Next Level

Zander's Point Of View

A bit earlier that day

I was still shaking when I first walked into my English lesson. If Kyle wasn't there before, that guy would have punched me, and from the look of Kyle, it would’ve really hurt. A punch that was hard enough to hurt Kyle would probably be enough to knock me out.

I didn't even know the guy who did it, but from what I heard Kyle and Zack saying, it looks like they’ve come to their own conclusions over why he did it. According to them it was all because of the way I look.

How’s that meant to make me feel? I’m different to some people here but why should that even matter? I’d say that underneath the looks we’re all the same, but that’s not true either. I don’t think the same way as people like that new guy. I’d never act the way he did just because someone doesn’t look the way you’re used to seeing people. How twisted would you call someone like that?

My guess is that he’s had a hard life, but what sort of excuse is that? I’ve had things really bad and...

Who am I kidding?

I can’t say I turned out fine. No matter how much I want to.

Sometimes, I think that if it wasn't for everything that happened while I was younger, I wouldn't be like I am now. I’d be able to speak up for myself. I’d be stronger. I wouldn’t be scared of everything that life throws at me.

Could you really call me normal?

None of that even mentioned the biggest thing I could’ve done. The biggest label I’ll ever be given. I’m a murderer. I'm a bloody killer. No one could say I’m normal, that I grew up to be a good kid even after going through so much.

How many murderers have you heard about who are good people who were completely normal and didn't have any problems whatsoever? It’s not very often that I hear about them...

In English I was sat next to Kyle. Every single part of me felt guilty right now. Looking at him made me feel so horrible. He doesn’t have anything wrong with him, he isn't different, but he’s the one who was punished for it.

The bruising was starting to become a little clearer now and I couldn’t stop looking at it. Knowing that the pain he could be in is my fault is killing me.

“Sorry,” I whispered to him.

He looked at me with a weak smile before jokingly rolling his eyes at me. He always rolls his eyes. Sometimes it makes me think that he feels like he’s better than everyone else, but Zack says it’s just something that he does and I'm just looking into it too much.

“You’ve said that way more than you need to you know,” he told me. “I’ve said it doesn’t matter.”

“You’re hurt though.”

“I'm fine,” he hissed. “I can take a punch better than some people,” he explained, sounding kind of snappy with me right now.

“Look, Ky, what’s up?” I asked him. “And no, I'm not talking about the thing with the new guy anymore.”

“Nothing’s up,” he mumbled before looking away from me.

“You can tell me,” I whispered. “We’re friends now, aren’t we?”

He nodded at me but that was it. He didn't say anything to me.

“You seem...off,” I sighed.

“What’s that meant to mean?” he asked, still looking away from me.

“Has something happened?”

I decided not to answer his question; he knows what I meant.

“No,” he whispered, turning back to face me now. “Nothing’s happened so don’t worry.”

“If there is anything...I’m here,” I told him.

He smiled at me, looking like he was trying to hold back a laugh.

“I'm not the only one acting differently though,” he told me. “You’re a little nosier than normal.”

I nodded at him.

“I care is all,” I told him. “When you have someone who cares you should take advantage of it, not laugh in their face,” I whispered the last bit but I knew he still heard me.

People laughing at me makes me feel uncomfortable and I could tell that he was really wanting to laugh right now.

He rolled his eyes again before he settled down and started to do the work. Usually I’m the first one to start working; I suppose he just wanted the head start this time.

“I’m going to see Matt soon,” I whispered, making him look up from his book and stare at me.

“Why now?” he asked, obviously knowing as well as I do that I only see him in the afternoons.

“Just...because,” I whispered to him.

The truth is things have just been feeling like they’re too much for me right now. Sure I can manage to put on a happy face for my friends and act like I'm okay for them, but I'm not. I’ve been through a lot and... Never mind.

After what happened this morning, I feel even more shaken up than usual. That guy didn't know me, he just lashed out. Why at me though?

I guess I'm just being paranoid. When he came at me, I thought he might’ve known something. It was as if he knew that I'm a killer. Part of me was expecting him to be getting revenge and taking me out for what I’ve done.

I know that that’s a really stupid thought, but it’s the way I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Whenever someone looks at me funny, I get this feeling inside that’s telling me that they know what I did. No one can find out. What would happen to me if they did? Can you get a life sentence for murder? What about not telling the truth to start with? Everyone involved lied for me... I could’ve got them in so much trouble.

Going to Matt won’t help me with any of that. I can’t tell him anything. It’s the other stuff that he might be able to help me with.

No one knows about this, other than Matt and Cole, but I used to, well, hurt myself. Some people assume that I’ve done/do that, but they’re the only two who really know. It was when I was a lot younger that I did it and to be honest I still don’t understand why. Things were hard I guess, but that wasn't the reason I did it. I know that because I thought about it before everything kicked off and dad... I don’t need to talk about him anymore, so I won’t.

Things have been...Hard to deal with recently. In the past talking it out was helping me, but I can’t do it anymore. There’s just too much that I have to stop myself from saying and it’s hard, you know? I mean, my conscience is so guilty and I just want to get it all off my chest. I know I can’t do that though. So I just take it out on myself.

I'm going to talk to Matt about it today. I don’t like being and feeling like this. I don’t want to do the things that I do. So I'm going to him for help because I know he’ll be able to give it to me. I know he will...

“Something’s wrong, isn't it?” he whispered, looking really concerned.

I shook my head at him; I don’t need Kyle to worry about me.

“Just...just don’t tell Zack, he’ll get worried and... He doesn’t need to worry.”

“What’s up Zan?” he asked me, a serious look on his face, one that I’ve never seen on him before. Kyle doesn’t do serious.

“Trust me Ky,” I told him. “It’s nothing. The appointments just been swapped with someone else’s today,” I lied. “I don’t know why I just know that it has.”

He nodded at me, either believing me or just accepting that I didn't want to talk about it.

“Good luck,” he whispered to me.

“Thanks Kyle,” I smiled before I had to leave for my appointment with Matt. Let’s hope this goes well.