So Endlessly.
Truth.
“Jimmy…can we talk?” I was doing it. I was finally doing it.
For about five minutes, I had watched him secretly play at his piano. Well, our piano. Nonetheless, a fucking piano. It was the white one that he always had situated in the living room. If we had get-togethers, or whatever, he’d play for our friends.
Unexpectedly, he peeked over at me, mid-playing something new to show to the boys. Or, he’d already shown them. Who even knew? I didn’t really care. Nibbling my lip when he looked at me, I slowly dragged my feet to his position.
“You okay?” he asked, as always.
I inhaled deeply, shaking my head. Why’d he even ask? He knew me better than I did…
“I don’t know anymore… everything is flooding…”
Then he started again, with his fingers tapping on each note. It was kind of good background music, although I didn’t even know the lyrics. The notes were just gloomy, creepy… it gave me chills in a way. It was there that it hit me, that Jimmy wouldn’t be around for a long time…
“What kind of flooding?”
“The kind that floods your brain, and heart… I’m torn between two people…”
“Who?” why did I feel like he just knew what I was going to say?
“You…and Zack…” I barely spoke, just murmuring.
When I said the named, he missed a key, but otherwise continued with his piano playing. The weight on my heart crushed down heavier. Hurting Jimmy was the last thing I wanted, but I had to do it. My gut was telling me to. Telling me to get this off my chest.
“Go on…”
“I-I’ve been… in love with him.. Since…I met him…” Jimmy’s eyebrows furrowed in thought; his eyes locked onto his finger movements on the piano. There was nothing else being said, so I just continued. “B-but, I was closer to y-you… You saved me... I need you…”
“No, you don’t, Lil.. That’s the thing. If I left, you’d still be alive; you could make it on your own.”
“No…” I shook my head
“Sssh…stop crying…” he cooed, the music going quiet as he pulled me into his arms. Until he’d mentioned it, I hadn’t noticed I was crying. But now that he had, I could feel the warm tears run down my cheeks, betraying me. “It’ll be alright… I promise…”
As I pretty much sobbed against his chest, I could hear him humming that same tune, except it was more beautiful coming from his lips. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t let me go until I was okay again. That’s how it always was. It was why I was with him. His ability to drive me happy at my worst of moments.
“I hate me…”
“You won’t always hate yourself, Lily… It’ll get better, I promise. You just… have to promise me one thing, okay?” without hesitation, I nodded my head. For him, I’d give my life for. “You need to tell him how you feel.”
I inhaled deeply again at the thought.
“I can’t…”
“Why not?”
“You..”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay, I promise.”
Pushing my lips off to the side, I nodded my head. Somehow, I believed him. Jimmy sounded so sure of himself. Then, slowly, he started to push away, and I let him.
“Wha..-”
“Oh, there’s a party at Matt’s. Well, I think it’s just…a get together.”
I nodded my head, and got up from the piano. For some reason, I knew that he knew I wouldn’t go. Even if Zack would be there, I couldn’t take the courage to face all of our friends, knowing what I’d just done to Jimmy. Everyone loved Jimmy..
“I’m just going to stay here. I need to think… and sleep.” I nodded my head, so sure of myself.
“I know” he muttered, smiling his face Jimmy smile. “You’ll be okay for a day.”
“Promise?”
“Of course I do! I’m always right!” and he grinned, pulling me into his arms, giving me a bone-crushing hug.
It bothered me how okay with me he still was..
“I’ll probably see you in the morning, right?”
Jimmy nodded his head, kissing my forehead lightly, swaying slightly with me in his arms. For about five minutes, we were like that, just holding each other. That was one thing I’d miss, a lot. His arms were always comfortable and warm.
“See ya, Lily, I love you..”
“I love you too..” I murmured softly, and even if he had all reason not too, he leant down and kissed me.
I struggled under his height, and reached on my toes so I could kiss him back. Something about this kiss scared me. It felt final. Like a last goodbye. My heart caved. I didn’t like this, but I couldn’t pull away. These were the moments where I felt so torn, so fragile…
“I really have to go..” he murmured against my lips, his fingers curling around the back of my shirt.
“It’s only four…”
I could feel his smirk against my lips, his hands grasping my hips as he pushed me lightly against the wall. That was the thing… he was never hard with me. He was always so careful, like I was this fragile thing. I didn’t know what to make of it… I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. I was in that happy middle place with our sex life.
