*** Me Alone - Room Nine

I woke up on an unknown room; at least it was unknown to me. I was alone, and my clothes weren’t even my clothes, it was boy clothes. I looked around, trying to find some help, but the room was empty; and when I say empty, is really empty. I was on the ground, on a corner of the room; on the ground, for fuck’s sake! Who’s the fucking sane person that doesn’t even has a fucking bed on the room? I got up, noticing my clothes smelt like washed, and wimbled around the room, searching for a door, or, at least, a window; the thing is, I couldn’t find any, since the room was dark as hell (even if hell was supposed to be lighted up, due to the flames… oh, well), and I couldn’t see a thing in front of me. I was starting to freak out due to the memories this was bringing up on my mind, and was hyperventilating. Suddenly, someone opened the door, and I screamed, scared; still, I was expecting to see my mother on the other side of the door.
- Hey, are you okay? – Oh, it was Frank.
- Holy horny fuck, are you trying to get me a heart attack? You almost killed me! – I said, while he came to hug me, leaving the door open behind him, so I could see him.
- Shh, it’s okay, it’s just me – he comforted me, while hugging me; funny thing how he was just a tiny bit taller than me.
- I know that now… Where the fuck am I? – I asked, letting go of him and looking around.
- Well, in my place; and I won’t let you leave until I heal you – he said, a perfect line running his lips, as he looked worried at my eyes.
- Heal me? What the fuck? – I asked, really confused, and scared I had to spent more time stuck in this room.
- Yep… I can see it in you… You’re not okay. You’re becoming obsessive with the showers thing… Oh, not talking about your skin is red from all the rubbing! – He said, exasperated.
- But I’m supposed to shower… I’m dirty – I said, looking down, and forgetting for a moment where I was.
- You’re not fucking dirty! – He screamed, raising my head through my chin. – Look into my eyes; you’re not dirty. You’re beautiful, you’re clean. No way you could be dirty; no way, honey – he whispered, and made a slight move closer, kissing my lips for one second; then, he got back and looked into my eyes. – I won’t let you hurt yourself like that, even if I have to lock you inside this room for that.
I stepped back, hitting the wall, and crying, almost screaming.
- No, please, no, don’t lock me here… I’ll do whatever you want, but don’t lock me here! I’ll be a good girl, I promise – I whispered, and then, I wasn’t with Frank anymore.
My father was in front of me, looking angry, and I was crying so hard my eyes were hurting.
- No, daddy, please! I haven’t done anything wrong! Don’t lock me here, not again, please… I’ll do whatever you want, I promise… I’ll let you do whatever you want on me. Don’t leave me here, daddy! – I screamed, sitting on the ground while leaning onto the wall behind me, feeling week as hell.
- Brittany… - He said, his voice showing all his anger towards me. – Brit… - he called again, now looking worried. – Holy fuck, Brit!
I woke up, tears falling through my face, and I noticed that it was Frank’s voice, not my father’s one; I was taking short deep breaths, looking at Frank’s worried face.
- Come with me, I won’t put you through this, honey – he said, carrying me on his arms, since I could barely move.
Don’t ask me how he did it, but he managed to carry me bride style down the stairs, and only stopped when I was already lying on the couch on his living room. I curled in a ball, and cried until I fell asleep, with Frank sitting on the ground, caressing my face, and looking worried at me. When I woke up, Frank wasn’t there anymore, but I didn’t care; I had to take some time to think about the whole Frank-thing I was feeling. I mean, we kinda had a past, together… and he was being so lovely, acting like he really gave a crap for me, how I was and shit like that… But how could I know if he actually cared, or if he was only looking for some more sex with me? I mean, he said I wasn’t dirty, but did he really mean it? Or was he just saying it to get some with me? I couldn’t seem to figure out the answer to that, so, I decided: why not give him the opportunity to show me? That’s what I was going to do, give him an opportunity to show me what he wanted from me.
I was staring at the ceiling of his living room, waiting for him to show up, one arm hanging on my forehead, the other playing with the blanket I had over me; the window was closed, but I still felt some wind run through the house; maybe it was just me, but I felt like I wasn’t alone. Frank took centuries to show up, but, when he did, I couldn’t help myself but gaze at him: he had only one towel around his waist, nothing else! HE WAS ALL WET AND ALMOST NAKED, FOR GOD’S SAKE! I think he was fucking trying to tease me!
As he saw me staring, his cheeks went red, and he smiled slightly, trying to hide his shyness.
- Oh, you’re awake – he said, embarrassed.
