She's the Drug That I Need

Following Johnny through the front door, Jimmy’s eyes scanned Brian’s living room as they walked through towards the kitchen, knowing that there was something not quite right.

“What’s up Jim?” Johnny asked as he uncapped the bottle of coke that Brian had handed him.

“Something’s different.” He said frowning as he took a sip of his soda.

“In what way?” Brian asked.

“I’m not sure yet, but there’s defiantly something different happening here.” He replied taking another sip as he walked back into the living room, taking a good look around before turning back into the kitchen. “The mirror’s different and the cushions.”

“Yeah, they’re Mel’s she’s started to bring a few bits a pieces over.” Brian replied with a smile as Jimmy narrowed his eyes at him.

“She trying to hint at something Gates?” Johnny snickered.

Brian’s smile widened as he glanced at his two friends, “She hasn’t needed to hint anything, I asked her to move in when she got back from New York.”

“Really? That’s awesome dude.” Johnny said as Jimmy walked over to him.

“You’re a fucking idiot!” he yelled, smacking him upside the head. “Did I not hit you hard enough Sunday?”

“What the fuck dude?” Johnny yelled turning in shock at the drummer. “Mel’s a nice girl, aren’t you happy for them?”

“I would be if this dipshit wasn’t doing it because he was feeling guilty for fucking Sarah on the weekend.” Jimmy retorted glaring at Brian who was still rubbing the back of his neck.

“You did what?” Johnny yelled turning to glare at Brian. “Are you fucking serious dude?” he added, punching Brian in the arm.

“Ow! Fuck off, both of you.” Brian yelled taking a few steps away from his friends. “Okay, yes I did fuck Sarah on the weekend, but it was a mistake.”

“Six fucking mistakes!” Jimmy muttered.

“Six?” Johnny exclaimed a smirk playing on his lips.

“Yeah. And it was a mistake. I can’t be with Sarah. She’s with Seth and I love Mel and I want to make a go of things with her. I’ve been thinking of asking her to move in for a few weeks now.” Brian explained.

“You still love Sarah though don’t you?” Jimmy stated more than asked.

Brian sighed, running a hand through his hair, “I love Mel and I want to make things work with her.”

“That didn’t answer my question.” Jimmy stated. “But I don’t think you need to, I know. so all I’m going to say to you is that you better not hurt Mel, she doesn’t deserve that.”

“I know dude, and I’m not planning to.” Brian replied with a sigh.

“Good.” Jimmy almost growled at him with a stern glare.

~*~

“Baby are you okay?” Seth’s voice brought Sarah away from her thoughts, her eyes meeting his, “You off in your dream world again?”

She smiled up at him, “I’m fine.” She lied. Seth was right, she had been off in her dream world. It was a world where she and Brian were together properly, where she fell asleep next to him every night, woke up in his arms every morning; where she sat at the kitchen table with him and Jenni at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s all that had been on her mind since Brian had left Sunday morning.

She loved him. Really loved him. And she wanted to be with him. But things weren’t that easy. He was with Melissa and she was married to Seth.

“I’ve gotta head up to Long Beach later as well, so I’ll be a bit later than usual getting home okay?” he said with a smile.

“Okay.” she murmured quietly with a half smile as he kissed her forehead before leaving.

She knew she should feel guilty for being with Brian behind Seth’s back, and for even just thinking about being with him, but she didn’t. Yes she loved Seth; she wouldn’t have married him if she hadn’t loved him. But she was starting to believe that it wasn’t the same kind of love she had felt for Brian. She knew she’d made so many mistakes. She should never have left Huntington Beach. She should not have been so scared to tell Brian her true feelings for him. She should never have tried to deny her feelings for him after Vegas. She should have called off the wedding and followed her heart back to Huntington with Brian.

Instead she’d followed her head. Again. Thinking that this is what was best for Jenni. Thinking that she needed stability and that her being with Seth was the right thing to do to give her that stability she needed.

Cursing lightly to herself, she got up from where she was sat and walked over to the sink, pouring her mug of cold coffee down the drain, before walking out to the back yard to where Jenni was playing in the play house Brian had got her.

“Hey sweetie, you okay in there?” she asked kneeling down and peering in with a smile.

“Is daddy here yet?” she asked with a plastic tea pot and cup in her hand.

“Not yet pumpkin, but he shouldn’t be too much longer.” She replied.

“Okay. would you like a cup of tea mommy?” she replied.

“Oh, yes please.” She said with a smile, watching as her daughter poured air from the tea pot into the cup.

“Sugar?” the three year old asked with a smile.

“One please.” Sarah replied.

“Here you go.” She said passing the cup to her mother.

“Thank you.” she replied, lifting it to her lips. “Mmm, that was lovely. I’m gonna go back in and wait for your daddy okay?”

“Okay, tell him I’m out here.” She replied, Sarah chuckling with a shake of her head as she saw herself in her daughter.

“Yes boss.” She saluted with a smirk, turning to walk back into the house.

