Tired n' Lonely
20
I sat on the edge of the bed with my eyes fixed on the floor. The television was on but I had no idea what program it was. I couldn't cope with my thoughts, I wanted to escape from them, desparately.
I took a half empty packet of cigarettes from my pocket and lit one up. Joey was in the shower and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Besides, I needed this right now.
I turned to face the television, and started to watch whatever was on. It seemed to be some programme about ancient Egypt on history channel and I started to take an interest in it before I realized that I had been making a mental note to tell my son to watch it as he loved history.
I didn't know what to do with myself, so I turned away from the TV again intending to resume my original position, staring at the floor beside the bed.
It took me a second to realize Joey was stood watching me, dripping wet with a towel around his waist.
He was looking at me with a stern expression. "You're smoking."
It was the one thing he couldn't stand. Even when he was doing drugs and drinking every night he couldn't stand smoking.
"I think I earned it."
"It doesn't work that way. You think I earned he right to use coke again after Paul died?"
He was right, but I wouldn't admit it. I didn't have a chance to. He took the half smoked cigarette from me and put it out in the glass ash tray beside the bed.
I stayed transfixed by the floor - unwilling and unable to face talking to him about the things he was pushing me to talk about.
"It wasn't your fault, Veronica."
"Don't. Just... don't make me talk about it, not now."
I had always thought of him as my polar opposite. As we grew up together this seemed to play out with an unstoppable consistancy which left me stunned at times. Whenever I was free from responsibility he was shackled by it.
This seemed to have happened again recently. I was the big experienced "survivor" able to help hm out when he was grieving, until I became the one who was overcome by my grief, and he was the one who could push aside his personal problems to help me.
"I didn't think my life would be like this, when I walked into your shop all those years ago."
"Believe me I didn't think mine would work out this way, either."
"Would you change it, if you could?" I looked up at him and before I could answer he carried on, "I suppose that's a stupid question, really... of course you would."
"Would you?"
"I don't know. There are a lot of things which spring to mind, but I don't know if I would actually change anything."
"What would you change?"
"Paul. Not his death... well, yes, his death... but I'd stop him ever getting sucked into drug abuse. I mean... I know why I did it, but I can't understand why. That's what hurts more than anything. He's dead because of it and I really have no idea why he did it. He had everything , he had a family he had a kid on the way, he was finally starting to get back on the rails and then - then I get that phonecall which changes everything."
"I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't be. The more I think of it the more I realize - that wasn't who I was, that was me trying to fill in for something which was missing in my life. It's made me realize that stuff isn't missing anymore. I have you now."
"I'm your drug."
"No, not like that. Your my world and I have something to protect now, something to care for. I know, I had my family before, but it wasn't the same. My sisters' kids... I love them more than I thought was possible, they're like my own, but they have their dad to look out for them. Then all of a sudden I had you to look after and everything clicked into place. This is what has been missing from my life for ... not forever, but for the past decade or so. Ten years of wanting something and I had no idea what... I can see why I ended up the way I did. I'm so sorry about what happened to your family, Nicky, but I am there for you, and I will be no matter what."
I took a half empty packet of cigarettes from my pocket and lit one up. Joey was in the shower and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Besides, I needed this right now.
I turned to face the television, and started to watch whatever was on. It seemed to be some programme about ancient Egypt on history channel and I started to take an interest in it before I realized that I had been making a mental note to tell my son to watch it as he loved history.
I didn't know what to do with myself, so I turned away from the TV again intending to resume my original position, staring at the floor beside the bed.
It took me a second to realize Joey was stood watching me, dripping wet with a towel around his waist.
He was looking at me with a stern expression. "You're smoking."
It was the one thing he couldn't stand. Even when he was doing drugs and drinking every night he couldn't stand smoking.
"I think I earned it."
"It doesn't work that way. You think I earned he right to use coke again after Paul died?"
He was right, but I wouldn't admit it. I didn't have a chance to. He took the half smoked cigarette from me and put it out in the glass ash tray beside the bed.
I stayed transfixed by the floor - unwilling and unable to face talking to him about the things he was pushing me to talk about.
"It wasn't your fault, Veronica."
"Don't. Just... don't make me talk about it, not now."
I had always thought of him as my polar opposite. As we grew up together this seemed to play out with an unstoppable consistancy which left me stunned at times. Whenever I was free from responsibility he was shackled by it.
This seemed to have happened again recently. I was the big experienced "survivor" able to help hm out when he was grieving, until I became the one who was overcome by my grief, and he was the one who could push aside his personal problems to help me.
"I didn't think my life would be like this, when I walked into your shop all those years ago."
"Believe me I didn't think mine would work out this way, either."
"Would you change it, if you could?" I looked up at him and before I could answer he carried on, "I suppose that's a stupid question, really... of course you would."
"Would you?"
"I don't know. There are a lot of things which spring to mind, but I don't know if I would actually change anything."
"What would you change?"
"Paul. Not his death... well, yes, his death... but I'd stop him ever getting sucked into drug abuse. I mean... I know why I did it, but I can't understand why. That's what hurts more than anything. He's dead because of it and I really have no idea why he did it. He had everything , he had a family he had a kid on the way, he was finally starting to get back on the rails and then - then I get that phonecall which changes everything."
"I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't be. The more I think of it the more I realize - that wasn't who I was, that was me trying to fill in for something which was missing in my life. It's made me realize that stuff isn't missing anymore. I have you now."
"I'm your drug."
"No, not like that. Your my world and I have something to protect now, something to care for. I know, I had my family before, but it wasn't the same. My sisters' kids... I love them more than I thought was possible, they're like my own, but they have their dad to look out for them. Then all of a sudden I had you to look after and everything clicked into place. This is what has been missing from my life for ... not forever, but for the past decade or so. Ten years of wanting something and I had no idea what... I can see why I ended up the way I did. I'm so sorry about what happened to your family, Nicky, but I am there for you, and I will be no matter what."