A Mess to Be Made

I lazily flipped through the channels while laying stomach down on the couch in the living room. I had gotten the guest room ready, as well as pulling the couches in the family room out, and was now waiting for my roommates and the band to show up. I finally settled on an episode of I Love The 80’s, and tossed the remote down before digging my hand into my bowl of popcorn.

I was halfway through the 1985 episode, when I heard voices coming down the hallway, meaning the crew had arrived. I pushed myself up on the couch, and straightened out my hair and clothes and braced myself for the awkwardness that was sure to ensue as soon as the door opened.

“Sadie, love, we’re home!” Kian said semi-loud as he walked in the door not noticing me on the couch, “Oh, you’re right there. My bad.”

“Hey guys,” I said turning towards the door, “The rooms are all set up, I can show you where you’re sleeping if you’d like.”

They all nodded, and I motioned for them to follow me. I first led them into the family room, with the two pulled out couches, where Stephen and Josh decided they would sleep. I then showed Miranda and Jess to the guest room, and was left with Brian and John, telling them that they’d get the main living room.

“You guys are free to have anything in the fridge and cupboards,” Katie said as we came back out into the living room, “And there’s towels under all of the sinks in the bathrooms if you guys want showers.”

They all gave us quick thanks, before Jess and Miranda claimed first showers, and dashed off to the two hall bathrooms. I retook my seat on the couch, now between Stephen and Katie, before swinging my legs up onto the coffee table, and watching the same show I had been before they arrived. An awkward silence was set over us, and was only disrupted when Brian cleared his throat before talking.

“Uhm, is there I bathroom I can use?” he asked looking between Katie, Kian and myself.

“Sadie has one connected to her room, I bet she’ll show you where it is,” Katie said sending a look, causing me to freeze.

“Uhm, yeah, right this way,” I said standing up and subconsciously fixing my shirt.

He stood up from the chair, and let me walk in front of him before following me down the hall. I hesitantly pushed my door open, and pointed to the opened door for Brian to walk into to. As he closed the door, I sat on my bed, and fidgeted nervously. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I was sure how to bring them up.

As soon as I heard the toilet flush, and the tap turn on, I stood up and pretended to be tidying up my desk. I heard the door re-open, and turned to Brian with a small smile before leaning against the desk. He glanced around the room, and I shifted nervously as he critiqued it.

“It’s a lot like your old room,” he said with a small smile.

“Yeah, I made it as comfortable as possible,” I said with a shrug.

“So, uh, could we, uhm, talk about some stuff?” Brian asked itching his neck awkwardly.

“Um, sure. Let’s sit on the balcony though, it’s too stuffy in here,” I said before motioning for him to follow me.

We walked out of my room, and headed towards the living room. As we passed through, everyone gave us knowing looks, and we awkwardly walked out the sliding glass door. I sat on one of the metal chairs around the table, and Brian mimicked my actions directly across from me.

“So how have you been?” I said trying my hardest to make small talk to avoid the inevitable.

“Great for the most part. Everything’s working out with the band, and I couldn’t be happier,” he said with a small smile, “How have you been?”

“Can’t complain I guess,” I said with a fake smile, “Just working a lot and going to school.”

He nodded at my answer, and another silence fell over us. I could tell he wanted to say something by the way he was playing with one of the bracelets on his wrist and biting his lip at the same time. I let my eyes dart around at all of the city lights, and tried to relax under the gaze I felt Brian put on me.

“Okay, can you just say what you want to say?” I said shifting again nervously, “This is more nerve wracking than sitting in the principals office as a child.”

“I guess I really just want to know why you did it,” he said thoughtfully, “I mean, yeah I’ve made up some scenarios in my mind as to what made you do it, but I want to hear your reason from you personally.”

“I guess saying I was drunk isn’t a great reason,” I said running a hand through my hair, “But I will tell you that it’s part of my reason. Like you know from experience, I’m a very sexual drunk.

“I know I shouldn’t have drank that much without you there, but I got to the point of oblivion where I was too stupid to stop myself. When I bumped into Josh, he started doing that charming bullshit he pulls on every girl. I recognized his familiarity, and got sucked into it immediately. I don’t remember much after leading him downstairs, but I remember everything from the following day vividly.”

I stopped talking, and looked at Brian wondering if there was anything he wanted to comment on. He merely motioned for me to continue with a small nod. I licked my lips, and swallowed trying to cover up the dryness I was feeling in my mouth.

