*** Me Alone - Room Nine

One week passed, and I spent all of it stuck in my house, not leaving for anything. Not that I was ashamed of my past life, but I never had told my band mates what I have done, before forming the band… I mean, we all had our past dirty secrets, but I could bet none of them had worked on a strip club. I could bet Jenna’s secret was that she had done drugs, that Christopher’s secret was that he had been alcoholic, and that Sam’s secret was that… okay, I couldn’t figure out Sam’s secret, he was the one who best hidden it. I mean, every time someone talked about past lives, he would act so normally we never knew he had a secret, until he told us he actually didn’t like that subject. He was a bit awkward about it, but, beside that, he was amazing! He was Jenna’s boyfriend, but not even she knew what his secret was, he said that he wasn’t ready to tell her, yet.
On that week, I thought about a lot of shit: how much seeing Frank had affected me, how I’ve been so stupid to him I’d probably ruined my band’s chance… In fact, I betted that was the reason neither of them came to talk to me: they were mad at me for ruining the chance of their lives to tour with My Chemical Romance; I was such a twat, arrg, I hated myself. On that week, I took more baths than ever! What Frank told me when I slapped him really got into my mind, and in my heart. “Once a whore, forever a whore”; I started crying, and went on another shower; it was the third I had, today, and it was only two p.m.! When I got off, I saw my cell phone ringing, and went to open the message I had just received.
Fuck, Brittany, we don’t care if you don’t wanna see anyone; we’re coming over. We need to tell you some shit, and Sam says he needs to confess something… I think he’ll tell us his secret. Be sure to open the door, or we’ll kick it. XX, Jenna”
What the fuck? They didn’t come to see me ‘cause they were giving me some space to think? I surely loved my band more than anything, that’s the only truth I can think of, now. I looked at my dripping hair, and noticed, then, that I was only wearing a towel. Holy fuck! I quickly got dressed, knowing that from Jenna’s house to mine it was only ten minutes. When I was fully dressed, and about to start drying my hair, I heard two knocks on the door, that made me smile. I ran to it, and opened it, not smiling anymore, afraid they were mad at me.
- Holy horny fuck, I missed you so much! – Jenna said, coming to hug me tightly, squeezing me as if I was a teddy bear. – Are you okay, honey? – She asked, looking worried at me; I knew she was talking about the whole Frank scene.
- Yep, fine – I said, smiling at her, and hugging the guys, next.
When we were all in the living room, we sat down and I decided I should apologize to them.
- Hey, hum… I’m sorry for my behavior, and for ruining our chances to go on tour with MCR… It’s just, he was such an asshole, you know sometimes I get really mad – I told them, looking at the patterns on my carpet.
- It’s okay, Brit. We heard everything, he deserved it… - Christopher said, surrounding my shoulders with his arm, comforting me.
It was a total shame Christopher was gay, you know? He was totally handsome: blond short hair, green eyes, great muscles, tall, thin, perfect skin, perfectly shaped lips… He was every girl’s dream. And inside he was even better: he was sweet, caring, funny, sensible, helpful… everything a girl wished her boyfriend to be. Not that I felt something for him; he was just a great friend, nothing more, but sometimes, I wished I felt something for him, and he felt for me too, so I could forget about Frank and all he had made me feel.
- Yep, Chris got that right; he was a jerk, Brit! He treated you like a whore, and you don’t deserve it; you’re an amazing girl, and what you did in the past doesn’t matter, it made you stronger, wiser, better. You can’t let him get you down! – Sam said, coming to knee in front of me, trying to get my attention.
- But I am a whore… I’m dirty; I liked that he fucked me when I was fifteen… It’s just that… I… can’t seem to stop thinking about what he made me feel. Maybe he’s right: once a whore, forever a whore – I said, closing my eyes, while my tears made their invincible way through my cheeks, until they could be free to fall on the ground of my living room.
- That’s not true – the three of them gasped through their teeth.
I looked up, and saw them fighting about telling or not telling their secret. Sam was the one that was having the worst fight; his face would change every five seconds, while the “angel” and “demon” inside of him were fighting to win that battle. Finally, he made himself up, but Jenna decided she should go first.
- I was a whore, once – she said, looking through the window; in the meanwhile, I looked at her, surprised. – I was drug addicted, and I didn’t have money for more drugs; I had to do something, so, I decided that should be my best shot… I was fifteen, too – she continued, and Sam got up to go hug her.
