Tattoo

“You’re late.”

“Yeah.” I murmured, slipping my shoes off next to the door and looking up at my mum who was standing in the kitchen door-way, cucumber in one hand.

“Are you alright honey?” She asked with a soft smile, her eyes wide in the pity sort of way. It made me want to crack, but I wouldn’t- I’d done enough to her already. More than she deserved, hell, she didn’t deserve half the things I’d done to her.

She may not be my real mum, but she was a big part of my life. She could have thrown me out when Dad left, and Dad would have come back. But she didn’t, Dad didn’t come back. She chose me instead. Me and my fucked up mind.

She should have chosen dad.

“Yeah, I’m fine mum” I muttered softy, pushing a small grin her way before slipping upstairs on light feet.

I want to fucking smash something up.

My hands strayed to my face as I collapsed on the floor. I’m surprised they weren’t cracked from all the pulling, the muscles felt strained and I really didn’t think I could move them.

I let my hands fall down from my cheeks to my arms, subconsciously tracing the scars lining my arms. I knew exactly why each one was there. I couldn’t forget; I wouldn’t forget.

Hey miss murder can I
Hey miss murder can I
Make beauty stay if I-

Kaitlin. I didn’t want to talk to her. She would just go on as usual about meeting some cute guy- I mean, it was nice she could get someone, because she was so pretty and nice and didn’t get told that often, but I knew the moment she got someone, I would be kicked out the picture. God I was so fucking selfish, but I didn’t want her to leave me. She may not know everything about me, and now and then I take the fact she always comes back for granted, but she was a part of my life.

I didn’t want her to leave.

Jealously is so stupid.

Humans were pointless creatures, sometimes.

“Jasper, darling, dinner.” I turned round, dropping the phone to the ground and faced my mum, stood at the doorway.

“I ate at Kaitlin’s.” A lie I was so used to saying.

“Actually- I just checked, Kaitlin’s at Josh’s tonight.” I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to say anything. She knew I had lied, I knew I lied.

She came further into the room and sat down in front of me, I looked at the floor to my left, completely aware my sleeves were pushed up. I itched to push them down, but I knew that would only draw attention to the area.

She’d take me away, if she knew.

“Why don’t you want to eat love?” Silence. It stretched out as my mind tried its best to come up with an excuse- anything that would explain why I lied. Nothing she would take.

“I’ll be down in a minute mum.” I told her, I tried to smile. She smiled warmly at me, getting up from the floor slowly.

“You know I love you Jasper.” I heard her feet descending the staircase.

“Yeah,” I whispered into the silence “I know.”



“That’s really good Jasper” Murmured Kaitlin, leaning towards me over my picture, her hand lying gently on the edge of the paper.

God why I can’t draw.

“Thanks Kaitlin. Yours is so much better.” I answered, glancing at her professionally drawn picture with envy- why couldn’t I be happy for her? She laughed and smiled

“Thanks Jasper- but really, yours is amazing, it looks like real life.” Yeah. In grey pencil. I nodded towards Kaitlin anyway, indicating a thanks.

I ran my tongue over my teeth, looking down at my piece of work while trying not to think of what I did last night. What I’d done every night for two weeks. I massaged my temple with one hand, still staring down at my picture, the image slightly blocked out by strands of blonde hair dangling over my vision.

I mean, it was low. What I’d done. Really low. It’s the sort of thing people accuse those really thin blonde girls of doing- they say it like it’s a bad thing. It is. But it’s a condition- when it gets bad.

It’s not too bad with me. Only two weeks. Not a condition. I think.

Still, it’d never tell anyone. Image someone knowing something like that. They’d think so low of you, they’d be disgusted. Mankind isn’t understanding at the best of times.

Even Kaitlin wouldn’t understand.

The bell rang and Kaitlin sprang up, grabbing my work and packing my things away for me while talking non-stop- it was a habit she had picked up and pulled out of the hat whenever she sensed I was in an odd mood. I was grateful for that, it saved me from blanking out half way through an activity, or having to actually concentrate on a conversation.

“Come on Jasper, you got work to get to.” Kaitlin informed me, dragging me up from my chair and from the art room with the rest of the students. I opened my eyes a bit wider and followed her out into the corridors as her grip loosened.

Work.