For the Monsters that I've Been.

Contrary to Gerard's words of encouragement, Frank, it transpired, was not awake and waiting for Mikey when the latter re-entered the waiting room. And as the ever more irritated nurse alerted him after he inquired on Frank's condition every half hour over the course of three hours, visitors would only be allowed in at Frank's discretion regardless and considering that he had gotten his stomach pumped and would most likely wake up with tubes still down his throat from the charcoal treatment that was standard for an overdose, it was unlikely that he would want to see anyone immediately anyway. It was best, the nurse advised, that Mikey go home and get some rest and come back in the morning when Frank was sure to be more apt to accepting visitors.

It was to the nurse's displeasure, however, that Mikey took a seat at the back of the room and stared, eyes drooping from tired, at the television on the wall on which woman was explaining the side effects of the Mononucleosis virus. An animated list accompanied her voice as she explained the importance of proper treatment of the ailment as neglecting to fully do so had potential to lead to life-long, incurable illnesses such as Epstein–Barr disorder, on which she next elaborated.

Surely, Mikey thought as his attention dwindled from the program, this sort of thing was standard for a waiting room because this was most likely the only place beside schooling that people learned this sort of thing, but he could explicitly remember watching nothing else back in the old days when left alone by Gerard. This was the sort of thing that he thrived on when he used to be alone and able to pick what he wanted but it was only now that it was the only option for viewing that he realized how incredibly odd it was to have such an avid fascination for these sort of shows, though he couldn't help but miss them in any case.

But at the same time, even a small thing like television was difficult to admit to missing. It was embarrassing to think about because it was so heavily linked with his orders from Gerard and those, he thought savagely, he would never want back. The lifestyle was shameless and now that he looked back on it, embarrassing. The way that he had acted was how he had been taught at the time and what was expected of him, so he had never thought it to be wrong in any way, but in hindsight, it did seem incredibly naïve of him. It was as if some invisible curtain had been lifted and the stupid, childish nature of his past actions was only now obvious to him.

He wondered if that was how Frank felt when he was instructed to do things. He wondered if Frank felt humiliated or if, like Mikey, suppressed the thoughts because his master's satisfaction was consolation for his pride. Perhaps he too had exchanged his well-being for his superiors and found that direction from Mikey was the only sentiment necessary to follow and that his own thoughts, if any, were not remotely important anymore.

Or perhaps it was entirely different for Frank. Mikey had started serving Gerard at such a young age, after all, and was never given as much chance to gain self-sufficiency as Frank (who, of course, had reached adulthood long before meeting Mikey). Perhaps, for Frank, it was just something that he put up with not to get hit, or something that he sacrificed in order to satisfy Mikey, but still lurked at the back of his mind and wore on him. It seemed impractical to assume that Frank would think nothing of it; unlikely that he would have the ability to just simply forget to feel embarrassed when he was ordered to do things that any person would find demeaning or forget to feel spited when struck just for doing what he pleased.

Maybe, Mikey considered for the first time since he'd last seen Frank, the boy would not want to see him at all. Perhaps it was on his instruction that the nurses told Mikey to go home for the night, that he had been told that he had a visitor waiting for him and he had simply not wanted to see Mikey at all. This thought was daunting, and not only infuriated Mikey, but terrified him. The anger logically stemmed from the possibility of being blown off, and by all people, the one who was supposed to heed every command that Mikey gave him. However, the fear was slightly more crippling and much less obvious to explain.

Of course, even if Frank did not want him around, he could always find a way to force the boy to comply with orders: Gerard had done exactly that as a final attempt to keep Mikey subservient after all. But there was always the hatred of becoming his brother that Mikey fought, and beyond that, a nagging question in the back of his mind: did he really want to keep Frank bound to him if Frank did not want to be with him?

The answer that immediately came to his mind was no. Frank had always been complacent to him and had genuinely seemed to enjoy being around him regardless of how he was treated, but what if this was the final straw? What if landing him in the emergency room was too much for him to put up with? And hadn't the breaking point for Mikey's own attitude switch been not only watching Gerard touch Frank, but watching the latter enjoy it? Really, if he thought about it, the moment that things had really snapped for him was when he feared that Gerard was taking the one thing that he had for himself and when he'd thought that Frank was putting up no objection to this.

And he'd done all he really had to do to prove to himself that he feared losing Frank above anything else. He'd almost murdered the only other person who had really ever meant anything to him in fear that the boy preferred him instead. Surely, this was proof over anything that yes, Mikey did want to have Frank, even if Frank did not want to be with him. But he shouldn't want this, he knew, and it was another mark of how addled his mind was. How sick he really could be. And it was repulsive, disgusting, and simply wrong.

