Past

He hadn’t asked him to, but when Ryan arrived at the airport he could see Pete watching for him. He almost wanted to try and avoid Pete seeing him—he didn’t know it, but by being here he was making leaving so much harder for Ryan.

Over the past few months the pair had been involved in a relationship that wasn’t even that. It was nothing. It was fun, something to do, a way to pass the time. They were friends—had been friends for a long time—but this other ‘relationship’ they had more recently formed had nothing to do with that.

Ryan knew that Pete was here at the airport to say goodbye as a friend which was something that he didn’t want. He had tried to be like Pete and not make more of a situation that was not supposed to be anything more than sex and heated make out sessions. But like most people who find themselves in Ryan’s spot, he had found himself thinking of Pete as his boyfriend on more than one occasion which was something he was not supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to combine Pete His Friend with Pete His Lover and see them as one significant person in his life. They were just friends when they went to movies or to dinner and they were only lovers when they were pressed close together in a sweaty heap on Pete’s bed.

Even though he had desperately wanted to try and avoid Pete he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that spread throughout his body at the fact that Pete was here—that he had managed to get here before Ryan just so that he could say bye and see him one more time.

“Hey,” Ryan said, smiling at Pete when he approached him. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

“I wouldn’t dare miss saying bye to you,” Pete said, smiling. “Your flight doesn’t leave for another hour, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I still have to go through security though and that’s gonna take some time.”

Pete nodded.

“Well,” he said, looking at his feet. “I won’t hold you up too much longer.”

Ryan set down his one suitcase (the rest of his stuff had been sent ahead of him) and stepped forward to give Pete one last hug. He didn’t know when he’d see Pete again. He was hoping it wouldn’t be too long. They pulled apart a second sooner than Ryan wanted, but he knew that this was a friend hug and a friend hug didn’t last longer than that.

“Thanks for coming to see me off,” Ryan said, picking up his suitcase and smiling one more time.

“Someone had to,” Pete said. This time, his smile was small—not all teeth like it normally was. Ryan tried not to read into it more than he could of.

“I’ll call when I land,” he said. Pete nodded and now this goodbye felt awkward for some reason. Ryan waited a moment before quietly saying bye, and then he was walking away.

Pete watched as Ryan got further and further away, restraining himself from running towards him and stopping him. He wanted so badly to change Ryan’s mind, to try and make him stay here. This is where he belonged. Here. Not where he was going—Pete wasn’t there.

He hated to admit it to himself, but he had grown more attached to Ryan than he had wanted and watching him walk away hurt more than he thought it would. He didn’t feel like himself anymore. For once, he thought like things were out of his control.

He sighed when Ryan was completely out of his sight, probably standing in line to go through security. He wished he could go with him, but Pete wasn’t the type to just pick up and go somewhere without planning it for a while; so he left the airport. What else could he do?

---

Ryan was on the plane and he was regretting everything. Not telling Pete how he felt, starting things with Pete only a few months before leaving. He regretted leaving as well, but there really wasn’t anything he could do.

He wanted to write and be in New York City. He had everything planned out. He knew someone from high school; an old friend who he hadn’t talked to in a while but who was willing to let Ryan live with him until he got on his feet. Then he would start submitting things to local newspapers and magazines which he knew there were plenty of in the city. But writing was something that Ryan didn’t want to think about right now.

As the plane started to move in preparation of taking off, all Ryan could feel was an aching in his chest that felt like someone had punched him, like he was bruised. He was trying to not think of Pete but he couldn’t stop himself.

He leaned back in his chair and tried to breathe calmly because he didn’t want to cry on an airplane where everyone could see him and he couldn’t hide. Ryan opened his eyes and looked out the window just as they were taking off.

This was really happening. He was leaving and going to start a new life. He watched as the ground below got further and further away. LA was behind them now, the plane moving forward even further. He almost wished that this plane ride could be never ending; that this moment could last forever. He wasn’t ready to start his new life, and he wasn’t ready to leave his old life.

He tried not to think of the awkward goodbye he had shared with Pete. He wished their last moment together had been a bit more memorable, but there was nothing he could do now. That was in the past.

Pete was in the past.