Now I'll Never Know
Just A Dream
It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
All dressed in white
Goin’ to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
A six pence in her shoe
Somethin’ borrowed, somethin’ blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands
Dash launched himself at the door as the knock sounded through the house. I tried to grab him as he skidded past the couch, but was only able to graze my fingers against his soft coat. Shaking my head I walked at a more sedate pace. Named for his energetic tendencies to run anywhere and everywhere, Dash enthusiastically jumped at the door, barking and howling.
“Dash, quiet,” I commanded, walking to stand at his side.
Almost immediately the rather large puppy stopped barking, his howls turning into whispered whimpers.
“Good boy, now back.”
I pointed to the other side of the room, feeling quite proud when he took a few steps back.
“Ah, what a good boy! Now sit.”
I smiled as his butt plopped on the wood floor, “That ‘a boy,” pulling a treat from my pocket I toss it to him, turning the door knob as Dash snapped it up. When I pulled the door open my smile widened to see Master Sergeant Danny O’Connell standing in his formal clothing.
Danny and his wife Laura live in the house next to mine. We’ve all become good friends; close enough that I’ve felt comfortable to only address him by his rank when he’s wearing his uniform.
It’s odd that he’d come over dressed like this, but he probably just got home.
“Master Sergeant O’Connell, how are you today?”
His expression barely changed, his mouth forming into a small smile while his eyes looked empty, “I’ve had better days.”
I watched him swallow as his hands extracted a white envelope from his suit pocket, “I’m so sorry, Amanda.”
I frowned as I took the envelope, opening it and removing the plain single piece of paper. Unfolding the paper I see the Great Seal of the United States, the words ‘Department of the Army, Washington D.C.’ beneath it.
And under the date, in regular black ink, were the words from my nightmares.
Dear Mrs. Roberts,
The Department of the Army deeply regrets to inform you that your husband Private First Class, Jonathan Roberts, USA Army was killed in action in the performance of his duty and in the service of his country.
The Department extends to you its deepest sympathy in your great loss.
Sincerely,
General James K. Wilson
Chief of Army Personnel
No.
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, as tears gathered in my eyes and my shoulders shook. All I could think about was that this letter has to be wrong. Someone must have typed in the wrong name; Danny had to have delivered this to the wrong house.
“No!” I screamed as I dropped to my knees, sobs pouring from me as my tears dropped onto the paper.
I didn’t notice Danny kneel in front of me, his head down as he tried to hide his own tears, or Dash pressing against my side as he felt my pain, his cries blending with mine.
Oh, God, no.
Not him, not Jonathan.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's sayin’ he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
I smoothed the skirt on my black dress as I got out of the car, the black gloves on my hands soft against my skin. I swallowed against the lump in my throat and straightened the black net veil that fell from the lace circlet on my head, trying not to let my tears run my make-up. I doubt I’ll be able to control it for long; I haven’t been able to stop crying since I received the letter three days ago.
I’ve only been able to talk to my family once, only able to tell them the news before I broke down and couldn’t get anything more out. My mom, dad, and brother all flew in yesterday to help me cope and show their support.
I love them for that, but all I want right now is my Jonathan back.
Stepping onto the gravel path I slowly walk toward my family and friends who were sitting in the first two rows, the chairs lined up so that there was a walkway between the two sections. In front of the chairs was a wooden stand that would hold my husband’s casket.
Walking to the front I sat beside my mom, my chair situated at the end of the row closest to the path. I took a deep breath and turned to my mom and she placed her hand on my clenched ones.
She gave me a small smile, leaning over to kiss my cheek, “Stay strong, baby.”
I nodded, but couldn’t speak. The knot in my throat too tight to let anything more than grief filled cries pass. I twisted back in my seat as men in military formation marched from across the cemetery. They stopped a few yards from our group, lifting their trumpet high to play Taps as another group of military men carried my husband’s casket, an American flag draped over it.
Seeing the flag and the casket made me face the truth. I’ll never see Jonathan again, never hold him in my arms or hear his voice through the static of the satellite phone. I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer, my hand covering my mouth to hold in my sobs.
I watched as the men carefully place my husband’s casket on the stand, all but two of them stepping back and out of the way.
As the trumpeters continued to play their song the two soldiers began folding the flag, their moves pristine and structured. When they finished folding the flag they placed it in Master Sergeant O’Connell’s hands. I swallowed as he turned and walked up to me, kneeling at my side.
“Private First Class Jonathan Roberts loved to serve his country. He found joy every time he completed a mission successfully. He was a great soldier and would have made it far. I, and all of America, am sorry for your loss.”
He placed the flag in my lap , his hands grasping mine tightly, “Private First Class Roberts will not be forgotten.”
I whispered a small thank you as he stood and walked away to join the other soldiers in formation. Once he was back in line another group of soldiers raised their guns, shooting off the last tribute.
The preacher man said "Let us bow our heads and pray,
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt"
Then the congregation all stood up and sang
The saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh and what could've been
Then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
I watched silently as the soldiers lowered my husband into the ground. They moved slowly, their motions synchronized. I gripped my mother’s hand, pulling my strength from her. Everyone was silent, the trumpet players at ease to show their respect.
