Back To December
It's Been A While
BTD 33
Paul's POV
I could feel my heart ripped out of my chest. I could feel it's ragged, weeping edges and then there was numbness.
But I couldn't make myself hate her. No, not her. Not Kara and all her loveliness, her sinful beauty, her soul,her goodness that she couldn't see, her mistakes....I love all of them still. Every part of her.
I couldn't hate her, no matter how much I wanted to.
No, I hated him. I hated what he did to her. To us.
I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip him limb from limb. I wanted to shred him to pieces, and burn the parts to ashes.
I pondered over thirty ways to kill him as sat on the seven hour flight back to Washington.
When the plane landed, and I followed the other passengers out into the crowd, Jared was there. As he always was.
His face was solemn and stone like, as he tried to reach out to me.
"Don't!" I hissed, flinching away from his hand. I snarled and he nodded, stepping back. We walked out of the crowded airport and into the parking lot.
" Paul," Jared said suddenly.
I turned to him.
" What?" I snapped.
He sighed, rubbing his temples.
" Don't be a dick. I'm not the one your mad at, dude. Give me your bags. I'll take them back to your place. You look like you need a run. "
I nodded, biting my lip. I clapped him on the shoulder.
" Thanks man, sorry." I handed over my bags.
He nodded, throwing them in the truck. He waved off as he pulled out of the lot.
I grumbled to myself, walking out of the lot and down into the depth of the woods.
I let the anger, and the hurt, and the pain overcome my humanity as I felt myself shift into my animalistic form, shredding my clothes.
And I ran.
Kara POV
**two weeks later***
Berlin, Germany
I rolled over on my side in the bed, staring at the wall.
" Kara, please!" Philly begged from outside the door," It's been weeks! It's time to face reality, Kara. He's gone! You can't let thus ruin your life!"
" FUCK YOU!'" I screamed, picking up a book from the bedside table and throwing it at the door.
They didnt understand.
Without Paul, my life has become an empty void. I wake up, go to a sound check, perform lifelessly at a concert, then go back to a hotel and cry myself to sleep.
It's routine.
" Fine!! Be all depressed. See if I care! But you need to be at the venue in an hour."
I heard his footsteps leave and then it was quiet.
I sat up in bed, resting my elbows on my knees and running my fingers through my hair.
I was suddenly hit with an idea.
I grabbed the pen and paper off the dresser, and started writing.
1hr later.
" Gimme a gutair" I demanded, right before we went on stage.
Chris looked at me like i was crazy.
" Why?"
I rolled my eyes," Just fuckin give me the gutair"
He shook his head. " No way"
I sucked in, turning to my last resort.
" Aaron, give me your guitar
He glared at me. I huffed," Look, buddy. After how you played a part in the biggest fuck up of my life, you owe me. Give.Me.Your.Guitar. " I poked his chest with each word.
He bit his lip, still glaring but handed over his red acoustic.
I smiled sarcastically, walking on stage, band behind me.
" I hope you know what your doing" Ali said as she walked by me to her drum set. I nodded.
" Theres just something I need to get off my chest. "
I stepped up to the front of the stage, grabbing the mic as I slung the guitar around my shoulder.
" Guten Tag, Berlin!" I greeted to the screaming crowd.
I sat on a nearby stool, motioning the band to not play.
" This afternoon, I wrote a song. A very personal song. And I wrote it for someone that I love that I hurt very badly. I hope you like it. It's called, 'Its been a while"
" It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted and
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and
It's been awhile
Since I've gone
And fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seemed to
Disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
And it's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
To be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on no other
All the blame lies here with me
And it's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry..."
I stopped strumming and looked up into the crowd. Their cheers and screens almost made me smile, but I didn't.
I still feel empty.
Paul's POV
I could feel my heart ripped out of my chest. I could feel it's ragged, weeping edges and then there was numbness.
But I couldn't make myself hate her. No, not her. Not Kara and all her loveliness, her sinful beauty, her soul,her goodness that she couldn't see, her mistakes....I love all of them still. Every part of her.
I couldn't hate her, no matter how much I wanted to.
No, I hated him. I hated what he did to her. To us.
I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip him limb from limb. I wanted to shred him to pieces, and burn the parts to ashes.
I pondered over thirty ways to kill him as sat on the seven hour flight back to Washington.
When the plane landed, and I followed the other passengers out into the crowd, Jared was there. As he always was.
His face was solemn and stone like, as he tried to reach out to me.
"Don't!" I hissed, flinching away from his hand. I snarled and he nodded, stepping back. We walked out of the crowded airport and into the parking lot.
" Paul," Jared said suddenly.
I turned to him.
" What?" I snapped.
He sighed, rubbing his temples.
" Don't be a dick. I'm not the one your mad at, dude. Give me your bags. I'll take them back to your place. You look like you need a run. "
I nodded, biting my lip. I clapped him on the shoulder.
" Thanks man, sorry." I handed over my bags.
He nodded, throwing them in the truck. He waved off as he pulled out of the lot.
I grumbled to myself, walking out of the lot and down into the depth of the woods.
I let the anger, and the hurt, and the pain overcome my humanity as I felt myself shift into my animalistic form, shredding my clothes.
And I ran.
Kara POV
**two weeks later***
Berlin, Germany
I rolled over on my side in the bed, staring at the wall.
" Kara, please!" Philly begged from outside the door," It's been weeks! It's time to face reality, Kara. He's gone! You can't let thus ruin your life!"
" FUCK YOU!'" I screamed, picking up a book from the bedside table and throwing it at the door.
They didnt understand.
Without Paul, my life has become an empty void. I wake up, go to a sound check, perform lifelessly at a concert, then go back to a hotel and cry myself to sleep.
It's routine.
" Fine!! Be all depressed. See if I care! But you need to be at the venue in an hour."
I heard his footsteps leave and then it was quiet.
I sat up in bed, resting my elbows on my knees and running my fingers through my hair.
I was suddenly hit with an idea.
I grabbed the pen and paper off the dresser, and started writing.
1hr later.
" Gimme a gutair" I demanded, right before we went on stage.
Chris looked at me like i was crazy.
" Why?"
I rolled my eyes," Just fuckin give me the gutair"
He shook his head. " No way"
I sucked in, turning to my last resort.
" Aaron, give me your guitar
He glared at me. I huffed," Look, buddy. After how you played a part in the biggest fuck up of my life, you owe me. Give.Me.Your.Guitar. " I poked his chest with each word.
He bit his lip, still glaring but handed over his red acoustic.
I smiled sarcastically, walking on stage, band behind me.
" I hope you know what your doing" Ali said as she walked by me to her drum set. I nodded.
" Theres just something I need to get off my chest. "
I stepped up to the front of the stage, grabbing the mic as I slung the guitar around my shoulder.
" Guten Tag, Berlin!" I greeted to the screaming crowd.
I sat on a nearby stool, motioning the band to not play.
" This afternoon, I wrote a song. A very personal song. And I wrote it for someone that I love that I hurt very badly. I hope you like it. It's called, 'Its been a while"
" It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted and
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and
It's been awhile
Since I've gone
And fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seemed to
Disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
And it's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
To be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on no other
All the blame lies here with me
And it's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry..."
I stopped strumming and looked up into the crowd. Their cheers and screens almost made me smile, but I didn't.
I still feel empty.