- I used to work at a strip club – Christopher whispered, from beside me. – The ones were they have machines that you are inside, and someone pays to keep watching you dancing, you know? I worked in one of those machines… It was the only way for me to keep having money for my alcohol – he stated, burying his face on my hair, and wetting it with his own tears.
I hugged Christopher so tight I think he was having some hard-times breathing, but he didn’t complain; Sam was hugging Jenna carefully and in a lovely way, himself crying onto her shoulder. After they were better, Sam finally talked.
- I used to sell my body at the streets – he said, looking determinate at our shocked faces. – I had no money to take home, and my father would beat me, so, I started doing it… But, one day, my father found out about my job, and almost killed me… almost – he stopped for a while, collecting the courage to say the rest, closing his eyes. – I killed him first, with a knife craved on his heart.
The room went silent for a while, and since nobody dared to say a thing, he continued.
- The police found out, and, because I was only fifteen, I went to a house of correction… Those three years were the worst time of my life… I got raped, beaten up, would starve – he said, and his eyes started to fill up with tears. – I… can’t… I’m so sorry.
- You don’t need to be sorry – Jenna said, hugging him tightly. – Just don’t think about it, let’s just forget it, okay? It’s past… past can’t define us now. You said that yourself.
I had never seen Sam so weak… His chin sized black hair was covering his grey teary eyes, his soft rose lips were shaking, his big hands were weak on his lap, his muscled big body seemed so fragile… Jenna was hugging him with all the strength she had, rubbing her right hand up and down his back, calming him down. Me and Chris were just staring, feeling useless; slowly, Sam started to get calmer, and, eventually, stopped crying and hugged Jenna back, kissing her lips softly.
- Thank you – he whispered, looking deep in her eyes, making her smile.
- You don’t have to thank me – she said, kissing him back.
- From now on, let’s promise one thing to ourselves, okay? – I asked, and all my friends looked at me. – We’ll only think about the past when singing, okay? And we won’t cry about it, it’s not worth it.
- Deal – Chris said, smiling and taking my hand; Jenna and Sam got up, and joined their hands on ours, while saying “deal” and smiling.
- Deal – I said, smiling at my band mates; suddenly, my phone rang, scaring me.
I didn’t recognize the number, but answered anyway.
- Yeah? – I asked, smiling at my band mates faces.
- Don’t hung up – Frank said, and my smile faded.
- What the fuck do you want, and how did you get my number? – I asked, my teeth rasping.
- Need to see you… I’m coming over. Oh, and your number and address are on the file you gave us for the audition – he said, and giggled, making me a little less mad.
- What on earth can make you come at my place? – I asked, trying to stay calm.
- Surprise – he said, and hung up.
I closed my eyes, and decided it was time for another shower.
- I have to go shower, if anyone knocks, open the door and say to wait a few minutes – I asked my band mates, turning my back to them, so they wouldn’t see me crying.
- But your hair is still wet! – Christopher observed, and I understood the confusion on his voice, but wasn’t going to answer.
How was I supposed to tell them that I was trying to get clean, ‘cause I was fucking dirty? How was I supposed to tell them that what I told them earlier about not thinking about the past, wouldn’t apply to myself? I couldn’t, that’s the only answer.
I hurried on the shower, crying and rubbing my body so hard my flesh was red. When I got out, I dressed up quickly, which hurt me, but I didn’t mind; at least it was just physical pain. When I was ready, I dried my hair, and got back to the living room, smiling at my band mates, who were laughing at a comic show on the TV. There were two single knocks on the door, but it was enough to make my smile fade.
- Don’t kill me – Frank said, with an angel face, the moment I opened the door.
- What the fuck do you want, then? – I asked, angry at him; I don’t know why, but my mad tone made him smile.
- You’re cute when you’re mad – he said, giving me a bouquet of red roses; then, he forced in, and waited for me to close the door.
- Why did you just give me a bunch of roses? – I asked, confused at this.
- To apologize… I’m sorry for the way I treated you last week… I never meant to hurt you, I swear – he said, his earlier smile fading, being replaced by a tiny line on his lips. – I don’t know what has gotten into me… Sorry – he said, looking at the ground, and I could see his cheeks were red.
Much for my despair, what he said really turned my fences out, and I find my smile comforting him, since he started crying a bit.
- It’s okay, Frank… Just, forget about it – I said, and he looked at me.
- Really? – He asked, a cute little smile appearing on his lips, making me laugh.
- Yep – I replied, and he hugged me.
