The Short Life of Calico Flynn

Sophie brushed a few strands of orange hair from her forehead, and I resisted the urge to touch her. Not in a sexual way. Come on. I was never a perv. But I wanted to touch her in innocent, simple ways. Like brush her hair behind her ear and trail my fingertips against her collarbone. I forced myself to glance away from her skin and instead stared at her eyes. Those soft, gray eyes seemed to be the only thing keeping me from losing it. It was strange. I barely knew her but in that moment the energy between us was so close I could almost touch it.

"I'm not sure, exactly. I didn't show up to the party until a bit later. By then you were pretty gone. I tried to get you to sit still but you kept running away from me and I kept finding you snorting more coke. Jack and everyone else thought it was hilarious." Her tone was sour. I frowned, my lips pressed into a tight line. I motioned for her to continue.

"You disappeared for awhile and when I finally found you, you we're passed out in the bathroom with a bloody nose and barf everywhere. You pretty much OD'ed, without the dying part." Her voice got more quiet as she spoke until her words came out in a hazy whisper. Nails were driving into my chest, raw and harsh. Turns out I fucked up. Big time. The fact that I barely escaped death was daunting. I buried my face in my sweater, fighting back the sobs escalating in my throat. It was like someone was squeezing my lungs with a trembling fist, tighter tighter until I could hardly breathe. I gasped, trying to collect myself.

For some unknown reason, Sophie pulled me against her, swaying gently. "Sshh, it's alright. Calm down Ash, it's alright." It took me a moment to realize I was crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks silently and the more I tried to resist them the more swiftly they fell. My body trembled and I allowed myself to melt against her, wrapping one arm around her waist and the other under her arm and up her back. It was odd hearing my real name, yet it sounded perfect on her lips. Everything was so fragile.

Holding each other with my chin resting on her shoulder I began to talk, not really to her but to the humming air around us. I needed to say something before everything inside me split open.

"Do you ever feel as if...nothing is clear? Like the world is covered by a film and nothing is vibrant and we're all trapped in a dim fog?" I closed my eyes, my brow furrowing. Hot tears swelled beneath my eyelids.

"I can't do this. And yet I have too. I have to know what happens tomorrow and the day after that and I need to know that there's a chance that things will get better and I won't have to destroy myself anymore."

The words were dripping from my lips like water. "Some days I want to end it. Everything. I say, let the pain come. Let the agony come. Let me destroy myself. But you see, that's the thing. I don't want too." I paused, biting my tongue to keep myself from sobbing. I could taste blood.

"I don't want to hurt anymore."