Destinere

I was drowning in a sea of black. I was a fast runner, but not fast enough to escape the inevitable.

My eyes started glazing over as the priest started talking again. I didn't want to hear his lies. I didn't want to see my father standing next to me crashing and burning, along with his attempt at being brave. I didn't want to see my little brother crying. But out of all of this, I especially did not want to see the black casket sitting in front of me. Lifeless, unmoving, cold; just like the body inside. Just like my mother.

It seemed everything was dead today. The flowers people brought, the grass beneath my battered red chucks, the priests voice.

The black sea started moving and Danny tugged my hand, "Kelsie, come on!"

"What?" I said, trying to clear my head.

"Dad is walking towards the people. We have to go to him," my little brother said. Danny was smart for a seven year old. Smarter than me sometimes.

"Oh, right." I said letting him lead the way. I didn't want to look back. Hearing the grunts of the workers as they shovel dirt on the casket was bad enough, seeing it would just make it more real.

Danny led me into a small building, and although I could hear a heater running, I still felt ice cold. Numb, maybe. I lifted my eyes to take in the scene before me...and I felt like throwing up. The one thing I wanted to avoid was surrounding me. Every corner was covered with her, never leaving anyone's mind.

I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "Let's get this over with."

"Here she is now," I heard my dad say as I walked towards him, Danny in tow.

"Oh you poor girl!" Aunt Eliza said throwing her arms around me. "Sweetie, why in the world would you wear white? This is your mother's funeral for God's sake!"

There it was. The words I've been trying so hard to run from. I knew they would catch me sooner or later. I was hoping for later. Much later.

"White is for mourning in other cultures," I muttered.

I knew Aunt Eliza was about to scold me but more people came to pay their respects. Until that point I never realized how many people loved my mom. I never realized she knew that many people. Some faces in the black sea looked familiar, others were complete strangers.

I looked over to my left and saw a crowd of people surrounding Danny and my dad. "Excuse me," I said to the women trying to make conversation with me.

"Hey buddy, how you holding up?" I said kneeling down to Danny's height.

"I'm ok," he said. I could see that he wasn't. He was trying to be brave. I looked over at my dad and saw him rubbing his eyes with a tissue someone had given him.

"You know, It's ok to cry. No one's going to be mad at you, and it will make you feel better." I smiled at him.

He stared at me then at the picture behind me, and soon enough he was in my arms crying.

"Kellie, I miss mommy! Who's going to read me stories? And check for the boogie man? Who's going to make me pb&j? Who's going to love me now?" He cried into my shoulder.

I smiled slightly. Smart as he may be, he was still just a kid. He didn't understand yet . "I will, buddy. And so will dad."

He cried louder and everyone crowded around me to try to comfort him. I let my dad take him from me. They'd comfort each other.

I looked around to see that everyone had their attention on Danny. Almost everyone.

I folded my arms as the air around me got colder, and a man in a black tux and white tie started toward me. As he got closer I realized he probably wasn't much older than I was. A year at the most. The tux just made him look more...experienced.

Just as he was about to reach me, another person cut in my line of sight.

"How you holding up?" Jonathan said.

"Been better," I said quietly. Jonathan had been my best friend since we dared each other to eat rollie pollies. He always had my back, even when the rest of the world didn't. He was like my twin or something because he always seemed to know when I needed him. Always saying the right things at the right time. My parents used to joke that we were soul mates or something. I was going to miss that...

"I'm sorry, Kel-so," he said taking me in for a hug. Out of all the apologizes and hugs, this one seemed the most genuine. "Do you want to ditch this shin-dig?"

"As much I'd love to say yes, I can't. Better yet, I won't. I'm not leaving my dad to deal with all this bullshit."

"Gotcha'. I'm going to go pay my respects, ok?" He said pointing his thumb towards my family.

I nodded and sighed as he turned back around. I walked over to a deserted corner. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the guy I was staring at a couple moments ago was making his way towards me again.

"Roland Bropes." He held out his hand as he stopped in front of me.

"Do I know you?" I asked, shaking his hand.

"Uh, not really. My father used to work with your mother," he said looking a bit uncomfortable.

"I see."

"Do you?"

"What?" I said lifting my head from the floor.

"I said do you want a drink?" He said, holding out a paper cup.

"Thanks," I said taking the drink from him. I sipped the drink as an awkward silence took over. I looked at him from the corner of my eye taking him in as he brushed the black hair that had falling on his face, revealing golden brown eyes. Even in the shadows of the corner I could see his unearthly beauty. I never realized a guy could look that beautiful without being airbrushed. It kind of made me jealous...

"Do you miss her at all?" He suddenly asked.

"Of course I do. She's my mom."

"You talk as if she is still here." He pointed out.

I shrugged and continued to sip the drink.

"I don't think you miss her. In fact, I think you're glad she's gone." I turned towards him to see him smiling at me.

"You don't know anything," I whispered fiercely.

"I know more about your family than you do. Like the fact that your brother has you mothers ring in his pocket. Or that your Aunt wants your mothers money. Or the fact that the last thing you said to her was 'burn in hell'. I know a lot of things, Kelsie Brookes."

