Losing Lori

Sometimes it's hard to believe you beat me this way, Lori.

You see, I used to use girls the way you used me. I'd make them think I loved them more than anything, and then I'd cheat. I'd cheat, and cheat, and cheat some more, just because I could. Just because I knew they loved me and I didn't care. That's why I know how you play your games. Funny how I always lost.

I could have done to you exactly what you did to me. I could have yelled at you and scared you and cheated on you and everything else. And then, I could have left. For what? I don't know. Better things, maybe. Things like whatever you wanted instead of me.

Would you have stayed like I did? Would you have pined away? Or would you still be yourself? Uncaring and unaware that you'd been left for dead?

I don't know. I do care, though. I care a lot. If things were different...well, then they would be. Maybe they'd be worse, maybe better. Hopefully better, anyway.

I'm glad I changed, even if it made me soft and opened me up for you to get inside and fuck with my feelings. Because the day I changed my ways, I realized there were better things than having sex with a stranger and leaving the next morning. I realized that even though I could get hurt in the process, it was okay to fall in love.

Meeting you...wanting you...needing you....having you...it was all so different, yet all the same. I was in love. I was blind at first, to see what you were doing to me. But you know, even if I could see it, I don't think I would have cared. You were like an angel, a bird. Perfect, taking flight, leaving your own trail of invisible fairy dust behind for me to follow. I did, too. I followed you right up until the end.

I regret a lot of things these days, Lori. I regret the fact that I never went after you when you left. Maybe that made you think I really didn't care at all. It's hard to figure out girls. I regret not calling when you told me not to. Maybe if I did the opposite, you would have realized what you had.

I don't know if you'll ever find someone like me again. If you do, kudos. If you don't, tough shit. Well, that's a lie, because we both know I'd take you back in a second, but still. If you end up with someone who even treats you half as good as I did, I'll be happy for you.

Lori, I wish a lot these days too.

I wish I could rip your heart out of your chest and stomp on it the way you did to me. I wish I could put it back in where it came from and watch you crumble into dust. I wish you'd get hit by a bus. I wish you'd get an STD. I wish you'd find out you were pregnant with my baby.

Even though that would be a good thing, I'm sure you don't want to be pregnant at 22.

I wish a lot of nice things.

I wish you'd come back. I wish you would have stayed longer with me in the mornings. I wish you would have kept your job. I wish you would have kissed me at least once without pulling away before I did. I wish you would have said yes when I asked you to be my wife.

I sound like I'm a little boy, and I get that. I understand. But some things, you just can't help. When you have a lot of feelings, they just come rushing out, all at once, with no plug to stop them. It's a shame, Lori.

Doing all of this...it hasn't helped me. It's made me remember how much of a loser I was for falling for you, and how much of a bitch you are for not catching me. It's still always going to be pathetic. As long as I live, I'll remember feeling this way. Missing you. Seeing you on TV and wondering why you're on there. Hearing from your mom, who avoids the topic of you like the plague.

I'll always remember your beautiful tattoos. Birds are peaceful, graceful creatures. Even though you're not either one of those things in my mind, I'm going to pretend you are. I'm going to pretend that you are a lovely bird, a figment of my imagination, flying above my head in the clouds.

Even though you didn't catch me Lori, know that I'll always catch you if you break your wing and fall out of the sky. As stupid as it sounds, I mean it.

If you get married and decide he's not for you, I'm still here. I'll drop everything for you. It's always an open invitation here, in my arms. No matter what. Where ever your heart may lead you, I will love you the same.

Even if you're deathly ill with some awful contagious disease, I still want you. All of you. The little annoying parts. The mean ones. The stupid ones. Hell, I'll even take the obnoxious ones.

We won't be married, but I'll still stick to my own made up vows.

I love you, Lori.

For better or worse, forever.