Tired n' Lonely
14
I sat staring at the wall until everything became an incomprehensible blur. I wished I could go with him, but he probably wanted to be alone right now.
"I'm sorry, mom."
I jumped, everything coming back into focus and I realised that my daughter had sat down at the dining table, opposite me.
"Why?"
"For yesterday - we were out of order."
"It's fine. I was stupid to think of leaving this place."
"Did... did something happen? I'll fucking kill that bastard if he's hurt you again, I swear to God, I'll..."
"...Jade, Paul died. Joey got a call an hour ago. He's sorting out a flight back to Iowa now."
"I'm sorry."
She stood up and left me alone, again.
I was grateful for the peace and solitude, in some ways, but I was left with my thoughts again.
I didn't really know what to think about. My thoughts were trapped between the future I wanted and the pain I was feeling for the man I desperately loved.
At the same time my childrens words had really hit me hard - desperately loved was probably the right phrase. I was just a desperate lonely woman searching for the love I never had when my children were growing up, in their eyes.
They had loved Joey like an Uncle when they were growing up, I didn't understand why he was suddenly such a villain in their eyes.
I suppose I could see their point - he had hurt me badly, but I didn't for one second think he would do it again. Things were different now, weren't they?
My thoughts moved on, to the night nearly 20 years ago when I had found out Joey was doing cocaine. Perhaps we were too different, even now. People don't change. Joey still had his music, and I still ha my kids - we would never work out.
I stood up, intending to make myself a cup of coffee, but I froze when I saw Joey in the doorway to the kitchen.
"Are you OK?" He was silent,"Sorry, that was a stupid question." I looked at the floor, nervously.
"I'm going to come back , Nicky. I want to be with you. Remember what I said in the record shop?"
"No."
"Thats a lie and you know it. I said that love like we have doesn't come around more than once in a lifetime. I said we nearly lost this chance and I wasn't willing to lose it again."
"You said you sure as Hell wouldn't fuck it up this time."
"So you did remember."
I blushed. I would never forget that night. It felt like a dream. I still wasn't convinced it had been real.
"I love you." He kissed my cheek, and on impulse I grabbed his hands in mine and pulled him close to me. He buried his face into my shoulder and I felt him clasp my hands tight, trying to hold back his grief. The years had not been kind to him, but he still looked as young as he had when we first met.
"I love you too, Mr.Rockstar."
"I'm sorry, mom."
I jumped, everything coming back into focus and I realised that my daughter had sat down at the dining table, opposite me.
"Why?"
"For yesterday - we were out of order."
"It's fine. I was stupid to think of leaving this place."
"Did... did something happen? I'll fucking kill that bastard if he's hurt you again, I swear to God, I'll..."
"...Jade, Paul died. Joey got a call an hour ago. He's sorting out a flight back to Iowa now."
"I'm sorry."
She stood up and left me alone, again.
I was grateful for the peace and solitude, in some ways, but I was left with my thoughts again.
I didn't really know what to think about. My thoughts were trapped between the future I wanted and the pain I was feeling for the man I desperately loved.
At the same time my childrens words had really hit me hard - desperately loved was probably the right phrase. I was just a desperate lonely woman searching for the love I never had when my children were growing up, in their eyes.
They had loved Joey like an Uncle when they were growing up, I didn't understand why he was suddenly such a villain in their eyes.
I suppose I could see their point - he had hurt me badly, but I didn't for one second think he would do it again. Things were different now, weren't they?
My thoughts moved on, to the night nearly 20 years ago when I had found out Joey was doing cocaine. Perhaps we were too different, even now. People don't change. Joey still had his music, and I still ha my kids - we would never work out.
I stood up, intending to make myself a cup of coffee, but I froze when I saw Joey in the doorway to the kitchen.
"Are you OK?" He was silent,"Sorry, that was a stupid question." I looked at the floor, nervously.
"I'm going to come back , Nicky. I want to be with you. Remember what I said in the record shop?"
"No."
"Thats a lie and you know it. I said that love like we have doesn't come around more than once in a lifetime. I said we nearly lost this chance and I wasn't willing to lose it again."
"You said you sure as Hell wouldn't fuck it up this time."
"So you did remember."
I blushed. I would never forget that night. It felt like a dream. I still wasn't convinced it had been real.
"I love you." He kissed my cheek, and on impulse I grabbed his hands in mine and pulled him close to me. He buried his face into my shoulder and I felt him clasp my hands tight, trying to hold back his grief. The years had not been kind to him, but he still looked as young as he had when we first met.
"I love you too, Mr.Rockstar."