Losing Lori

I was never good at staying angry with anyone, especially you. One little smile or gibe and I was yours again, all sewn up, good as new. You knew what buttons to push and what levers to pull, Lori. You really did.

You know what the sad thing is? No matter how pissed you made me, I never complained, not even for a second. Not when you came home drunk after I'd caught you cheating. Not when you ditched me to hang out with two girls who almost landed you in jail. Not when you took the remote or drove my car without permission or ordered Thai when I said Chinese. It was too hard to end a fight with you, so I just brushed the pain away. I didn't want to start something that only you could finish.

Your mother still calls, sweetheart. I think she can tell something's wrong with me, even if I swore to her that we'd decided this was best. We didn't decide anything, Lori. I tried to propose and you freaked out.

"I've told you before, marriage is notwhat I want! Damn it, I can't take this anymore!" You told your mother, who told my mother, who wanted nothing to do with it because how bad would that look, my mom trying to talk you into marrying me? No, it was yours who called you non-stop, trying to make you reconsider.

In the end, I put a stop to it. I could see you wearing thin, and I knew it was only a matter of time until you up and left. I was right, obviously. I blame your mother, some days. But I know, in my heart, it was my fault. I shouldn't have asked you at all.

To this day, my mother thinks you're still here. I don't know why I haven't told her, and I don't know why your mom hasn't either, but I'm sort of glad. She'd be out here in a split second if she knew what happened, what her "little boy" was going through. I don't need to be coddled, Lori. I learned that from you.

I'm still lying for you. I'm okay. Yeah, she is too. We're good. She's thinking about it, Ma. Don't push it. Yeah. Love you too.

You left a lot behind.