Tired n' Lonely

It was wonderful being with Joey. Until he had to go home. Then I was left wondering when the next time I was even going to talk to him would be. The months passed by with an unsettling rapidity which left it harder and harder to see each other as Slipknot started to grow in popularity, and the demand for him to be in places other than here at the weekend grew.
Times changed. He changed. Something I had been terrified of, right from the start.
He didn't change, deep down, but after the first taste of fame had lost it's sweet and entrancing flavour he began to value his privacy far more than he would have guessed if he could have seen a glimpse of his future when we first met.
I think he found it a little hard to cope with the fact that, although none of them had ever even seen his face, he was now subject to adoration by a legion of young and beautiful female fans. It was sort of the opposite of slipknot was supposed to be. It was supposed to be about the music, and not the people behind it.
We dated for four long years, but the release of 'Slipknot' in 1999 led to an astronomically fast catapult to fame which left us in two very different places, and although we tried, by 2000 we knew it was time to call it a day.
We had started to argue, and it wasn't fair on either of us. Besides, now he was in such a famous band there was no way he would keep up a long distance relationship with a single mother of two.
We would though, we agreed, remain friends. We were too close to lose contact.
The funny thing was, after we split up we actually started to talk more.
The fact that we both had access to the internet now may have played a big role in that, as it meant that wherever he was in the world we could stay up for hours talking about old B-movies and new music we had found.
He would, once or twice a year, turn up at my house or my shop, utterly unexpected and we would spend the day together, just like we used to. I think he appreciated the normality, where as I appreciated the change from my routine.
My daughter was 12 now and she loved it when Joey came over. Slipknot were a household name right now and she would proudly show all her friends the picture of her mom and Joey which was on the living room table, or the kabuki mask he gave her which she had proudly displayed on her bedroom wall. Truthfully, I think she was more besotted with him than I had been.
But things changed, for him. As I gained more freedom as my children grew older, he lost his as Slipknot grew in popularity and left him completely unable of living an average life, something he valued when he was given the chance. After Iowa was released and there were arguments within the band he would visit me with ever more regularity, often spending days with me without ever leaving the house.
I loved to talk to him when he came over. I never asked about the band, or the fame, or the parties... I asked about how his mother was, what he thought of the new Japanese take away we had tried out... normal stuff. I could see how hard life was on him right now.
He announced, one day in late 2001 as we were sat eating pizza, that he had a new band.
“Oh?” I was curious... slipknot was his life. He had no time for another band, surely?
“Yeah... I've been meaning to get this off the ground for years now. It's a horror punk band, with Wednesday.”
I smiled “I remember him.” I said. Joey had kept his promise of a Frankenstein Drag Queens gig in Boston, and I was still in touch with Wednesday even now.
“It's not that I don't like Slipknot, you know... it's just... I need something new. This is getting to be a routine, and I want something different. Something where I can really cut loose on stage, y'know?”
“Yeah... I can appreciate that.”
“I knew you would understand.” He said, taking me into one of his amazing hugs. My heart fluttered, and just for a second I wanted to ask him if he would give us another shot. But I didn't.
He phoned me out of the blue a few months down the line, asking if he could stay with me for a week or two. I was happy to oblige. It turned out he was recording with his new band, and he spent most of the summer in Boston recording with them.
I will always look back fondly on those lazy summer days, spent sat in my garden with cold cans of beer or at the studio watching him and Wednesday record.
Of course, ineveitably, we grew inseparable during that time. It was almost impossible to resist getting back together. It was only when he asked me that we realised how silly the idea really was.
“Oh come on Mr. Rockstar... you're going to be touring with a glam band. I'm sure Nikki Sixx never had a lady dragging him down when he was on the road with crue... wouldn't have been the same if he did, huh?”
“I guess, Nicky... It's just... being with you feels different to my other relationships. Something really special. Like you're 'the one' or something...”
“Oh come on, Joey, you never believed in that soulmate crap before, why start now? You know it wouldn't work... besides, I know I love you, but I love you as a friend and I don't want to risk fucking that up.”
“I know, I know... you're my closest friend, Nix... I just... feel like we should be something more sometimes.”
“Me too... but not right now. Things wouldn't work out.” I opened up a fresh can of beer as I spoke, “Look... why don't we make a deal?”
“Go on...”
“If we're both single when we're thirty, we'll give it another shot.”
“Thirty isn't so far off now, babe. But if you're serious... I'll take you up on that deal.”
“Don't remind me. 3 whole years though... a lot can happen.”
Boy was I right. I was still single when I turned thirty. He wasn't. He was with her, and happier than he would ever have been with me, or so I thought.
She was all he ever talked about now. Abby. And it now he was settling down with her and Slipknot was active again... it felt like I had lost him forever, as a friend as well as a lover. He never called around any more... never rang me.. we spoke online, sometimes, but that was all. And so, I resigned myself to the fact I was just a footnote in his past and decided to move on with my life. It was only ever a stupid dream, anyway.
Of course, if I said I was over him, I was only kidding myself. I would have walked through fire in an instant to get things back to the way they used to be between us. Best friends, willing to do anything for one another and comfortable on a level I could not begin to put into words.
I just wished he still felt like that for me.
I suppose I had been naïve in thinking a rock star would remember someone like me when it came down to it.