Breaking Their Hold

I whipped my car into their driveway, killed the engine, and scrambled out. There they were, emerging from the black car. Matt and Jimmy were talking quietly. They both looked up at the sound of my keys jingling. Letting out a happy squeal, I threw myself at Matt. He staggered back as I hit him round the middle.

"Damn, girl!" He laughed and picked me up. "Hey, guys, I think she missed us!"

"We missed you, too, sunshine," Jimmy said, lifting a bag out of the trunk.

"Speak for yourself," Zacky muttered.

"Y'all couldn't have forgotten him or, I don't know, tossed him out of the plane at about twenty-thousand feet?" I stage-whispered to Matt.

Matt and Jimmy chuckled. Sneering, Zacky flipped me off.

Brian emerged from the backseat. His hair was mussed; he had some stubble on his chin, and he was wearing sunglasses.

Matt saw where my attention was and set me down. I walked over to Brian. Without a word, he pulled me into his arms. He smelled strongly of cigarettes and faintly of booze. I noticed Matt and Jimmy exchange a grim glance.

"Matt, you'd better be glad my eyebrow grew back before school tomorrow," Johnny was saying as he climbed out of the car.

I wanted to be amused, but worry kept my mood solemn. Brian was still holding me, his chin resting on top of my head. With Johnny still talking, the others filed inside.

"Bri?" I said softly.

"What, beautiful?"

"Are you okay?"

"Of course. I just missed you. A lot."

I hugged him a little tighter. "I missed you, too."

"I got you something."

I drew back enough to look up into his face. "What?"

He let go of me and went back to the car. He returned seconds later with two posters. I didn't have to open them to know what they were. "Bri, you shouldn't—"

"Don't say it," he interrupted, placing one finger against my lips. "I wanted to."

I nodded. He dropped his hand and dug out a pack of cigarettes.

"Bri."

He lifted his eyebrows questioningly.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

He flashed a grin that was only a ghost of the one I'd grown to love. "I'm positive."

*****

We fell back into our lives, things the way they'd been just before the guys' trip to California. The only difference was Brian. On the outside, he acted the same. But there was always an underlying sadness. I knew something had happened in California, and I tried to get Matt or Jimmy to tell me what that something was. They refused.

And so it went until Valentine's Day. I got to school that morning to find my locker full of red roses and candy.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Jaimi and Tori enthused.

"All of this is from you two?" I asked, surprised.

"We did the candy," Jaimi said. "The roses are from—"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Jordan!" Tyler sauntered into view from the direction of the break area.

I forced a smile. "Thanks, Tyler. I love the roses. They're beautiful."

"You're welcome."

I shifted the roses to get to my books. Something black was resting between two of my folders. Making sure my friends weren't paying attention, I picked it up. It was a black rose, covered in crimson glitter. I couldn't stop my smile. Pulling my pre-calculus book out, I slammed my locker shut and breezed to the classroom.

Seventh period seemed to last forever. The new guys weren't there, but I knew they'd be waiting for me outside. I found them behind the field house. We'd been meeting there to ensure that no one saw us together. I ran forward and jumped on Matt. "Thank you!"

He chuckled. "You're welcome."

It was then that I noticed only four of them were there. "Where's Bri?"

"He's behind the Home Ec building," Jimmy answered. "On the phone with Brent."

"Who's Brent?"

"His older brother."

"Oh." I sat on the ground.

"So," Matt said, leaning against the field house. "Who's taking you out for Valentine's Day?"

"No one."

"Seriously? But I thought the Homecoming Queen always has a date for special events."

"Not this year," I said. "This year I'm staying at home with a box of chocolates and a movie. You guys wanna come over? My parents won't be there."

Brian came around the side of the building.

"Your parents celebrate Valentine's Day after all this time?" Johnny questioned, sounding amazed.

"Yeah. Dad always acts like he forgets that it's Valentine's Day, then he comes home from work early and takes Mom to dinner. It's really sweet." I glanced over at Brian. His jaw was clenched and he was staring off towards the road. "Bri?"

He didn't react at all. I tugged on the bottom of his shirt. "Brian?"

He blinked and looked at me. "Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

He took a step away from me, placing himself out of my reach. "Why do you care?"

I was startled by his sudden defensiveness. "You're my friend, Bri. I—"

"No!" he snarled. "I'm not. We're not your fucking charity case, Jordan. We don't need you to take pity on us. Just go back to your perfect life with your perfect friends and your perfect family and leave us the hell alone!" He stalked off in the direction of the parking lot.

Zacky's eyes met mine briefly before he hurried after Brian. I stared after them in stunned silence for a long moment, then looked at Matt. "What did I do?"

Matt shrugged. "Dunno."

"Matt, seriously, what'd I do?"

"Jordan, seriously, I don't know."

I got to my feet and practically ran to the parking lot. Brian was slumped against their car, smoking a cigarette. Zacky was standing in front of him, talking rapidly in a low voice.