My breath hitched as the casket hit the bottom; the sound it made seeming so loud that my body jerked. I could feel where my make-up had stiffened from my tears; imagined the black lines trailing down.
Everyone stood, signaling the end of the ceremony. The soldiers stepped back and allowed all the civilians to walk by, each one stopping at Jonathan’s site for a last farewell. I stayed back, waiting until everyone was able to say good-bye before I walked forward.
The grave seemed so deep, the dark mahogany of the casket almost blending in with the moist ground. Jonathan’s name and rank were etched into the wood in gold, the Great Seal of the United States situated just above it.
His head stone was beautiful, the Great Seal, his name, and his rank on that as well. Beneath all that his picture was carved into the stone. My heart clenched tighter when I saw it, the pain of knowing I will only see him again in my memories and pictures overwhelming.
A hand pressed against my shoulder and I looked up to see Danny, his face lined with grief, “If you ever need anything you call me, okay?”
I nodded, “I will.”
He gave my shoulder one last squeeze then walked away, leaving me alone to face reality.
Without Jonathan.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's saying he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
I finished packing the last of my things, making sure to label the boxes correctly. The house is bare now. No more pictures on the walls, the furniture has already been delivered, and all the memorable keepsakes have been boxed.
I can’t stay here for much longer; the military needs this house for another family, but more importantly I can’t stay here where I no longer have family close. So I’m going home, back to my parents’ place, until I find somewhere else for Dash and I to live.
I look down to see my spotted puppy staring up at me from his place on the floor, “Don’t worry, big guy. We’ll figure it out.”
He’d been so good through all this, almost as if he knew things were now different.
Reaching down I hooked his leash, looping it around my wrist so that I could carry the box. Together we exited the empty house and walked to my car. After packing the box in the back I allowed Dash to jump into the front seat. Rounding the car I open my door, but before I slide in I take one last look at the house.
It’s hard to leave this place. This has been the only home I’ve shared with Jonathan; it’s filled with so many memories and love. It’s such an important part of my life, but it’s time to start a new chapter.
Even if I have to start it without Jonathan.
Oh, baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
Oh I'll never know
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's saying he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
Oh this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah
Yeah
All dressed in white
Goin’ to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
A six pence in her shoe
Somethin’ borrowed, somethin’ blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands
Dash launched himself at the door as the knock sounded through the house. I tried to grab him as he skidded past the couch, but was only able to graze my fingers against his soft coat. Shaking my head I walked at a more sedate pace. Named for his energetic tendencies to run anywhere and everywhere, Dash enthusiastically jumped at the door, barking and howling.
“Dash, quiet,” I commanded, walking to stand at his side.
Almost immediately the rather large puppy stopped barking, his howls turning into whispered whimpers.
“Good boy, now back.”
I pointed to the other side of the room, feeling quite proud when he took a few steps back.
“Ah, what a good boy! Now sit.”
I smiled as his butt plopped on the wood floor, “That ‘a boy,” pulling a treat from my pocket I toss it to him, turning the door knob as Dash snapped it up. When I pulled the door open my smile widened to see Master Sergeant Danny O’Connell standing in his formal clothing.
Danny and his wife Laura live in the house next to mine. We’ve all become good friends; close enough that I’ve felt comfortable to only address him by his rank when he’s wearing his uniform.
It’s odd that he’d come over dressed like this, but he probably just got home.
“Master Sergeant O’Connell, how are you today?”
His expression barely changed, his mouth forming into a small smile while his eyes looked empty, “I’ve had better days.”
I watched him swallow as his hands extracted a white envelope from his suit pocket, “I’m so sorry, Amanda.”
I frowned as I took the envelope, opening it and removing the plain single piece of paper. Unfolding the paper I see the Great Seal of the United States, the words ‘Department of the Army, Washington D.C.’ beneath it.
And under the date, in regular black ink, were the words from my nightmares.
Dear Mrs. Roberts,
The Department of the Army deeply regrets to inform you that your husband Private First Class, Jonathan Roberts, USA Army was killed in action in the performance of his duty and in the service of his country.
The Department extends to you its deepest sympathy in your great loss.
Sincerely,
General James K. Wilson
Chief of Army Personnel
No.
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, as tears gathered in my eyes and my shoulders shook. All I could think about was that this letter has to be wrong. Someone must have typed in the wrong name; Danny had to have delivered this to the wrong house.
“No!” I screamed as I dropped to my knees, sobs pouring from me as my tears dropped onto the paper.
I didn’t notice Danny kneel in front of me, his head down as he tried to hide his own tears, or Dash pressing against my side as he felt my pain, his cries blending with mine.
Oh, God, no.
Not him, not Jonathan.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's sayin’ he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
I smoothed the skirt on my black dress as I got out of the car, the black gloves on my hands soft against my skin. I swallowed against the lump in my throat and straightened the black net veil that fell from the lace circlet on my head, trying not to let my tears run my make-up. I doubt I’ll be able to control it for long; I haven’t been able to stop crying since I received the letter three days ago.
