That's What You Get.

“I got back to my room. Thanks for everything Andy, you’re the best. See you later. Kenny”

Kennedy’s calligraphy was readable even on a toilet paper. That guy was amazing in every way.
I got up from the floor from where I slept that night, still not sober at all. I reached the bathroom and went immediately under the shower. That gin was strong and my stomach wasn’t that much, apparently.
Another day and another terrible mood: and we still were in the middle of the holiday. Other three days before going back to normal, before final exams and before summer. I needed to get away from campus; I wouldn’t have seen John for a while, even if we lived kinda close. Scottsdale and Tempe weren’t that far.
As soon as I noticed I was thinking about John from the beginning of my day, I tried to stop doing it in every way possible. He made me frustrated. He made me mad. But he made my heart beat fast too.

“We are waiting for you on the beach, are you coming?”

Zack’s texts were always very incisive and determined, like he was. He wanted me to be with him, and he did it. He wanted to kiss me and he did it. Although, even if he wanted me to be into him as he was into me, my heart didn’t feel anything special when we were together. Sure, I was flattered of his attention, but that was it. Then why I was still trying to force myself liking him for real when I knew I was lying, and failing miserably? Zack could have believed me for now, but not for long.

“Here you are babe!”

“Hi Zack”

He hugged me and kissed me briefly on the lips. His arms were giant, totally different from John’s. He was actually the opposite of John, both physically and personally.
Maybe I should have stopped confronting them. That wouldn’t have brought me anywhere.

“What are your plans for the day?”

“Just chill under the sun I guess”

“With me?”

“Possibly”

He smiled and I wanted to disappear. I was being a total bitch to him. I was being a hypocrite and I hated hypocrites. Love was getting the worst of me out. I was just hiding and stepping back, and I wasn’t that kind of girl. I always faced problems and people, no matter what if they had to tell me good or bad news, if I had to fight with them. Nothing ever stopped me, until I found out love was knocking at my door.
Zack wanted to lie down on the sand and be there with me for the whole afternoon. As soon as he fell asleep I stood up and walked away to look out for Kennedy. He was playing beer pong with a couple of brothers at the bar. I approached, and he immediately stopped playing. Again, he was great.

“Good morning Snow White”

I looked over and saw Jules looking back at us with anger in her eyes.

“Good morning. There’s the bad witch who is waiting for me to eat a poisoned apple, right over there”

“I couldn’t give a fuck about her”

“Me neither”

“Are you ok? Any headaches or stomachaches?”

“Not at all. I just feel weird”

“That’s what love does” I didn’t reply “that must be hard for you to keep your mouth shut in a situation like this. The Andy I know would have started saying ‘Kennedy stop talking you got it all wrong!’” he said miming my voice.

“I don’t talk like that!”

“Oh believe me, you do”

“Do I sound that annoying?”

“Yes, but I love you so I let you talk”

I laughed and punched him for joke. Then he hugged me and started tickling me.
Not that far Jules was still staring at us. And even better, John and his girl were walking towards us.
As soon as I saw them, I told Kennedy I was about to go, but he asked me to stay.

“No, Kennedy, I can’t”

I left right before John could step into the bar. He saw it and it didn’t take long for him to follow me.

“Andy, wait a second”

“John I need to get back to Zack”

“Because you care about him right?”

“As much as you care about your girlfriend”

“At least you do care for someone now”

“Don’t even start going there”

“Then why you left when I got into the bar?”

“I told you, I need to go back”

“Zack is a big man, he can do anything by himself”

“John whatever”

I started walking but he blocked me by coming right in front of me.

“Why are you avoiding me if you don’t care about me at all?”

“Why are you still trying to have answers you will never get?”

“Stop lying Andy”

“I’m not lying about anything John. Now if you excuse me”

I tried to leave again, with no success. I sighed and looked to the ocean. I wasn’t able to look into his eyes, they were too beautiful. He was.

“John what do you want me to say?!”

“Anything! Anything would be better than you being silent! You found out about what Jules did and you didn’t come and insult me! Even an insult would be good but please say something!”

“I don’t know what to say! Everything went wrong and I don’t know how to fix it!”

“Let me fix this! Let me do something! I tried everything, I asked Jules to help me and still, you didn’t have a reaction. What can I do to make you like me?”

I was about to cry. I wanted to tell him I did like him more than he ever imagined. That I was into him since when I found out he was dating someone else, but I was too scared to say it out loud. I wanted to kiss him and make it good. I couldn’t take all those lies anymore but still I couldn’t risk it.
He didn’t have to do anything more to make me like him. Just be the perfect guy he was, the perfect guy I never realized he was, before.

“John you don’t have to do anything. You are a great guy”

“But…?”

I shook my head and tried not to show how hurt I was.
He nodded.

“Sometimes I think you do not have a heart”

I thought that too, before falling for him. People don’t get hurt if they don’t have a heart, right?

“Believe it or not, I do have it too”

“Well it doesn’t look like that for sure”

“John this conversation is pointless. Let it go”

“I don’t know why I keep doing this, you are a waste of time”

Those words hit me like a knife in my back. Those words were powerful and rude.

“You’re being unfair John”

“You’re being a total bitch Andy”

“Just because I don’t like you back? Well you must sit down and have a chit chat with your ego”

“I’ll do it as soon as you’ll have a chat with your pride”

“John go back to Vicky and leave me alone won’t you?”

“Sure Andy, I don’t even know why I followed you. Have fun with your boyfriend”

He walked past me and reached for the bar. I looked back at him entering it, and asking the bartender for a beer. He always wanted to drink when he was nervous. Vicky got close to him but he didn’t talk to her, and avoided her touch when she tried to hug him. In the meanwhile Kennedy was watching the whole scene.

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel"

I read the text Kennedy sent me and deleted it immediately. I didn’t want to see as well as I didn’t want to feel. But still, it was way too late. They say it’s never too late, and others say that it’s too little too late.
Like it or not, I thought it was too late to fix everything and go back to the way it was. Maybe it was just a nightmare. Maybe I would have woken up in an empty bed, hearing John’s voice in the shower, like the way it was at the beginning, when we were just strangers. Now everything was different and so was I.
I was insecure about a lot of things in that moment of my life, but I was sure about one.
What I knew for sure was that my heart was broke in two. So, despite what John thought and said, I did have one. Yes, I had a heart, and maybe John should have known that by then it was all his.