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Red Snow
warmth
Luca touched me this morning.
I didn't scream or try to run away. It felt nice. But it scared me a little too. I rarely let people other than Nora touch me. Even when Lizabet touched me I sometimes flinched. It was fine if she asked first. But other than my two cousins, no one ever touches me. Ever.
But now Luca has touched me too. Held me and kept me warm even. I can't believe I just met him yesterday. I can't believe I let him touch me.
I'm so stupid for doing that. Why why why did I let him hold me...
He will think I am disgusting. Just like everyone does. I know that my aunt and uncle only put up with me because I am related to them. I know that I'm a handful-too much to deal with.
Especially when I was younger. I remember either my aunt or uncle would have to pick me up early from school almost every day. I would always get panic attacks. Or get sick. Or teased.
I feel so bad for putting them through that. I was such a selfish and worthless little thing. I never helped with any chores because I was afraid of everything. And even at night I would get night-terrors every night and have to be comforted.
I truly am surprised they still put up with me. I suppose they fell sorry for me though. I haven said one word, nor uttered a noise for almost nine years. I don't even know If my voice changed. Or if my vocal chords work.
Who would care for a freak like me.
Definitely not someone as beautiful and perfect and strong as Luca. Strong people like other strong people. Not people like me who need protecting all the time.
Luca is like a big powerful lion.
And I am a small sparrow with a broken wing.
Thoughts like these ran through my head all day. All goddamn day. It was awful. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even things I enjoyed.
In math class I think I might have even answered a problem incorrectly-something I don't think I have ever done before.
I didn't doodle all day either. I just stared into space and looked out the windows. The only thing I remember from the day was a sparrow I saw walking out of school for the day.
The fragile bird seemed like it was looking at me, it's beady black eyes piercing into my brain.
'hello Snow' it seemed to say 'come join me. You are nothing more than a little broken bird'
I frowned and left quickly.
I do not need to be creating conversations between myself and birds.
But all this happened hours ago. Now I was lying in bed thinking about my day.
I wasn't ready to fall asleep yet, but my eyelids were slowly falling lower and lower until I slipped away into dreamland.
"Daddy please stop!" I screamed.
"Shut that mouth of yours boy! You voice is ugly. No one is ever gonna listen to that voice of yours again. You here me?" I nodded at my father's angry words as a hot tear made its way down my face.
Then the other man came into the room. In each hand sharp things glinted in the dull light.
"Fucking freak." The man spat the words out of his mouth. I trembled but didn't let any noise escape my lips.
Both men came over and I looked away toward the window again. It looked so calm and cool outside.
The fire beside me was burning only that side of my body. I was much too close to the heat and could feel the fire almost setting me aflame.
I closed my eyes as one man bent down to me with his blade and grabbed my arm roughly.
I bit my lips until they bled so I wouldn't cry out from the pain.
My forearm was stinging and I could feel blood trickling down.
I squinted and saw another shadow coming toward me with something glowing red like the flames beside me.
I shook more and closed my eyes tightly.
My hair was grabbed and my head wrenched so I was looking up. Then a searing pain smashed into my cheek.
Again on my forehead. Then another time. Then again.
Then two more on the opposite cheek. And it was gone. My face was burning. It felt as if my skin was going to melt away.
I turned toward the window again. Looking at the softly falling snow outside. So cool. So calm...
Suddenly I sensed something coming toward my face.
I tried to move I really did.
Then a slash starting at my hair line and moving down past my tightly closed eye.
My tears stung as they fell in the wound. Even I could tell it was probably bone deep.
Then blackness.
Sweet painless blackness.
I didn't scream or try to run away. It felt nice. But it scared me a little too. I rarely let people other than Nora touch me. Even when Lizabet touched me I sometimes flinched. It was fine if she asked first. But other than my two cousins, no one ever touches me. Ever.
But now Luca has touched me too. Held me and kept me warm even. I can't believe I just met him yesterday. I can't believe I let him touch me.
I'm so stupid for doing that. Why why why did I let him hold me...
He will think I am disgusting. Just like everyone does. I know that my aunt and uncle only put up with me because I am related to them. I know that I'm a handful-too much to deal with.
Especially when I was younger. I remember either my aunt or uncle would have to pick me up early from school almost every day. I would always get panic attacks. Or get sick. Or teased.
I feel so bad for putting them through that. I was such a selfish and worthless little thing. I never helped with any chores because I was afraid of everything. And even at night I would get night-terrors every night and have to be comforted.
I truly am surprised they still put up with me. I suppose they fell sorry for me though. I haven said one word, nor uttered a noise for almost nine years. I don't even know If my voice changed. Or if my vocal chords work.
Who would care for a freak like me.
Definitely not someone as beautiful and perfect and strong as Luca. Strong people like other strong people. Not people like me who need protecting all the time.
Luca is like a big powerful lion.
And I am a small sparrow with a broken wing.
Thoughts like these ran through my head all day. All goddamn day. It was awful. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even things I enjoyed.
In math class I think I might have even answered a problem incorrectly-something I don't think I have ever done before.
I didn't doodle all day either. I just stared into space and looked out the windows. The only thing I remember from the day was a sparrow I saw walking out of school for the day.
The fragile bird seemed like it was looking at me, it's beady black eyes piercing into my brain.
'hello Snow' it seemed to say 'come join me. You are nothing more than a little broken bird'
I frowned and left quickly.
I do not need to be creating conversations between myself and birds.
But all this happened hours ago. Now I was lying in bed thinking about my day.
I wasn't ready to fall asleep yet, but my eyelids were slowly falling lower and lower until I slipped away into dreamland.
"Daddy please stop!" I screamed.
"Shut that mouth of yours boy! You voice is ugly. No one is ever gonna listen to that voice of yours again. You here me?" I nodded at my father's angry words as a hot tear made its way down my face.
Then the other man came into the room. In each hand sharp things glinted in the dull light.
"Fucking freak." The man spat the words out of his mouth. I trembled but didn't let any noise escape my lips.
Both men came over and I looked away toward the window again. It looked so calm and cool outside.
The fire beside me was burning only that side of my body. I was much too close to the heat and could feel the fire almost setting me aflame.
I closed my eyes as one man bent down to me with his blade and grabbed my arm roughly.
I bit my lips until they bled so I wouldn't cry out from the pain.
My forearm was stinging and I could feel blood trickling down.
I squinted and saw another shadow coming toward me with something glowing red like the flames beside me.
I shook more and closed my eyes tightly.
My hair was grabbed and my head wrenched so I was looking up. Then a searing pain smashed into my cheek.
Again on my forehead. Then another time. Then again.
Then two more on the opposite cheek. And it was gone. My face was burning. It felt as if my skin was going to melt away.
I turned toward the window again. Looking at the softly falling snow outside. So cool. So calm...
Suddenly I sensed something coming toward my face.
I tried to move I really did.
Then a slash starting at my hair line and moving down past my tightly closed eye.
My tears stung as they fell in the wound. Even I could tell it was probably bone deep.
Then blackness.
Sweet painless blackness.
♠ ♠ ♠
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Another coming very very soon dearies!
XO