I’ve only been able to talk to my family once, only able to tell them the news before I broke down and couldn’t get anything more out. My mom, dad, and brother all flew in yesterday to help me cope and show their support.
I love them for that, but all I want right now is my Jonathan back.
Stepping onto the gravel path I slowly walk toward my family and friends who were sitting in the first two rows, the chairs lined up so that there was a walkway between the two sections. In front of the chairs was a wooden stand that would hold my husband’s casket.
Walking to the front I sat beside my mom, my chair situated at the end of the row closest to the path. I took a deep breath and turned to my mom and she placed her hand on my clenched ones.
She gave me a small smile, leaning over to kiss my cheek, “Stay strong, baby.”
I nodded, but couldn’t speak. The knot in my throat too tight to let anything more than grief filled cries pass. I twisted back in my seat as men in military formation marched from across the cemetery. They stopped a few yards from our group, lifting their trumpet high to play Taps as another group of military men carried my husband’s casket, an American flag draped over it.
Seeing the flag and the casket made me face the truth. I’ll never see Jonathan again, never hold him in my arms or hear his voice through the static of the satellite phone. I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer, my hand covering my mouth to hold in my sobs.
I watched as the men carefully place my husband’s casket on the stand, all but two of them stepping back and out of the way.
As the trumpeters continued to play their song the two soldiers began folding the flag, their moves pristine and structured. When they finished folding the flag they placed it in Master Sergeant O’Connell’s hands. I swallowed as he turned and walked up to me, kneeling at my side.
“Private First Class Jonathan Roberts loved to serve his country. He found joy every time he completed a mission successfully. He was a great soldier and would have made it far. I, and all of America, am sorry for your loss.”
He placed the flag in my lap , his hands grasping mine tightly, “Private First Class Roberts will not be forgotten.”
I whispered a small thank you as he stood and walked away to join the other soldiers in formation. Once he was back in line another group of soldiers raised their guns, shooting off the last tribute.
The preacher man said "Let us bow our heads and pray,
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt"
Then the congregation all stood up and sang
The saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh and what could've been
Then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
I watched silently as the soldiers lowered my husband into the ground. They moved slowly, their motions synchronized. I gripped my mother’s hand, pulling my strength from her. Everyone was silent, the trumpet players at ease to show their respect.
My breath hitched as the casket hit the bottom; the sound it made seeming so loud that my body jerked. I could feel where my make-up had stiffened from my tears; imagined the black lines trailing down.
Everyone stood, signaling the end of the ceremony. The soldiers stepped back and allowed all the civilians to walk by, each one stopping at Jonathan’s site for a last farewell. I stayed back, waiting until everyone was able to say good-bye before I walked forward.
The grave seemed so deep, the dark mahogany of the casket almost blending in with the moist ground. Jonathan’s name and rank were etched into the wood in gold, the Great Seal of the United States situated just above it.
His head stone was beautiful, the Great Seal, his name, and his rank on that as well. Beneath all that his picture was carved into the stone. My heart clenched tighter when I saw it, the pain of knowing I will only see him again in my memories and pictures overwhelming.
A hand pressed against my shoulder and I looked up to see Danny, his face lined with grief, “If you ever need anything you call me, okay?”
I nodded, “I will.”
He gave my shoulder one last squeeze then walked away, leaving me alone to face reality.
Without Jonathan.
Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's saying he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
I finished packing the last of my things, making sure to label the boxes correctly. The house is bare now. No more pictures on the walls, the furniture has already been delivered, and all the memorable keepsakes have been boxed.
I can’t stay here for much longer; the military needs this house for another family, but more importantly I can’t stay here where I no longer have family close. So I’m going home, back to my parents’ place, until I find somewhere else for Dash and I to live.
I look down to see my spotted puppy staring up at me from his place on the floor, “Don’t worry, big guy. We’ll figure it out.”
He’d been so good through all this, almost as if he knew things were now different.
Reaching down I hooked his leash, looping it around my wrist so that I could carry the box. Together we exited the empty house and walked to my car. After packing the box in the back I allowed Dash to jump into the front seat. Rounding the car I open my door, but before I slide in I take one last look at the house.
It’s hard to leave this place. This has been the only home I’ve shared with Jonathan; it’s filled with so many memories and love. It’s such an important part of my life, but it’s time to start a new chapter.
Even if I have to start it without Jonathan.
Oh, baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was countin’ on forever
Now I'll never know
Oh I'll never know
It's like I'm lookin’ from a distance
Standin’ in the background
Everybody's saying he's not comin’ home now
This can't be happenin’ to me
This is just a dream
Oh this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah
Yeah
♠ ♠ ♠
When you stop the song video at 3:20 you will be able to read the letter that's handed to Carrie Underwood. I copied that letter word for word. It's also where I got Jonathan's name and rank.I do not have a family member in the army so I don't know what their funerals are like. This is just how I imagine it would be like.
I also just want to give thanks to those who serve and protect our Country. I also want to thank the soldiers family and loved one for sharing them with us. You're all brave, courageous, and heroes in my eyes.