"Get out. Get out and don't come back," I tried to keep my voice down.

"As you wish," he bowed at the waist. "Please do remember to take care of your brother. I don't want to have the pleasure of taking yet another family member from you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, astonished.

"Nothing at all, Kelsie Brookes." He smiled and turned to walk out the door.

I stood there, watching him walk out the door.

Who the hell does he think he is?! I thought to myself. He doesn't know anything!
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe he did know more than I ever did. After all he pointed out those things that I undoubtedly knew were true. Maybe my life was a game to someone with a twisted mind. Someone who enjoyed watching me suffer.

That's when the pain in my chest I've been trying to swallow down became too much. I ran through the room, attracting peoples stares but not caring. I stopped outside looking around for my mother's newly dug in grave and ran towards it.

I stopped for a moment, staring at the dead lily someone had left on top of her grave, not sure what I was going to do next when I heard thunder above me. I looked up just as the sky started to cry, and I broke down. I started yelling and kicking the grave, not caring if I hurt myself in the process.

I had cracked. My careful composure was broken, and I couldn't bring myself to fix it. I tried to be the calm one. The crutch that everyone was going to lean on after this ordeal. But I never realized I was going to need one myself.

"Kellie!" I heard someone yell, but I didn't care.

I threw myself on the floor and began digging, not caring that my clothes were ruined by the mud, or that my fingers began to look scarlet. I couldn't leave her in there to rot. She had to stay here with us, and watch Daniel and I grow up and have kids of our own. She had to be our mom.

"Kelsie! Kelsie, baby, stop!" My dad yelled from behind me. But I couldn't. As much as my fingers hurt from the digging, I couldn't.

"NO!" I screamed as someone grabbed my arms and started pulling me away. "I have to get her out! She can't stay there! She'll die!"

"Kellie! Kellie, stop! You're hurting yourself!" My dad said urgently, gripping my forearms tighter.

"Why aren't you helping me!? We have to get her out! She's going to miss us! Don't you care?!" I said, digging faster.

"Kellie. Baby, look at me," he said.

I wasn't sure what made me stop. Maybe it was the crowd looking at us. Or Danny crying while Jonathan held him. Or maybe it was the sudden gentleness that replaced the urgent tone in my dad's voice. Either way, I looked at him.

"Kelsie, I love your mother. More than you can possibly know," he said, eyes red and laced with tears. "But your mother is gone. She will not be coming back. No matter how much we all wish she would. No matter how much we try, she is not coming back."

I sucked in a gasp at the sudden cold hard truth he gave me.

"No. It's not true," I shook my head. But I knew it was true. I looked back at my mom's now ruined grave and at my blooded fingers. I sat there a moment seeing but not understanding, than I flung myself towards my dad and cried harder than I knew I could.

"It's not fair! She didn't do anything wrong! Why'd it have to be her?" I cried into his shoulders.

He hugged me tightly and said, "I know, baby. I know. It'll get better."

I didn't say anything. My words were swallowed up by the tears.

We sat in the rain for a while as my fit turned into slumber. The last things I remember were my dad carrying me into our car, and Roland's face hidden behind the trees. I wasn't sure if the last part was me dreaming, but I didn't care. At that moment the pain was gone.
----

"Kel, wake up. We're going to get you in your bed, ok?" I heard Jonathan say softly.

He must have followed us home to make sure I was going to be ok.

"Where's Danny?" I mumbled.

"He's inside with your dad."

I nodded and got out of the car. Jon wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me from falling over. I rubbed my eyes of sleep and found that my fingers had been bandaged. I winced at the thought of someone seeing my muddy fingers and knowing what I did.

"No one's judging you, Kel." Jon said as if knowing what I was thinking.

"No one, but me." I said quietly as we came into the my living room.

"I'll take her from here, Jon." My dad said, folding me into a hug.

"I'll be ok," I said as I twisted around to see the worry on Jonathan's face.

He nodded and turned to leave. If he knew I was lying he didn't show any signs.

"Do you want to talk?" My dad said taking my shoulders.

"No, It's ok. I'm just going to go find Danny." I said and started walking up the stairs. I stopped at the top one, and turned to look at the picture on the wall. Tears started to form as I saw our family picture. I took it off the wall and took it with me.

As I passed my parents bedroom I heard a noise behind its closed doors.

"Buddy? You in here?" I said opening the door. I stood there a moment my heart breaking for the hundredth time that day.

Daniel stood in the center of the room holding my mother's ring in his small hands. Tears silently rolled down his chubby cheeks as he stared at it.

I knelt behind him and hugged him. "Let's go to bed, buddy."

He nodded and wiped his eyes, "can we sleep in mommy and daddy's bed?"

I looked at the bed were my parents slept. I didn't know how I could possibly lay somewhere were my mother used to be, but I didn't know how I could say no to him either.

"Yea," I smiled at him.

So we laid there. Him falling asleep with the picture I took from the stairs hugged against him, and me staring at my mom's ring.

I don't know how long I laid there with the ring tangled between my fingers. Maybe seconds, maybe hours. I didn't even think I was going to be able to sleep, but I did. I fell asleep thinking things would never again be the same.

I didn't know how right I was...