That's What You Get.

More than Spring Break, the one I was spending was Spring Broke.
I should have enjoyed my days in the sun; I should have laughed and gotten drunk with my friends.
All I felt instead was misery and sadness, while everyone else was smiling and was happy.
When I got back from the pier, with my heart broken, I felt like everyone was staring at me, like I was in the centre of their attention. It was like they saw something under my skin, behind my sunglasses.
I needed to walk and think. Or maybe I just need a friend to talk to.

“Hey, Andy, wait up!”

I recognize Kennedy’s voice and stopped. I looked at him running towards me with a smile, but when he saw me not responding to it, that smile became a frown.

“Mmm, something’s clearly wrong”

“You got it”

“Wanna talk?”

“Wanna walk?”

“Sure”.

We started walking on the sand, with our feet into the water. It took me five minutes before I started actually talking. It was hard for me to tell what I was feeling right there and then.
I had to face something I never felt, something I actually avoided but that got me anyway.

“Andy I can’t read your mind. You want to talk, I’m here to listen, but do it”

I sighed.

“I think I fucked up”

“Well we all know you did it”

“Kenny, are you here to comfort me or what?”

“Ok, sorry. I just stated the fact”

“Anyway… Yesterday night I told John to leave the Barbie because I wanted him back, basically”

“I know that”

I stopped.

“Wait what? You knew it?”

“Yes, John is my brother and best friend; he tells me everything that happens between you two. It seems like the new Dawson’s Creek but this time it’s John and Andy’s Creek”

“You’re not being funny. And anyway why didn’t you come and talk to me!?”

“I was going to, today. And here I am now!”

“Kennedy you’re not helping me”

“Andy I’m just trying to make you smile” I puffed and faked a smile “this is not what I intended but it’s a start” we started walking again “Andy I was waiting for you to realize it. How many times did I tell you that you were going to feel something sooner or later? You can’t be sex buddies forever!”

“That was the idea at the beginning actually”

“But it can’t be forever! People change, feelings change. John got into you a long ago, because he got that you were worth it. He waited for you to realize it too, and now that you finally did it, you are pushing him away anyways! You’re hurting him and you’re hurting yourself as well, I can’t see my best friends like this”

“I hate feeling like this” I said “I avoided it in every possible way and here I am anyway”

“You can’t tell your heart to stop beating faster if you like someone”

“Your whole ‘listen to your heart’ shit didn’t help me staying away from this mess”

“I just want you two to be happy. You both deserve it”

“I think it won’t happen soon”

“Why are you saying this?”

“Because I told him to fuck off again, basically”

Kennedy stopped and I knew he wanted to kill me.

“What did you tell him?”

“That he’s better off with someone who really cares about him like Vicky”

“Andy why are you doing this? Why can’t you just be happy for once without complicating everything?”

“I don’t want to get hurt”

“You got hurt anyway, see? Let John fix it”

“What if I don’t want him to fix him? What if…if he fixes it, I got hurt again sooner or later?”

“Why are you so afraid of being in love Andy? It’s ok to have someone to rely on when you’re down. It’s good to wake up knowing you’re going to see them soon, it puts you a smile on your face. Andy love is not a bad thing, and John is a good guy. I know him, he’s my brother, remember? He would never hurt you”

“I hate you Kennedy”

He laughed. “Why?”

“Because you make everything sound amazing”

“Love is amazing”

“No it’s not”

“Yes it is. Just try it for once. Don’t be afraid, I know you are a strong girl! Come on!”

“Well I’m not that strong if I keep crying and crying”

“Aww, come here little pussy”

He hugged me and I could feel his hot skin on mine. I sighed and thanked him. He always had the right words to say to everyone in every occasion. I could never live without Kennedy. Maybe love was good but friendship was obviously better. Real friends, they don’t leave you, never.
We got back and Kenny asked me to sit with him on the sand but as soon as I spotted Jules, I denied his nice offer to get back to Rebecca and his boyfriend. I hated to be their third wheel, but Alex was sure better than Jules. No doubt on that.
It took us five minutes before becoming four. Zack saw me and immediately wanted to join.
He asked me to lie down with him and talk, but I didn’t want to hear his voice. All I wanted was somewhere else, not that far, with someone else. Ken should have gone for Barbie instead.

“You still don’t like me uh?”

“Zack stop being so paranoid please”

“What a pussy” said his brother Alex “he’s sad because the girl who he likes doesn’t like him back”

“Shut up you loser” we all laughed seeing him becoming all red. I found it almost cute.

“Zack you’re a good guy. I like you”

“Then why are you being so difficult? It seems like everything I do around you isn’t enough to make you like me as much as I do like you”

Those words sounded so real that I couldn’t stay silent without saying anything. He was being honest, not even John had the balls to tell me what he felt all at once, every time. Zack had a point after all.

“Awwwh Zackary Merrick you are so lovely” Alex said again joking “you are so cute little princess”

“Shut the fuck up Alexander! You don’t know shit!”

We laughed again but then I looked at Zack and kissed him on the cheek.

“Thanks Zack, you’re adorable”

“That’s it?”

“I’m just feeling bad because of how much I drank last night, don’t worry. As soon as I get better we will have a chat about this, ok?”

“If you say so”

“Oh, come on don’t be sassy”

“You say you like me back but I don’t see it, that’s why I’m worried”

I sighed and tried to smile. All I did was a weak and fake sort of a smile, which must have fooled him though. I got up the sand and gave him my hand.

“Come on, let’s have a walk together. Take my hand and show me what kind of a gentleman you are”

He smiled and took my hand, but then he put his arm around my neck. I didn’t imagine someone could be so turned down by what I did or said. John never told me anything, probably because he knew I didn’t want to hear it. Zack didn’t care at all, and just told me what he had on his mind. That was good.
He was a good guy and I knew it: although he wasn’t John.
We walked for a while and talked about every single thing that popped in our minds. Then he got me up on his shoulders and got me into the water with him. We had a couple of hours together and I almost had fun, but it wasn’t like it should have been. I would have rather preferred to be with John, instead of knowing he had a Barbie around him every single second. But I wanted it: now it was too late to complain, right?
Andy you’re the master in fucking things up, congrats.

“What do I have to do to be liked by you?”

“Nothing more and nothing less Zack, just be yourself”

“You have me around your finger, you know that right?”

I didn’t know what to say. I smiled and just took his hand in mine.

“I’m a lucky girl”

He stared at me for a couple of seconds before trying to kiss me properly. I closed my eyes and I let him do it, but I retrieved before he could ask for more. He kissed my forehead and then we headed back.
For a little while Zack helped me forgetting, but as soon as we went separated ways I thought about what happened with him and I regretted every single thing. Now he thought we were like together, and I was definitely lying to him. Everything was becoming worse and I wasn’t trying to stop the events.
I was watching myself drowning in my own lies and I didn’t know how to get things to normal.
But maybe –maybe- was better to lie? Maybe it was better to step back without knowing how it could have been if I tried? Regretting everything because I didn’t try?

Going back to the hotel, I bumped into John and Vicky. She barely looked at me, and also John. They were holding hands and they were laughing. They really looked happy together, while I looked sad and alone.