“I remember feeling like the biggest failure and slut in the world the next day. I scrubbed my body in the shower for what felt like forever, before collapsing completely and crying for god knows how long. When I told Stephen, he instantly hated me, and that only made me feel even worse,” I said sucking in a deep breath, “You storming out of my house, and breaking my necklace was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

I looked down with my final sentence, and closed my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling. I felt a few tears escape, and brushed them away hastily before saying a quick apology to Brian as I glanced up at him. He assured me it was okay, and told me he’d be right back. I merely nodded, before watching him walk inside, and letting a few more tears slip out.

It felt nice to finally tell Brian what had happened, but tugged at my heart having to repeat all of the emotions I had mainly kept to myself for so long. A few tears were still trickling down my face when Brian reappeared with some tissues and a glass of water. I gladly accepted them from him, and wiped away my tears, and most likely mascara, before taking a drink of the water. He sat down in his original spot, and we both glanced awkwardly at each other.

“I wanted to hate you after what you did, but I found it really hard to do so,” Brian said finally breaking his silence, “It broke my heart knowing you had to substitute me for him, and that there was nothing I could do to change that.

“When I found out you left, I was crushed to say the least. While I was so angry at you, and Josh, I didn’t want to let you go that easily. After I left your house, I went home and cried, which isn’t a normal thing for me. I ached for you for the longest time, the only good thing that came out of it was a few songs we got to record.

“Not only did I lose my first love that day, I lost one of my best friends. I still miss you sometimes Sadie.”

“I miss you at times too Brian,” I said with a sad attempt at a smile, “I actually have something for you, if you take it that is.”

Brian creased his brow in confusion as I pulled my necklace out from under my shirt and lifted it off of my neck. I watched from the corner of my eye as I slid the small silver charm off, and cupped it in my hand. I reached across the table and grabbed his hand before slipping the heart pendant he had given me into his palm, and folding his fingers over it.

“I just figured that this belongs to you, since it symbolized your heart when we were together,” I said with my hand still keeping his shut, “It’s been on my neck since the day I left, and I honestly thing it’s been an anchor of sorts for me. I’d still love to be your friend, but I honestly can’t keep that anymore.”

“Friends it is then,” he said as I let go of his hand, “I guess we should go in so they don’t think we killed each other.”

“That’s a good idea,” I said with a small laugh and standing up, “What time do you guys leave tomorrow?”

“We actually have it off, so we’re staying until about 7 or 8 tomorrow night,” he said as he slid the door open.

I nodded, feeling more nervousness wash over me, and walked in the door. Everyone’s heads snapped towards us, and I couldn’t help but to laugh. Brian slid in behind me, and they looked at us with anticipation in their eyes. It caused the both of us to laugh, and I decided to tell them about our new friendship.

“We’ve decided to be friends,” I said earning a few smiles, “And since no one informed me of their off day tomorrow, I demand a lunch with Miranda, and whoever else will join us.”

“I’ll come,” John said from his spot next to Miranda, “And I’m sure Stephen will too. Josh, Brian and Jess agreed to do some press tomorrow, so they won’t be able to.”

“Wicked,” I said sitting in the vacant spot by Katie, “Do you want to come Katie? Kian?”

“AJ’s making me open tomorrow since he wanted it off incase you needed him tomorrow,” she said rolling her eyes, “But I bet he’ll go.”

“I work opening too,” Kian said giving me a funny look, “You should know that, you work with me and help with scheduling.”

“It’s been a long day,” I said shrugging, “Well, since it’s almost 1, I need some sleep. Does lunch at about noon sound good to you guys?”

They all nodded, and I stood up, followed by Kian. He told them all goodnight, before following me down the hall to our rooms. As I went to step into my room, Kian pulled me into a hug, and I melted into it.

“Are you okay baby girl?” he asked still hugging me.

“As good as I can be,” I said nodding into his chest while whispering, “It’s hard knowing we can only be friends, but at this point I’ll take what I can get.”

“You can never be too sure about what the future holds,” he said kissing the top of my head comfortingly, “Cuddle puddle to cheer you up?”

“Always,” I said with a small laugh, “Go get your pajamas on, and come back.”

He nodded, before slipping in his door, and I walked into mine. I slid my jeans off quickly, and replaced them with a pair of soffee shorts, and stayed in my tank and bandeau. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, and when I came out Kian was already laying in my bed in a pair of his shorts and no shirt. I tied my hair up on top of my head, before flipping the light off and sliding in next to him. He slung his arm around me, and I cuddled into his side.

“Thanks for always being there Kian,” I said closing my eyes, “I know I say it all of the time, but I really mean it.”

“Always baby girl,” he said causing his chest to vibrate, “I do it because I know you’d do the same thing for me.”

I nodded lazily against his chest, and felt his breathing lull to a steady pace. I listened to the rhythm of his heart while I thought about the following day, and how it could either be wonderful, or a complete disaster.