- Apparently – I replied, looking away from his naked sculptural chest, and looking at the ceiling again. – Uh, what time is it, actually? – I asked, changing the subject before I could say anything I didn’t want to.
- Hum, seven in the morning – Frank replied, standing in the middle of the living room, not knowing what to do… - Uh, hum…
- Frank, go fucking dress yourself, for my sanity, okay?! – I asked, unable to stop myself; Frank laughed and blushed, as he left the living room, going to his room.
After a while, he came back, and I had already calmed myself; I don’t know what had happened to me, when I saw Frank that way… I mean, I had already seen him without any clothes on, but the time I saw him he wasn’t all wet… Oh, gosh, what was I thinking? Well, I’m dirty, after all. Frank showed up to me fully dressed, and smirking at me.
- So, am I good, now? – He asked, doing a full pirouette, while I rolled my eyes.
- Ah, ah, very funny Frankie – I replied, and he came to the side of the couch, sitting on the ground beside me.
- Are you okay? – He asked, now seriously. – I mean, I don’t know what has gotten into you today, but you scared the living shit out of me…
- If you don’t wanna see me like that, don’t lock me in the attic again… I don’t like attics, at all – I replied, looking into his eyes, letting him see right through my eyes, into my dirty soul.
- Can I know what happened, please? – He asked, and I broke my gaze, feeling like someone was grouping my throat, so hard I wanted to cry, but so hard I was trying not to; Frank saw it. – Okay, you don’t need to tell me – he said, trying to get up, but I pushed him down, and he almost fell over me.
- I was young, you know? Only ten years old when it all started… My father had always been a sweetheart to me, I would see him as my guardian angel… But when I was ten, he started to get more… physical with me. He started to get his hands on me more often, until, one night… - I started, tears bursting out my eyes, and I stopped for a while, only sobbing; Frank got my head up, sat on the couch and I leaned my head on his lap, while he caressed my face.
- Shuu, honey, you don’t have to say it… - he told me, but I continued.
- One night, he almost forced me to listen to him read me a story he used to read to me when I was little; my mommy wasn’t at home, she was out in a reunion, and I was feeling a bit nervous about that situation. I was already twelve, he wasn’t supposed to read me stories… When he finished reading “Sleeping Beauty” to me, I was really almost sleeping, my eyes were already closed… He leaned over to me, and… and… he kissed me in the lips, waking me up… I tried to push him away, but he was strong, and I couldn’t… he warped my arms above my head, and I couldn’t move…. I was paralyzed… And… and… - I said to Frank, crying a lot, and kept caressing my face and wiping away my tears.
- Shuu, it’s enough; you don’t have to say anything more, I think I got it – he said, grasping through his teeth.
- No! There’s more… - I told him, my eyes wide open. – He started coming every night… When I was thirteen, I managed to run away from him, but then it would be worst… He would lock me in the attic until I did what he wanted, and he would beat me… I wished I could just die, it would be so much easier… But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t hurt my mom or my brother like that… I mean, my mom was the one who always got me out of the attic, and my brother never did anything, ‘cause he was younger than me one year… He was afraid of my father. When I was fifteen, I couldn’t take it anymore; I ran away. That’s how I got to the strip club we met… And that is why I’m so dirty… I’m not pure, I’ve been torn apart, I’ve been used, I’m just trash… - I kept repeating, freaking the hell out of Frank.
- Stop, Brit… please, stop. Don’t say that, you’re beautiful, you’re not dirty. The only one who’s dirty is your father that is a total monster for doing that to you – he said, trying to calm me down, but I sat beside him, rigid.
- My father has already died – I stated, looking at the ceiling, and, when Frank didn’t say a thing, I kept talking. – My brother killed him.
- What?! – He asked, chocked. – I mean, why?
- When I was seventeen, my father found me, ‘cause I met up with my brother, since I missed him more than anything. He was just sixteen, but he was already rebel as shit; he knew what I used to do for living, but he never actually complained. “It’s better than living with that asshole”, he used to say, with a smile on his face… But my father caught us on Ryan’s apartment, and beat me and tried to rape me, but Ryan shot him – I told him, letting him know more than everyone else. – I can’t say I’m sorry, ‘cause I’m not, but I didn’t want Ryan to be in jail, you know? He’s going to leave it next year, but still, he’s too young. He spent his teenage life in a fucking cell, I surely didn’t want that to happen.
- Shouldn’t the cops have absolved him, since it was in pure defense? – Frank asked, really surprised; I could tell by the look on his face that he never expected to find out what happened in my life.
- Yep, but the gun he had wasn’t legal… - I said, now wanting to visit my brother.
