Find Your Love

He never regretted the decision he made a few hours ago. Never. But he couldn’t help but to think on it. What if there was something more? What if he could change her? What if he just never met her and he didn’t have to worry about the possible consequences of decisions that will never happen. Even when he thought about the millions of different outcomes that came with each million of different things he could have done, he still would have chosen what he did in the first place. So why didn’t he feel accomplished?

Her laugh rang through his head, her French-Canadian accent rolling of her tongue. It wasn’t like the first time he heard her laugh, that thing that sparked his instant attraction to the petite Montreal native. That laugh was airy, full of life and just living young and living to have fun. This laugh that he heard now was mocking him. Mocking his decision to not give them a chance. But honestly, none of his friends blamed him.

He knew that he would never forget her and that the moment he laid eyes on her, he refused to be forgotten. To be the one that she would remember. He hoped for that. He hoped that she would remember him and that it would haunt her dreams.

But her dreams weren’t the only ones being haunted. He didn’t want to sleep because he feared that, to a certain degree. Stay awake thinking about what happened and what she did was no better than a restless night with nightmares dancing in his mind as if they were a part of a ballet.

This ballet was quick. Fast, sharp movements. Jeté battues across his brain, causing a splitting headache. Rubbing his temple in a soothing motion, he left the bunk he was almost lifelessly lying in to find some aspirin.

He put the required two little white pills in his calloused hands. Two for the headache , throwing his head back and talking a sip of warm water from one of the many plastic water bottles lazing around the RV. Two for the heartache , putting two more pills in his hands and in a sling shot like motion, they were down his throat. He would take a broken bone over a broken heart any day.

He gripped onto the above cupboards as the RV hit a pot hole in the highway.

“Sorry everyone!” Vic shouted from the driver’s seat, groans from the several other men omitting from the bunk area.

He took a seat on the couch, staring at his thumbs in his lap. Tapping them against his knee passed the time and took his mind off of the situation as he tried to keep a steady beat, but Vic would hit another pot hole and he would lose track, forcing himself to think back on her.

Sébastienne.

It was such a beautiful name. It had endless limitations, even without a face behind the name. A face with a gentle smile that at times looked it belonged on the face of someone who was socially awkward but it was on her face. And when she smiled, her cheeks turned into little balls, resembling that of a chipmunk.

He tried to hide the smile creeping onto his face, but his dimples still showed. A dead giveaway. Everything about her seemed so perfect, even with her imperfections, but that is what made her beautiful. You must destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful. And she destroyed many things, majority of them never became beautiful.

He regained the beat he was previously tapping his thumbs too. That is, until someone interrupted him.

“What are you still doing awake?” asked his band’s guitar tech, Johnny. He was a nice guy, almost seemed like a father to the guys on tour, but the type of father that wanted you to get drunk of your ass and flirt with girls with everything in the right places.

He just nodded. Nothing more. Just a simple nod, with a sweet sadness in his eyes.

“Alright,” he sighed, walking towards the driver’s seat of the RV.

A few seconds later, the RV pulled over to the side of the road so Johnny could take the driver’s seat away from Vic. He took the opportunity to go outside for a minute to get fresh air, hoping that would clear his mind instead of the smell of tobacco, cologne and weed that surfaced from the cushions and pillows anytime you applied weight on them.

“We don’t blame you for what you did,” Vic said to him, as he stood in the doorway of the RV. Vic didn’t like the cold, so he stayed were he could still feel the warmth of the RV’s heater, “It’s not your fault, it’s hers.”

“I know but I don’t know,” he admitted, adjusting the hood of his jacket.

“Dude, how were you supposed to know that she had a boyfriend of two years? That she fucking lived with too. And she brings you home just for the night...” he trailed off, pausing, trying to think of the right words to say, but he didn't start speaking again.

What he said was true and it pained him. She brought him home, thinking he would have an amazing night with an amazing girl that he swore to God, in that moment, he was falling in love with. They were only interrupted by the boy she had been dating for two years. He watched, as if he were ghost, he watched them fight. The boy felt like an opinion to her when she was a priority. He watched these two people just crumble down like buildings in an earthquake, creating a pile of ash on the floor.

“Really Seb? Really? I can’t believe that you would do something like that!” the boy shouted at the girl.

“Jared, I swear it was only for a night,” Sébastienne told him.

Heart attack number one.

“One night, one year. I don’t care! Apparently time means nothing to you,” he stormed off, grabbing his melted snow covered coat off of the floor, “Enjoy the rest of the night with him.”

“He has a fucking name!” she shouted, “His name is Jaime!”

“So he does mean something to you?” Jared snapped.

“I never said that.”

Heart attack number two.

“And you never said it to me either. I thought that nothing would everytear us apart, but I didn’t know that you could do something like. I never thought it would be you who would tear us apart,” Jared finally left, leaving Jaime in utter shock.

“Only a night? Did I really mean nothing to you?” he asked the girl, quietly, he never got angry, “You told me the reason you invited me over is because it felt ‘right’ being with me.”

“And I do! I never lied to you!” she said, trying to place her hands on his chest, but he stepped away from her delicate fingers.

“But you lied to him. Someone that trusted you,” he shouted, at least usually never got angry, “How the fuck am I supposed to trust you when you pull a stunt like that?”

She closed her eyes, a tear gliding down her cheek. A part of him wanted to brush it away and hold her close, but that part obviously had no authority in this situation.

“I’m not just going to take a number and wait for you; I’m not that type of guy.”

“Then what kind of guy are you? You seemed that the type of guy that would treat me right and treat me like I was a princess.”

“I’m not that guy, you had that guy but you fucked it up!” he said, “I’m the type of guy who leaves in a situation like this. I’m the type of guy who would spare themselves the heart break.” But he never did.

And with that, he left. He left her apartment.

He walked out of the building and noticed a slightly familiar figure sitting on a wooden bench outside. He swallowed his fear and took a seat.

“Hey,” Jaime spoke first, “Jared, right?”

“What do you want?” he spat.

“I’m sorry about what happened, and honestly, I took your lead,” he smiled lightly.

“She never did love herself, when she had all the reason to. I thought she loved me.”

“If you couldn’t find her love, then I’m not even going to waste my time,” Jaime confessed. And that was his final decision.

“Get in the RV,” Vic said, “We have to get driving if we want to make it to Toronto.”

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” Jaime walked towards the bus as Vic disappeared from the doorway.