"Bri!"

Zacky immediately faced me. "Are you fucking deaf? He doesn't want to talk to you."

"Bri, please..." I attempted to get around Zacky, but he blocked my path.

"No, Jordan. He's done. He wants you out of his life."

"But--"

"You're not my friend," Brian cut in suddenly. "You never were."

Tears stung my eyes. "How can you say that?"

"You were fucking ashamed of us, you stupid bitch!" Zacky yelled.

I flinched away from his rage, eyes wide.

Zacky took a deep breath, visibly trying to calm down. "Unless you're willing to claim us, you need to fucking leave."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," Zacky said, eyes fixed unwaveringly on mine. "Come into school and come straight to us, in front of everyone. Let them know where you've really been when you've missed all those get-togethers and practices."

"It's only fair," came Matt's voice behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder. Matt, Jimmy, and Johnny were standing a few feet away, listening.

"If we're really your friends, you shouldn't be ashamed of us," Matt reasoned.

I didn't know what to say. How could they ask me to do this? I didn't want to lose them, but was I really willing to go this far?

Frowning, I turned and walked briskly towards my car.

"See you tomorrow!" Zacky called after me.

I ignored him, climbed into my car, and drove off, mind racing.

*****

I pulled into my usual parking space and killed the engine. Hands still gripping the steering wheel, I stared straight ahead, listening to the engine tick as it cooled. Every particle of my being longed to go back home and hide under my blankets. Today was the day, and I still hadn't made up my mind.

All night, I'd gone over all the reasons to just do it. The new guys made me happy. They made me feel like a person, not just an image to be envied and hated. And, to be completely honest, Brian was a major reason to "go over to the dark side." I was extremely attracted to him and if I ever wanted my shot at him, I'd have to shed the popular persona and become...

Myself.

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on my hands, still clutching the steering wheel as if it were a lifeline. It was scary. Throwing away everything I'd struggled for and finally achieved this close to the end. And for what? So I could spend the final three months of my high school career as an outcast? Someone to be mocked and teased and shunned by those that I'd once considered my friends.

With a long exhalation, I grabbed my purse and climbed out of my car. My heart was racing and my stomach was in knots. I walked inside, slightly panicked. I needed to decide. Immediately.

I rounded the corner into the main hallway. My eyes sought out the new guys without any conscious effort. They were gathered at the lockers across from Coach Linderman's classroom. Johnny, Jimmy, Matt, and Zacky were talking. Brian was slumped against the bank of lockers, arms crossed over his chest, face fixed in a scowl. Zacky looked up. He caught my eye and his emerald gaze was challenging.

I glanced towards the far end of the hallway. My friends were standing at their lockers. They were laughing at a story Evan and Sam were telling. All except Tyler. He wasn't even listening to Evan and Sam. He was watching me, almost as if he knew about the war raging within me.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't start over this close to graduation and have all my hard work mean nothing. So, hating myself, I breezed past the new guys and joined my clique.

I felt the repercussions the rest of the day. Zacky was positively gloating. He'd been right, and I don't think I'd ever seen him so happy in all the time I'd known him. Johnny and Jimmy had gone back to pretending I was invisible. Matt glowered at me every chance he got. And Brian...well, he seemed too immersed in his own problems to even worry about the choice I'd made.

The instant the bell rang at the end of the day, I hurried to the locker room. I quickly changed out of my gym clothes and slipped through the side exit. I saw them crossing the parking lot. Matt had the keys in his hand. They obviously weren't waiting for me today.

Do I really expect them to act like nothing's changed? I wondered.

"Guys!" I called, breaking into a run. "Wait!"

I reached the parking lot and only Zacky had stopped walking. The others were already disappearing inside the car.

"Please, let me explain."

Zacky stepped to me. "They don't want to hear it."

"Matt! Jimmy....please." I attempted to get around Zacky. "Bri...Bri, please, just listen!"

My breath left me in a gasp as Zacky gripped my arms and slammed me into the side of the truck parked beside their car. "You made your choice," he said loudly. "Leave us alone."

Then he leaned very close. "Ya know, you could still come see me for some..." he trailed off, pressing his body against mine. "...extracurricular activities."

I stared at him, not wanting to believe he was doing this. "What?"

"Did you never think that maybe Jimmy was right?" he whispered, lips brushing my ear. "Maybe I don't hate you. Maybe I'm just frustrated. The sexual tension gets to me and I lash out."

"You treated me like shit because I don't want to fuck you?"

"I don't take rejection very well," he said seriously.

"But I never--" I started to protest.

"You didn't have to," he interrupted. "But if you've changed your mind...?"

I gave him my most acidic glare. "In your wet dreams."

He laughed softly. "Oh, believe me, you've starred in a few of those. I'll see you around, sweetheart." He released his hold on my arms and squeezed into the backseat of the idling car with Johnny and Jimmy.