hate doing the same things every day. So, when before I complained him being all jealous and stuff, now I was complaining the fact he wasn’t giving a straight shit about me. I knew that feeling was coming.
I knew it and I was trying to stop it, to avoid the danger. I failed.

I missed John.
That was it. Nothing more or nothing less, I simply missed him.
I missed everything about him, from his laughter to the sex, from his smile to his eyes, from his body to his scent. That wasn’t what I expected, and now I had to live with it.
Especially knowing that in a week I would have seen him every day and night going around the hotel hand in hand with the Barbie. I couldn’t bare the sight of it. Jealous or not, I envied her and envy is not good.

When I got up the next morning I look up to the calendar. It was Saturday, the big day full of events.
At 2pm there was the football match, where Zack begged me to go to see him play. Then Oceanside was ready to welcome us for a whole week. I wasn’t ready. I tried my best to think of an excuse to stay alone on campus for seven days straight, with no good result. I had to go, no matter what.
The best solution I got was getting drunk every night just to forget everything. That could have worked.
I asked Kennedy to come with me to the play. Neither him nor I knew something about that sport, thought we tried to keep attention and cheer whenever the red and yellow uniforms were throwing the ball to the other side of the field. The Sun Devils were a good team as far as I knew, and the mascot was a cute guy who had his whole body red and yellow painted. Although I didn’t know nothing else about the sports and athletics that my college offered. I never was a fan of sports. I always was the music type.
As soon as the match started Kennedy started talking to me.

“So” he said breaking the ice “can you please tell me why we’re here again?”

“Because Zack asked me to, and because I’m nice”

“Why do I have to be involved in all this then?”

“Because you’re my friend and you love me”

“Dammit that’s right” I laughed “listen, are you ok Andy? It’s been a while”

Yes, that was true. Since when John and I didn’t talk anymore, I barely went to the Theta Chi house. I didn’t want to bump in John and the new girlfriend, so I stayed away. Kennedy knew something was on, because both John and I told him, and he always knew both different sides of the story.

“Yeah…you know, things are a little harsh between your brother and I”

“I know, that’s why I want to know if you’re ok with it”

“Yes, I’m ok with it. I’m the one who chose this situation and I have to live with it”

“Liar”

I felt astonished by what he said. I couldn’t look him in the eye, or he would have known he was right.

“John told me everything, you know it. I can see it, you act different. You would love to ask me if he asked something about you…but you’re actually too proud to do it, so you act like you don’t care, but the fact is that you care a lot more than what you think. You wouldn’t have tried to work things out with him otherwise”

“Thanks for the brain analysis, doctor”

He laughed “C’mon Andy, we all got it. You’re scared of saying that you actually like John more than just sex. He did the first move now it’s your turn”

“I did it too, I apologized and he didn’t want to listen. Now he has a new girl anyway”

“Yes but believe me they’re not that happy” he got closer to whisper in my ear “they don’t have sex”

“I don’t care”

“Oh you do, buddy”

“Kenny I came here to watch the game here, not to talk about this”

“As you want, but remember that you’re a big fat ass liar. Think about it”

I laughed and then I looked over the field to see Zack doing touchdown. Everyone cheered up for the goal, but not me. I was cheering and smiling for something else.