After that, I led him to the living room, and my band mates were shocked at him being here, and I could even feel Sam preparing to kick him out, if I needed him to.
- It’s okay, guys; he apologized – I said, and all of them left their tenses positions.
- Great thing you’re all here – Frank said, with an expectative smile playing on his lovely desirable lips. – Hum, you’re going on tour with us – he said calmly, but it was like a storm had just hit the room.
My band mates got up, and we couldn’t help but scream, hug each other, and finally hug Frank, who couldn’t breathe after our group hug. After that, we calmed down; Jenna and Sam started talking to each other, Christopher went to call his boyfriend, and I couldn’t help myself but hug Frank lovingly, really thankful our fight last week hadn’t ruined a lifetime chances.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you – I whispered in his ear, while hugging him; I was about to let him go, but he kept hugging me, not letting me go.
- You should thank your music, it’s amazing – he said calmly. – You don’t have to thank me; your talent did it all.
- Yes, I have to thank you, because you didn’t let our fight last week ruin the chance of my band to finally get big and known… thank you, thank you, thank you! – I whispered enthusiastic on his lips… lips? What the fuck was I thinking about? Ear! I mean his ear!
Then, I kissed him on the cheek, and he turned to look in my eyes, giving me a look that I could barely resist; but I had to, he was married. He has two daughters, I mean, he had a good marriage, for what I’ve seen on the internet.
- By the way, I’m not married – he said, as if he was reading my mind.
- What? – I asked, surprised, and letting go of his hug.
- Well, me and Gee made that up, ‘cause the fans were always making us do things… you know, what they usually call “Frerard”, and we were kinda awkward about it, so we told them we were married, not to each other, of course, to see if they would stop… Apparently, it became worst – he said, biting his lower lip.
- Yep, I know “Frerard” stories, and they’re totally amazing. You know, you shouldn’t care so much, the fans know you’re not gay, but they like the idea, you see? – I replied, laughing. – So, you’re not married? And those two cute little babies?
- Hum, they’re from a friend of mine… Well, you know, we had to make it believable – he said, blushing, and I laughed, which make him look at me.
- Well, you tricked me well… Are you planning to tell the fans? – I asked, laughing at his uncomfortable face.
- Yep, just before the tour begins, we’ll make an interview for MTV and for a magazine, and will announce it… Of course we won’t tell it was because the “Frerard” thing, we’ll say that it was to see their reaction – he said amused, but then broke down again. – I just hope they don’t leave us because of that.
- Don’t worry, we won’t; we love you too much for that – I said, unconsciously including me.
- Oh, yeah, right, you’re a fan, too… And since the very beginning – he said, cheering up a bit. – Nine years, and you’re still a fan? That’s good – he said, smiling at me when I blushed.
- Yep, your music has always helped me – I said, looking at the ceiling, trying not to cry. – It always made me wish for better, to stop hurting myself, to keep moving on… It’s like every single song you have describes every single feeling inside of me – I kept saying, confessing all the love I had for his band.
- No one ever said that so openly to us – he said, trying to look into my eyes, but I didn’t let him.
- Well, apparently, I said – I told him, controlling my tears.
- Hey, are you okay? – He asked when he finally managed to look at my eyes.
- No, I’m not, but never mind – I told him.
- Do you wanna go to the park? – He asked, worried about me; I nodded, and then hugged him for one second.
- I gotta go take a shower; I’ll be back in a minute – I told him, but Christopher got back, and, just when I was about to leave Frank’s side, Chris grabbed my arm.
- You’re going to take another shower? – He asked, looking deep in my eyes, and I nodded, starting to feel nervous at his grip on my arm. – But you took one before Frank arrived! – He continued, looking confused at my face.
- And? I’m still dirty… I need to wash myself… Let me go, Christopher – I threatened him, looking mad at him.
- No! You’ve taken two showers, already, today – he said.
- Four, in fact – I told him, and he petrified. – Just let me go, I need to clean… I’m dirty. I’m dirty, dirty, dirty… Let me go – I begged, crying, and when he finally let my arm free, I ran to the bathroom, going instantly under the spatter, dressed and all. I heard the door of the bathroom open, but I didn’t care.
- Brittany? Are you okay? – Frank asked, when he joined me under the spatter, looking worried at my face.
- Clean me off… I’m dirty… - Then, suddenly, I started singing, like a crazy person. – “Another knife in my hands
A stain that never comes off the sheets
Clean me off
I'm so dirty babe
The kind of dirty where the water never cleans off the clothes…”