Tired n' Lonely

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling of Joey's room. He was curled up asleepnext to meand I was scared to go to sleep incase he woke up in the night and needed me. His head wason my lap, and although I desperatey wanted to go for a walk I didn't want to move him. It had been hard enough for him to get to sleep.
I stroked his hair from his eyes and he made a noise in his sleep, confirming the fact I stood no chance at moving him without waking him up.
Eventually I managed to get myself to sleep, though I was sat up and it was not a deep sleep.
When the morning came round neither of us had moved. Joey was awake before me, but he stayed curled up on me,and I was greatful for it. I would have been worried if he was not there when I awoke.
I shifted him so I could move to a more comfortable position, and wrapped my arms around him. He closed his eyes, but I knew he wasnot sleeping. He was thinking. Or trying not to think. I knew what it was like - one moment desperately clinging to the last memories of a loved one, and the next trying your best to forget they even exsisted.
"Would you like to do something today?" I asked.
"No." I could barely hear his response, and it made me choke up to hear the grief in his voice. But what could I do?
I hoped that being here for him would be enough.
I held him closer to me, without realising it, and he opened his eyes. His piercing, haunting blue eyes, solemn and grief stricken. He looked beautiful - but so sad.
I kissed him - more like I would kiss my children than my lover-suddenly protective over him. He was my boy and I loved him, more than anything else. I wanted to protect him from this pain, take it all away.
We lay in silence, he clung to me as though he would slip away if he let go. I clung to him as though he would.
It was evening before he got up, properly. He was still wearing the black jeans and old band t-shirt he had slept in, and worn the day before. He slipped on a pair of shoes and motioned for me to do the same. I quickly changed, and sorted my appearance out so I was less scruffy, before following him downstairs.
He scooped up his keys from the side and we left the house. I had no idea where he wanted to go, but I trusted him. He had been my closest friend for so long - well, the closest who wasn't in prison, I mused.
He grabbed my hand and we walked, we walked for five or six miles, until finally we came to a graveyard. He pulled open the small rusty gate, and I followed him down the old dusty pathway.
After a while we came to a barren patch of grass and he sat down. I sat on the ground next to him and he leaned against me -his head rested on my shoulder. He worked his finers between my own so that our hands were entwined.
"Joey?"
"Yes?"
"Why are we here?"
"Because... this is my grave." He was silent for a moment, "I come here when I need to think things through." I didn't know what to say.
"I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I've decided something. I'm fed up of this. Of how my life is right now. I want you to marry me, Veronica. Move here, live with me, we'll do things properly this time. I want a family - I want you."
"Joey... I think you're a bit upset, you're probably just ..."
"I've wanted this for so long now. I spoke to Paul about it. He was so happy for me when I told him - he never thought I would settle down, and he knew how happy you made me."
We sat in silence for a while. I think it was sinking in, what he said.
It seemed so right, but still - I was worried he was letting his grief dictate his actions.
I didn't know what to say.
"It's not just for him, Nicky, it's just... I knew I was going to ask you, and I'd asked him to be my best man. He was so happy for him - I want to do this for him, as well as for us."
"Joey... I'd love to move here and live with you. I'd love to marry you - I really would... but my childen..."
He looked a little taken aback, as though he had forgotten about them.
"We can work it out, can't we? If we love each other. Do you love me, Nicky?"
"Joey, I can't even express how much I love you. You're my whole world, and if things had been different for me, I would have been over here in a heart beat - a long, long time ago, but..."
"There doesn't have to be a 'but' Nicky," He cut me off, and then kissed me, lightly, "we only live once. We don't live forever, and if we don't do this now,we might never. We love each other. Some people never find that. Be Crazy Nicky one more time for me? Please. What do you say?"
I kissed him, before standing up, and turning to walk away. I started down the path and he ran after me, tapping me on the shoulder. I turned to him,and despite every part of my brain telling me it was a bad idea, I followed my heart for the first time in my entire adult life, looked him in the eyes and said: "Just call my Crazy Nicky."
He smiled, that beautiful, bewitching smile, just for a second, before we started the treck back to his house in silence, to spend another difficult night tryig to overcome his loss.