- I’m so sorry for your brother, Brit – Frank said, hugging me side-ways. – I really am.
I turned to him, to hug him straightly, and let some sobs out, while crying into his chest.
- I’m sorry too, Frankie… I love him so much! I miss him… - I told him, crying like a water fountain. – He has been through so much in the jail, you can’t even imagine… I miss him…
- Oh, honey, if we didn’t have to leave today for tour, I would take you to where he is, but I can’t… I’m so sorry – he said, and I could feel he was feeling really bad for me.
Oh, so sweet, he wants to make me happy; and he even apologizes because he can’t!
- It’s not your fault – I said to him, getting away from his arms, and looking straight to his face. – But thank you anyway – I continued, smiling; out of nowhere, I had an idea. – Frank, can I be honest with you?
- Haven’t you been all this time? – He replied, while he rolled his beautiful hazel eyes.
- Well, this is a bit harsh, but okay… I think you’d look better with your hair cut off. That long hair doesn’t fit you very well – I said, flushing slightly; he looked at me with a smirk, and blushed.
- Well, actually, I’m thinking of cutting it, but I really don’t know what to do with it… - he replied, moving his hand through his hair, nervously.
- What about if I cut it, and put it like it was when we met? – I asked, my eyes shining with the enthusiasm.
- Okay, but, please, be careful – he asked, and I hugged him, excited. – I have this machine, in my bathroom, to depilate my body, but I think it’ll work on my hair, too.
We went to his bathroom, and I felt kinda awkward of being closed up with him, on his bathroom… there was a tiny sexual tension I was hiding inside of me, the most I could. He had brought a chair with him, and he sat down on it; he was with his back to the mirror, and his eyes were shut; out of nowhere, I heard him snoring.
I started the machine, and started cutting the hair; soon enough, half of his hair was on the ground, lying all around the chair, almost making some kind of fury carpet. I was admiring the carpet, and I didn’t noticed I had cut all of his hair out, and, when I eventually did, I got silent for a while, unable to close my mouth.
- Holy horny fuck! – I whispered, and he almost woke up. Almost.
I looked down at him; he actually looked pretty good, this way. He was… sexy, and his tattoos would show up better, especially the one on his neck I had always loved. Brushed his head, taking the little cut hairs from his head, and I got the chance to caress his cute face. I then got down in front of him, shaking him slightly, and trying to wake him up lightly.
- Frankie… wake up, sleepyhead – I whispered in front of him; then, I moved closer and my lips were right beside his ear. – Come on, honey, wake up.
He moved his head, turning to me, with sleepy eyes and a little smile on his face, which made me smile; but his smile didn’t lasted long.
- Why don’t I see my hair on my face? – He asked, getting a bit scared. – Or better, why don’t I feel any hair on my head?
- Hum, I cut it all off, by mistake – I said, and he looked at me shocked. – But don’t worry, you look pretty awesome this way – I continued, and managed to give him a nervous smile; he looked into the mirror and I looked away, not wanting to see his reaction.
I was feeling really bad for what I’d done to him, I was pretty sure he wasn’t gonna like it. And then he would blame me, and tell me just how dirty I was. Yes, he would tell me that, and I would shower hoping it would go away, even if it wouldn’t, for sure. I would rub my skin so hard it would almost bleed.
All of a sudden, I felt two arms around my neck, pushing me into a tight hug; I snapped my head to see Frank’s face, and he was smiling so hard I could guess it was hurting. I smiled back, and hugged him, letting my arms do exactly what they wanted: surround his tiny waist and gasp my fingers, as if I was never going to let him go. I don’t know why I was like that, but I was loving it.
- Thank you so much, Brit, it looks awesome – he whispered in my ear, and I could feel his fresh breath move into my neck, making me shiver.
- Anytime you want, Frankie – I replied, and smiled, even though he couldn’t actually see me.
We hugged each other for a while, but, suddenly, we both felt his phone shaking on his pocket, and he moved a little bit further from me, still keeping his left arm on my neck. When he got the phone, his eyes widened with surprise.
- Hi, Gee – he said, and looked at me worried.
- Fuck, Frank, you’re supposed to be here about half an hour, ago! Now you’ll have to rush, okay? I don’t care if you and Brit were doing it, or whatever, be here in five minutes, or I’m forced to kill you! – Gee said on the other side of the line, so loud I could hear him; Frank flushed by the “subtle” mention of sex with me, and I moved away from him, already knowing what he was looking for, with me.
Sex. Of course it had to be sex. I’m not worth anything else, I’m just a dirty girl who’s good in bed, nothing else. How could I ever thought Frank would want anything else? I’m so fucking dumb!