He would leave, he decided, in an hour, if Frank did not ask for him. And then an hour passed and he swore if not in another hour... but then another hour and after this next one- and but perhaps he was still sleeping, so it would be best to give him just one more hour... Then, finally, when the analog clock on the television's VCR read a quarter after eight in the morning, a fresh-faced nurse who seemed to be just starting her shift approached Mikey with a clipboard and cleared her throat, as her tennis shoes squeaked to a stop before him.

“Michael Way?”

“It's Mikey,” he answered rather tonelessly in reply, though his insides squirmed with anticipation of her news.

“Mikey, then,” she simpered, undeterred, “a patient, Frank Iero, has been asking for you and I understand you've been waiting to see him, so, if you'd just follow me...”

She turned on her heel as Mikey stood (his stomach in as excited of a knot as it could surely get) and lead him down the same sort of sterile hallway that he'd been down when he'd gone to see Gerard in such a similar situation. He could only find himself thankful that the two were in different wards. Being recognized as he frequented waiting rooms was not something that seemed in good taste, not if he wanted to avoid these accidents being noticed. He gladly took an unfamiliar route behind an unfamiliar nurse in exchange for this, hopefully, being the last time he visited anyone who he felt responsible for putting in a hospital again.

“Here we are,” announced the nurse as they stopped outside one of the many doors lining the hallway, “He's just inside there,” she said, indicating his specific door. She, like the nurse who had taken him to Gerard's hospital room, asked that he check out at the nurse's desk when he left and instructed that he not do anything to overexert Frank as he was still healing. She then wished him a nice visit and turned back the way that they'd come.

Not that Mikey noticed. His hand was turning the door knob before the nurse had taken more than a few steps and he had pushed the door open before she was more than a few feet away.

However, as he entered the room, the anxious knot in his stomach untwisted morosely as he observed Frank on a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV of fluids, his knees in his chest and his un-IVed arm wrapped around them. He seemed to be shaking slightly and as Mikey approached him, he turned his head to reveal eyes that were red and swollen from what must have been tears- the lines of which were still evident down his cheeks, though at least now, he appeared a bit happier at seeing that he had company.

“Mikey!” the boy winced as he attempted to move the arm that was hooked to his IV, then shivered, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. “I didn't think you'd come. Not after I ruined the show like that,” he wiped his eye with the back of his free hand, irritating the skin under it to become an even deeper red, “I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. I didn't mean for-”

“That's enough,” Mikey pushed Frank's hair back, letting his fingers rest behind the boy's neck. “It's not your fault. I'm just glad you're okay. I was worried about you.”

The words came easier than Mikey had expected, and they seemed to quell whatever anxiety Frank seemed to have, because the boy's posture untensed considerably and he now used his hand to pull on the hem of Mikey's t-shirt, to bring him closer. Mikey took this invitation and sat himself on Frank's hospital bed, a hand resting on the boy's knee.

“You were worried about me?” Frank sniffed as he put a hand over Mikey's.

“Of course I was,” Mikey did not even mind admitting it. This was the sort of thing that had drawn him so much to Frank in the first place- the open expression and never feeling embarrassed about what emotions he was feeling. He could freely admit weaknesses like these to Frank, even if it was difficult to admit them to himself, “you're everything to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.”

“You're too good to me,” Frank muttered, an understated sort of downcast inflection in his voice.

“Why would you say something like that?”

Frank sniffed again, then shook his head. His voice broke as he spoke next. “You should be mad at me,” he stated, “I ruined the show.”

“It doesn't matter,” Mikey retorted, “I don't care about the show. No one else is angry either. Not even Gerard.”

At this, Frank's body was tense again and without words, Mikey was sure that he knew why. A burning in the pit of his stomach made him feel even more horrible about the time that he'd spent alone with Gerard. He was sure that Frank would mention this slip up, perhaps in enraged tones, and it would be hard to find reasoning against his anger, however, Frank simply shivered, his voice becoming quieter than ever as he let out a simple, toneless, 'oh.'

Mikey didn't say anything for a few moments. Instead, he looked down to his hand which lay on the boy's knee and sighed.

“I'm going to throw the pills away,” he stated finally.

“What!?” Frank exclaimed, nearly scandalized. His head jerked quickly to look up to Mikey, as if checking his face for a laugh or some sign that he was joking. When he saw none, he continued, brow furrowed. “That's not fair, I didn't mean to-”

“They're not good for you,” Mikey explained.

“I don't care if they aren't,” persisted Frank, “you can't just-”

“I said no.” Mikey said sternly. That seemed to be the end of it, as Frank did not have a reply, but he felt the need to explain further, “And it's not a punishment, so I wish you'd stop acting like it is. It's not because you did something wrong. I made a mistake giving them to you. I didn't realize what they would do to you.”