Too bad it never lasted long… I’d die for a longer moment with him. Just one…
For about five minutes, I had watched him secretly play at his piano. Well, our piano. Nonetheless, a fucking piano. It was the white one that he always had situated in the living room. If we had get-togethers, or whatever, he’d play for our friends.
Unexpectedly, he peeked over at me, mid-playing something new to show to the boys. Or, he’d already shown them. Who even knew? I didn’t really care. Nibbling my lip when he looked at me, I slowly dragged my feet to his position.
“You okay?” he asked, as always.
I inhaled deeply, shaking my head. Why’d he even ask? He knew me better than I did…
“I don’t know anymore… everything is flooding…”
Then he started again, with his fingers tapping on each note. It was kind of good background music, although I didn’t even know the lyrics. The notes were just gloomy, creepy… it gave me chills in a way. It was there that it hit me, that Jimmy wouldn’t be around for a long time…
“What kind of flooding?”
“The kind that floods your brain, and heart… I’m torn between two people…”
“Who?” why did I feel like he just knew what I was going to say?
“You…and Zack…” I barely spoke, just murmuring.
When I said the named, he missed a key, but otherwise continued with his piano playing. The weight on my heart crushed down heavier. Hurting Jimmy was the last thing I wanted, but I had to do it. My gut was telling me to. Telling me to get this off my chest.
“Go on…”
“I-I’ve been… in love with him.. Since…I met him…” Jimmy’s eyebrows furrowed in thought; his eyes locked onto his finger movements on the piano. There was nothing else being said, so I just continued. “B-but, I was closer to y-you… You saved me... I need you…”
“No, you don’t, Lil.. That’s the thing. If I left, you’d still be alive; you could make it on your own.”
“No…” I shook my head
“Sssh…stop crying…” he cooed, the music going quiet as he pulled me into his arms. Until he’d mentioned it, I hadn’t noticed I was crying. But now that he had, I could feel the warm tears run down my cheeks, betraying me. “It’ll be alright… I promise…”
As I pretty much sobbed against his chest, I could hear him humming that same tune, except it was more beautiful coming from his lips. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t let me go until I was okay again. That’s how it always was. It was why I was with him. His ability to drive me happy at my worst of moments.
“I hate me…”
“You won’t always hate yourself, Lily… It’ll get better, I promise. You just… have to promise me one thing, okay?” without hesitation, I nodded my head. For him, I’d give my life for. “You need to tell him how you feel.”
I inhaled deeply again at the thought.
“I can’t…”
“Why not?”
“You..”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay, I promise.”
Pushing my lips off to the side, I nodded my head. Somehow, I believed him. Jimmy sounded so sure of himself. Then, slowly, he started to push away, and I let him.
“Wha..-”
“Oh, there’s a party at Matt’s. Well, I think it’s just…a get together.”
I nodded my head, and got up from the piano. For some reason, I knew that he knew I wouldn’t go. Even if Zack would be there, I couldn’t take the courage to face all of our friends, knowing what I’d just done to Jimmy. Everyone loved Jimmy..
“I’m just going to stay here. I need to think… and sleep.” I nodded my head, so sure of myself.
“I know” he muttered, smiling his face Jimmy smile. “You’ll be okay for a day.”
“Promise?”
“Of course I do! I’m always right!” and he grinned, pulling me into his arms, giving me a bone-crushing hug.
It bothered me how okay with me he still was..
“I’ll probably see you in the morning, right?”
Jimmy nodded his head, kissing my forehead lightly, swaying slightly with me in his arms. For about five minutes, we were like that, just holding each other. That was one thing I’d miss, a lot. His arms were always comfortable and warm.
“See ya, Lily, I love you..”
“I love you too..” I murmured softly, and even if he had all reason not too, he leant down and kissed me.
I struggled under his height, and reached on my toes so I could kiss him back. Something about this kiss scared me. It felt final. Like a last goodbye. My heart caved. I didn’t like this, but I couldn’t pull away. These were the moments where I felt so torn, so fragile…
“I really have to go..” he murmured against my lips, his fingers curling around the back of my shirt.
“It’s only four…”
I could feel his smirk against my lips, his hands grasping my hips as he pushed me lightly against the wall. That was the thing… he was never hard with me. He was always so careful, like I was this fragile thing. I didn’t know what to make of it… I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it. I was in that happy middle place with our sex life.
Too bad it never lasted long… I’d die for a longer moment with him. Just one…