Until the End

It is two years and a few months later. December 28, 2009 to be exact. The last few reminds of Christmas still hung on the wall and ceiling, even the tree was still up. Of course none of it was my idea. My mom and sister had decorated since everyone came over, it was my year to host after all.

Things had gone. And no, there is no missing adjective there. Life had just gone. After Hayden’s death we buried her, taking off the rest of our promotional tour. We finally did release our CD, dedicating it to Hayden of course. After that there was more touring, DVDs, and even marriages. Brian and Matt had both married their loves, Johnny and Zacky engaged on their own.

Me, you ask? I’ve had plenty of flings, but no one was quite like Hayden. Correction, no one was like Hayden. I found one thing or more wrong with every girl I’ve been with. I finally gave up. Now my only girlfriend is, literally, music. Speaking of which we’re working on our new album now. Recording is starting for us in January.

But I had kept my promise. I appreciated life as much as I could summon. On the outside I was fine. Happy, hyper, random, same old Jimmy. Behind closed doors, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. A ghost of my former self I could only assume. I seriously felt like Hayden had taken a piece of me with her.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I turned off the television I had been somewhat watching for the past thirty minutes. I tossed the remote back on the coffee table where my feet rested. After a few moments I pushed myself off the couch. It felt so empty in this huge house. Especially since so many people had occupied the unused rooms only this morning. I looked at the clock to now see it was one thirty in the morning. I walked into the kitchen, decided to have a shot.

That was another thing that changed since Hayden had passed away. I didn’t drink anymore. When I drank I was left with my thoughts and they ended with calling myself a murderer. Oh, I hadn’t told you that part yet? Oh you’re going to love this one. Yes, that is sarcasm.

Her doctor did the honor of the biopsy. Her only decision is that Hayden’s disease (still unknown, by the way) was triggered to go faster by her multiple changes in environments in the last two weeks of her life. Yeah, see what I mean? If I wouldn’t have talked her and everyone into getting Hayden into coming on tour then she’d still be alive. Or at least would have lasted much longer. I am a murderer.

I hesitated for a second as I pulled down the Jack Daniels that’s been sitting on top of my fridge for the last year. I was kind of shocked no one had noticed it before. Was I really going to break my cold turkey thing? I shook it off, pulling down the bottle. I unscrewed the top and slide over an unused, but very clean shot glass. I filled it up with the light brown liquid that smelt foreign after so long without it.

I hesitated again when the shot glass was just in front of my mouth. When had I taken my heart medicine? It couldn’t have been that long ago. Didn’t I do that when I had sat down in front of the TV? I shrugged, not caring anymore. It probably was at least an hour ago. I would be fine. I shot the alcohol back, it burning the back of my throat a little. I did one more before placing the bottle back in its rightful spot.

I walked to my front door, making sure it was locked before heading upstairs to my well deserved bed. I had been staying up so late lately to work on songs. I had finally finished my last song yesterday. I told Matt I thought it was the last I could offer. I felt like I was just done with this album. It was my favorite song I think I had ever made/worked on. I called it “Death”. I don’t know why, the title just stuck out to me.

I paused in the upstairs hallway, hand already reaching for my bedroom door. I changed my route and made a beeline straight for the music room. I headed over to the baby, black grand piano I owned, lifting the cover for the keys. I hummed along as my fingers glided across the keys to play the piano track to the song.

“I know you’ll find your own way when I’m not with you tonight.”

I paused, straining my ears. I could have sworn I heard someone else sing with me. A girl, I think. I shook my head and chuckled at myself. It’s just the tiredness talking. I shut the piano before standing and heading back into my room. I flipped off all the lights as I went, including my bedroom’s. I sat on the edge of the king bed, tossing my Converse by the corner where the closet was located.

I climbed under the covers, shutting my eyes. What seemed like only minutes later I saw a bright, blinding light on the other side of my eyelids. I groaned, figuring one of the guys had decided to show up like dicks and wake me up. I muttered out a, “Go away.”

“I see how it is Jim Jam. I haven’t seen you in, about, forever and you want me to go away?” My eyes narrowed, while they were closed mind you, in confusion. That voice sounded so familiar. I sat up and held a hand out, blocking my eyes. I opened my eyes and all I saw was bright white. Much brighter than my bedroom light.

“Who’s there?” A figure literally skipped into sight. At first they were just a blurry, black outline coming from the white. As soon as the person got closer I recognized them instantly. “Hayden?”

“The one and only,” she chirped, grinning. She was still dressed in the same outfit as she had been when she had died. The light instantly seemed to get to a normal level. And all my furniture was missing. I was standing, fully dressed. Including the Converse I had just tossed on the other end of the room.

“No, this isn’t possible. You’re dead,” I said, eyes wide. “Where are we?”

“Well we’re a lot alike Jimmy.” I noted how she completely dodged my second question. Maybe she even dodged my first one.

“What does that mean?”

“Do you want the good version or the bad first?” Hayden giggled, raking my hand and starting a comfortable walking pace in a random direction in the vast, white oblivion.

“Bad?”

“You’re dead.”

“What?” My eyes were the size of saucers. I didn’t want to be dead. I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone before I passed. I know I said I wouldn’t live to thirty but I was just kidding. I really wasn’t going to?

“Yes. But it’s not that bad. I’ve been living here nicely for two years.”

“Where is here?” Hayden stopped, grinning up at me.

“That’s the good version. Big Man knew you appreciated life and were a good person, much like me. He decided to let you Upstairs.”

“Upstairs? Big Man?” I let my eyes wander the white light from all directions. “You mean God? And I’m in Heaven?”

“Yes sir,” Hayden giggled out like a madwoman. “He was a tiny bit angry I wasn’t religious, but He decided to let me in anyways once I told Him how stupid I was.”

“Wow.” I just shook my head. Hayden wrapped her arms around my waist and stared up at me. I smiled. I loved seeing those green eyes after so long.

“Jimmy? There’s one question have.”

“What?”

“Would you want to still spend an eternity with me?”

“Of course! My feelings haven’t changed for you in the least.” She grinned, leaning up to kiss me.

“Good. Because we have a lot of catching up. And with this place able to change as long as you can picture a place, our lives are endless.” Suddenly the scene changed to Central Park, right by the pond. Ducks were running around and the sun was high in the sky. She detached herself from me, twirling in circles with her arms above her head, laughter escaping her mouth. I ran after her, causing her to let out an ‘eek’. I tackled her to the ground, straddling her waist. We stared at each other for a while before I broke the silence.

“You always had my heart Hayden Lee Fraser.”

“And you too James Owen Sullivan.” I leaned down, capturing her lips in a long, passionate kiss. When we finally separated we were breathing heavily.

“I’m glad I have eternity to show you how much you mean to me,” I murmured, leaning down to burying my face in her neck.

“I think I already know.”

Not even close.