“I don't care what they do to me,” Frank sighed. He looked back to the opposite wall, his eyes unfocused slightly, “I still like them. They make everything so... I don't know. Everything's so much better on Adderall. I can pay attention so much better. I can listen to you better. I'm better on them. I like being on them. I'll do whatever you say, I swear. You can get rid of the Ambien if you need to. I like them, but I'm sure I'd get to sleep without them after a while. Just let me keep the Adderall, Mikey. Please? I'll do anything.”

Frank was panting slightly as he finished. Mikey could feel his body shiver beside him. These pills, Gerard had said, would help him get his revenge on Frank. Mikey had never understood what it had really meant until now. He looked to Frank's heaving chest and his overly-wide eyes. Were these withdrawals the revenge that Gerard had been planning for Frank all along? He could only hope not. Supplying them to Mikey to give him an edge over Frank was one thing, but intentionally causing this sort of addiction and subsequent withdrawal was the same sort of sick that he'd always known his brother to be.

Regardless of Gerard's intent, it was clear that this could not be tolerated. It would be stopped. But before Mikey could say a word against this idea, there was a light rap on wood and the door to the hallway opened. The nurse from before stood in the doorway, her clipboard in hand. She addressed Frank first.

“Sorry to interrupt, but your mother's in the waiting room to see you, Mister Iero, and I'm afraid hospital policy is one visitor at a time so,” she turned her attention to Mikey, addressing him with her cordial, but very straightforward tone, “if you could wait outside, at least until she'd done visiting-”

“I don't want him to go,” Frank said hotly, grabbing the hand that Mikey was about to take off of his knee. But Mikey was too numb with panic to even comprehend the action.

Frank's mother... how in the hell she was even alerted on her son's hospitalization was beyond Mikey, but the surprise of it was startling. The thought of something pertaining to Frank that he couldn't control was baffling.

“Hospital policy states-”

But nevermind that now. How much did she know? And how much would Frank tell her if they were alone together? Would he tell? He'd surely proven his loyalty up until this point...

“I'll go home then,” he interrupted. “I don't really need to be here anyway, I'm fine now.”

Regardless, he had to prevent her finding out too much. Something in the back of Mikey's mind seemed adamant on this. It was the same something that prickled in his head and urged that his and Frank's relationship was not publicly acceptable and Frank's mother would surely look to separate him from the man who routinely strike him and even land him in the hospital.

“I'm afraid,” said the nurse, her professional manner dropping slightly as she raised her eyebrows, “that we still have tests to run to determine whether or not you're in a fit state to leave. In the meantime, you do not have to accept any visitors that you do not wish to see, however, as you're a dependent under her insurance, we were obligated to inform her-”

So it was critical, Mikey told himself, that she did not even suspect any foul play in Frank's stay at the hospital. Frank would have to let her visit. Not doing so would raise suspicion. She must think that he was there under nobody's fault.

“It's fine.” To Frank's clear displeasure, Mikey pulled his hand back and stood, “I'll wait outside. You should see your mom, Frank.”

“But I don't want you to-”

“He'll be just outside the door, dear,” pressed the nurse, “I'll just go get her while you two finish up.”

She gave Mikey a pointed look and then closed the door behind her. He waited until he heard her footsteps disappear down the hall before he turned back to Frank. He sat on the edge of his bed again, leaning close as he instructed the boy quietly, “You have to lie to her.”

“Lie to her? About-”

“You can't let her know that you overdosed,” Mikey explained. “Tell her they're running tests. You're not sure what's wrong. You just fainted on stage, but don't let her know that you OD-ed.”

It was a mark of Frank's blind obedience that he nodded, accepting these commands without question. “Okay,” he said simply.

“If they've already told her, lie. I don't know. Make something up. But ODing looks suspicious. It's attention that we don't need to draw from any more people.”

“Okay,” he said again

“Good boy,” Mikey murmured, he cupped Frank's face in his hand, while his brain turned over countless outcomes of their situation. “And I need you to do one more thing for me.”

“Anything,” said Frank, he watched Mikey intently, hanging on his every word.

“When she leaves, I'm going to tell the nurse that you asked to see her. You need to do whatever you can to make it so that you and I are the only two people who your medical information is released to from now on. Can you do that?”

Frank nodded and Mikey felt him smile against his hand, “I will, I promise.”

“Good boy,” Mikey repeated, and he closed the distance between his and Frank's lips, which he felt move against his slowly, as though savoring the feeling.

Mikey would have preferred (and he was sure that Frank would, too) that this could have lasted longer, but sooner than either would have liked, there was another soft knock at the door and Mikey pulled back and with a regretful look to Frank, stood as the nurse, accompanied by a rather short woman with mousey hair entered the room. He gave her a polite smile and greeted her with a soft 'hello' before passed her to wait in the hallway where he stood at the edge of Frank's door, his ears straining to hear every sound coming from the room as he observed the nurse leave for the third time.