Back to December

Slowly, Taylor reached out a tentative hand. Click. The video stopped, simultaneously halting the girl in the video, catching her in motion. He gaped at her, at the still, picturesque girl on his computer screen. She was staring out of a frost-tinted window, lost in thought, with her luminescent eyes in the color of cobalt and ice combined. Her lips were parted and her mouth was slightly open, because she had been singing; singing a song that was supposedly meant for him.

He could not watch any further of it. It hurt him, for many reasons. He was aware of that. It hurt to look at her, to watch her, to be reminded of what had been there between the two of them. It hurt to listen to the song; to hear the words – her words of apology and regret that pierced right through him like a dagger through his heart. It hurt, there was no doubting it.

But he could not bring himself to look away from her, not even a little bit.

It had been a long time since he had seen her. It was the hardest thing in the world to avoid seeing her, because she was so famous. Her face was everywhere; in magazines, billboards, commercials. She was inescapable, even for the average working man who had no interest in young, blonde country-pop stars.

Or at least, that’s what Taylor thought.

But, for the past year, he had been successful. He was careful not buy anymore magazines. He always looked down or the other way when he came across something – anything that involved her.

It’s quite childish, he had to admit. He knew that it was better to face your fears than to reject it.

Which is why he was here, sitting stiffly on a stool in his trailer, watching a music video of her – or rather, staring at a paused music video of her.

Difficult could not have described what it was like for him before he ordered himself to look at the video. He knew about the song, yes. He had been told about it when her album had been released. But he never dared to listen to it. And now, news reached him that there was a video.

Something had compelled him to watch it. Maybe it was sheer and outright curiosity. Maybe he wanted to get it over with, to see her, so he could let go of everything and start over. Maybe all his bottled up feelings wanted to burst out, and it was the only way to free all of them. Maybe he decided to stop being a coward. Maybe it was because, no matter how much he denied it, he missed her.

Still, it felt wrong for him to feel this way. It was such a long time ago, over a year now, in fact. And he has Lily now. They had met when they were filming a movie a few months ago, and they have been dating ever since.

Taylor felt a pang of guilt rush through him. Lily. He hadn’t talked to her all day, and he was pretty sure she was calling him right now… but he doesn’t know where his phone is.

Besides, while she was at home, he was on the set of Breaking Dawn. In the middle of a forest. Lily knew that. He’ll find his phone later when the day’s shooting is wrapped up.

“Taylor, you’re up in fifteen minutes,” said a woman’s voice from far behind him.

“Okay” was all he said as he waved his hand dismissively.

Sighing, he closed his laptop. What now? I watched the video. Well, half of it, anyway. I only feel worse now than ever before, he thought. Taylor looked at himself in the mirror he was facing and saw a lean young man with dark hair and tan skin. But his eyes were empty and bleak, and his face was emotionless.

“Something bothering you?”

Taylor jumped at the sound of the voice, even though it was all too familiar. Leaning languidly on the wall beside his dresser, holding a tumbler of what smelled like coffee, was Ashley Greene, in costume as Alice. She had probably just finished a scene.

He laughed, for the first time today. “You’re scary, you know that?”

“Well, I am a vampire,” she said, giving him a smirk. “You’re supposed to be scared of me.”

Taylor smiled sheepishly, but did not answer. He was glad she didn’t catch him watching the video… or did she?

“What’s wrong, Tay? You look… upset.” She scrunched her eyebrows together and narrowed her golden eyes, examining him. She still had her contacts on from her scene.

He merely shrugged. “Nothing. Everything’s fine.”

She raised a thin eyebrow, a look of utter suspicion. Under the bright fluorescent lights of his trailer and with her makeup, Ashley looked extremely pale, like a ghost.

“Seriously, Ash.” Taylor put both of his hands up, surrendering.

And then, she nodded imperceptibly, as if she understood everything.

“What?” Taylor asked, incredulous because of her sudden withdraw of curiosity. Ashley almost always prodded people on when she wanted an answer.

“You watched it.”

Dumfounded, he said, “Watched what?”

“The video,” she replied simply.

Taylor said nothing once more.

“You know, Back to December,” Ashley said. Taylor cringed at the sound of it.

There was no point in avoiding the subject now. “How did you know?”

She took a small sip from her mug. “Well, I didn’t know. I just guessed. Joe’s went on set with me today and on the way here he and I were talking about how you would react if ever you listen to the song or watch the video.” She took another sip.

Taylor scowled. Joe Jonas, Ashley’s current boyfriend, who also happens to be… her —Taylor’s ex- boyfriend, who also had a song written about him…, had talked about me? A brief memory had flashed in Taylor’s mind; of her sunshine blonde girls buried deep in his chest, of her slender body shaking and trembling along with the muffled sobs she was making… that night when she told Taylor all about Joe. He had despised him ever since. He almost went and made him pay, but she objected, saying that it was not worth it.

“What song?” said another voice from behind, interrupting his thoughts.

“Joe!” said Ashley, skipping toward him and giving him a kiss. Taylor looked away, awkwardly. Wasn’t he needed on set in a few minutes? But before he could stand up, Joe put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, man, how are you doing?” Joe said, as if they had been friends for ages.

“Good,” he replied briefly. “Listen, Ash, can I leave the two of you here? I’ve got a scene next.”

Ashley pouted. “But Tay —”

Just when he reached the door, Joe said, “Hey, Taylor. If you ever need a friend to talk to about this it’s me. I was on that boat too.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled barely audibly as he stepped outside, that he wasn’t sure he was heard. We’re not on the same boat, man, he thought, feeling the crisp winter air in his face. You broke up with her, not the other way around.