I got up, and left the bathroom, hiding my tears from the static Frank that was left in the bathroom, and went to his living room, since it was the only division from the house I knew, besides the attic, and I surely didn’t want to go to the attic. I sat on the couch, my head on my hands, and starting thinking of this odd day… I mean, how did Frank actually managed to put me in his house? Now I thought about that, I was really curious, how did he get me there? How the fuck he took me off my house and managed to carry me there? I didn’t even remember when I got black, on the shower…
- Brit, are you okay? – Frank asked, getting into the living room, and walking closer to me; I got up, and moved away from him, making him stop.
- How the fuck did you get me to your house? – I asked, my curiosity winning over my anger.
- Hum, you blacked-out, and I brought you here, after we went to the hospital… Do you even know what day is today? – He asked, confused.
- The same day as told us we were going on tour with you? – I stated, but I was so unsure it looked like a question.
- Nope, that was two days ago – he replied, as casual as if we were talking about the weather.
- What the fuck, Frank? When were you planning to tell me that? Or don’t you think that shit is important?! – I replied, really mad, now.
- Sorry, I totally forgot, okay? – He replied, raising his arms like I was a cop, and he was a criminal. – You know, with all that happened… This wasn’t what I had planned, at all – he continued, whispering, as if it wasn’t supposed for me to listen.
- Oh, of course it wasn’t! You were planning on some free sex, weren’t you? And you even told Gerard! That’s the worst part, you told your friend what you were planning to do, you went all bragging and shit, just ‘cause I used to be a whore… - I told him, really angry. – I know I’m fucking dirty, but fuck, you’ll not fuck me like that, you heard me? NO FUCKING SEX FOR YOU, ASSHOLE! – I screamed, and then we heard a shy knock on the door, and I turned to it.
I walked to the door furiously, since Frank stood paralyzed in the center of the living room, shocked at what I had told him. When I opened the door, Gerard was standing there, embarrassed at something I didn’t quite know.
- What’s up, Gerard? – I asked, my mad tone still persisted in my voice.
- Well, not that I have something to do with this, but you yelled a little bit too loud, you know? – He replied, still a bit embarrassed.
- And? You already knew about this, fuck. Oh, I just had an idea: go fuck with Frank, okay? And leave me fucking alone! – I demanded, and when I was about to leave, he stepped in my way.
- You’re not going anywhere, I’m here to pick both of you; we’re starting the tour today – he told me, and I rolled my eyes.
- I need my stuff, pick me at my house – I told him, trying to pass through him, but he didn’t let me.
- No fucking way. Christopher already took your shit, now, come on, get into the car while I’m going to get Frank – Gerard said, talking to me with such authority I felt like he was my father… and that actually scared me.
- Do… not… talk… to me… that way… - I asked, hyperventilating.
- Hey, are you okay? – He asked, and I sensed his worry, but I knew he was still mad at me.
- Don’t… don’t do it… don’t do it… don’t do it… - I kept repeating, and when Gerard moved a step closer, I moved back, falling to the ground. – Get away – I said, a tiny bit loud than I should; Frank heard me, and got back into the entry of the house.
- Holy fuck, Gee, what have you done? – Frank asked, angry filling his voice.
- Nothing! I just told her to get into the car, and she freaked out – Gerard replied, his eyes wide open.
- Did you tried to force her? – Frank asked, moving from the front of Gerard, to knee beside me, trying to calm me down.
- He… he was mad, he was all authority, and he… - I started saying, but Frank shushed me.
- I got it, no need more talk, honey… Come here, let me take you to the car – Frank asked, and got me up bride style. – Everything’s okay, honey, you’re here with me, I’ll keep you safe, ‘kay? – Frank asked, while he put me inside the back seat of Gerard’s car; he then closed the door, while I put on my seatbelt, and he got into the passenger’s seat, turning to me. – Are you okay, honey?
- Stop calling me that, Frank, I haven’t forgotten about the sex thing – I replied, my sad and frightened mood bursting into an angry one.
- But…
- Shut up. – I asked him, quietly; much to my surprise, he did shut up.
The travel onto the bus was quiet; no one ever talked, and the only sound was from the motor working, not even the radio was on. It was a death silence on the car, but I didn’t mind. Those two guys in the front of the car were the people I most hated, right now; I was pretty sure they were mocking me, in their minds… Mocking about me being dirty… speaking about dirty, I could really use a shower.

“Nothing can help this fucking pain in my heart,
nothing compares to this pain in my heart.
Nothing can take away this pain in my heart
but your blood on my hands, well at least it's a start.”