Five minutes later she watched through the living room window as Brian pulled up onto the drive way and made his way up to the house. She took a deep breath as she opened the door to greet him, a smile on her lips.

“Hey.” she said quietly.

“Hey, where’s Jenni? He replied as he walked further into the house, Sarah closing the door behind him.

“She’s um, out in the back.” She replied quietly.

“Sarah? You okay?” Brian asked as he walked past her noticing how she was nervously gnawing at her lower lip.

“Yeah, fine.” She replied forcing a smile as Brian gave her a quizzical look, obviously not believing her lie. she took a deep breath and shook her head pushing her shaking hands into her pockets. “I’ve been thinking...”

“About?” Brian asked when she didn’t continue.

“You and me. us.” She said quietly lifting her eyes to his.

“Us?” he said shocked and confused as she nodded. “Sarah there is no us.”

“I know.” she said lowering her eyes again quickly. “And I know you’ve given me plenty of chances for there to be an “us” since you’ve been back in touch with us. And I know you love Mel. But I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since the weekend and I can’t lie to myself anymore.”

“Sarah-“

“I love you Brian. I always have. I was just scared.” She said stunning him into silence. “I know I’ve denied it but I thought I loved Seth; he’s given us so much since I moved here, he’s always been here for the two of us. I thought staying with him and marrying him was for the best. I was wrong and I can’t lie anymore. I want to be with you Brian. I love you.”

Silently, Brian stood staring at her shaking his head back and forth trying to find the words he wanted to say. She loved him? After all this time, she was finally admitting that she loved him. She knew that marrying Seth had been a mistake. She loved him. This is what he’d wanted to hear from her since before she ran away from Huntington. But what about Mel? He loved her. Didn’t he? Of course he did. But was it the same as what he’d felt for Sarah all these years? Not really. He’d believed for the longest time that Sarah was the love of his life. Had wanted so much for the two of them to be together, be parents to Jenni together, living under the same roof, giving her a baby brother or sister.

However she had made it clear on more than one occasion that she didn’t love him, that she was happy with Seth. But had she really been all that clear? She had may have said the words, but her actions had been the complete opposite. On three separate occasions they had ended up sleeping together, once even on the morning of her wedding. And what is it they say? Actions speak louder than words.

But what the fuck was he supposed to do with this revelation? She loved him. She. Loved. Him. Why now? Why after all this time?

“Why now?” he asked suddenly.

“Because I can’t go on living a lie. I have to start being honest with myself. Even if you don’t feel the same way. I just need you to know how I feel about you.” she said quietly.

“After all this time, after all the times I’ve told you how I feel, now that I’ve been happy with Mel for the past six months, now that you’ve married Seth. What do you want me to say? Are you leaving Seth? Do you expect me to leave Mel?” he asked.

“I know it’s not the best timing. I should have admitted my feelings for you years ago, before I left Huntington, but I was scared. I’m not asking you to leave Mel; if you love her and can be happy with her then you should stay with her and have a life with her. But I can’t be with Seth anymore. It’s not fair to him or me, or Jenni for that matter.” She said quietly.

Talking a long, deep breath Brian nodded. “I just don’t know what to say. I love Mel, I really do, but I’ve always loved you. it’s always been you. but I gave up on you returning my feelings for you when I started dating Mel. I want to be happy with her, I would have been happy with her, but how can I be now that you’ve told me that you love me?”

“I know, I’m sorry, I’ve been unfair to you. just forget that I’ve said anything and go spend the afternoon with Jenni, she’s out in her playhouse waiting for you.” she replied taking a step away from him, keeping her eyes down and away from his.

Not knowing what else to say, Brian stood silently watching her for a brief moment before turning to go find his daughter.

For the rest of the afternoon, wanting to keep out of Brian’s way, Sarah kept busy by cleaning, starting with the kitchen and moving through the house to the living room, bedrooms, play room, bathroom and finishing off in Seth’s small office area.

It was in there where Jenni found her, telling her that she was hungry and Brian was making her a sandwich in the kitchen.

“Do you want one mommy?” she asked with a smile.

“No thank you sweetie, I’m not hungry.” She lied, holding her stomach as it growled in defiance.

“Yes you are, I heard your tummy.” She giggled.

“Okay, I’ll come and have one.” She replied with a half smile.

Taking hold of her mother’s hand Jenni led Sarah back down the stairs and into the kitchen where they she took a seat at the breakfast bar, opposite Brian. “Mommy’s hungry too, her tummy started rumbling.”

“Okay, chicken salad sandwich okay for you?” Brian asked lifting his gaze to Sarah who nodded.

“With mayo.” Jenni added with a nod of her head.

“Can you get it from the fridge for me then please?” Brian asked keeping his eyes on Sarah as Jenni went to fetch the mayo. “This is how I’ve always wanted us to be.” He said quietly.
“The three of us together, a family.”

“You can have it if you want It.” she replied in a whisper, watching as Brian nodded slowly with a small smile.