You Taught Me Love

Sunday

Frank's P.O.V.

Oh my, I just can't take this anymore. I had a pretty hot wet dream last night about Gerard and I, and I woke up so fucking horny. Yeah, I'm sure you were dying to know that, but whatever. The point is, though, that I decided that I couldn't wait for us to get to the chalet to make a move. Actually, I couldn't wait another hour.

I jumped in the first bus I saw, my bag in hand and my mind made up, and made my way through the city until I reached my loves apartment. I rushed up the stairs to the entrance of the building and rang the buzzer to his number, he let me in and I ran to his door, where I knocked three times before he let me in, a smile stretching almost from ear to ear.

I slammed the wooden door behind us and threw my bag on the floor carelessly, before lunging at the gorgeous creature looking me up and down. I wrapped my legs around his hips and attached my lips to his hungrily, threading my fingers through his jet black locks.

“Mm, hello sugar...” he mumbled against my mouth, bringing his hands to my ass for support.

I quickly shut him up by sliding my tongue between his silky lips, exploring his sweet cavity for the thousandth time, and he responded passionately, transforming the kiss into a sultry battle. I felt him stumble back a bit until we reached the couch, where I pushed him down in a lying position and pulled away from his mouth to attack his neck with nibbles and kisses.

“Well, someone is glad to see me!” he laughed, sending vibrations to my lips.

I moved to straddle him and immediately brought my mouth back on his to answer his comment. Everything was just getting too much for me, the way his hands snaked into my pockets, the way his warm lips danced against mine, the way his skin felt beneath my touch, the way his messy hair fell on the couch, the way his body fit so perfectly with mine, the way he smelled...

“Fuck me.” I whispered breathlessly in his ear.

Gerard's P.O.V.

“Baby, no... I... I can't.” I tried, already starting to feel anxious.

“Why not?”

“We could get into trouble...” I lied. Of course that wasn't the reason.

“The Hell with them all, I need you, Gerard.” he implored, his hand trailing down between us to unbuckle my belt.

NO! Not yet. I can't... I'm not ready for sex yet. I'm still so scared... I'm still too unstable. And, unfortunately, my abuser still hasn't been erased from my memories... Not at all. Imagine if, even for a second, Steve crossed my mind while we were intimate and I started crying, or worse: screaming at Frank to stop. I know that would hurt him so much more than just rejecting him now. I can't give in, I want our first time to be perfect.

There is always the option of opening myself and telling him the truth, the whole naked truth, but I don't know if I could handle putting my heart out again.

I remember when I had told Mikey. The day I admitted what had happened to me was probably one of the worst of my life. It had been so hard, it had hurt so bad to finally say it out loud. Each word I had spoken had been another slap to my face, another cut to my flesh. I had wanted the ground to swallow me and never give me back, I had wanted to die more than I ever had before. No words can explain how ashamed I had felt. I still do. I feel so fucking ashamed of all that happened to me. And when I had showed him the scars and the bruises...I saw the horrified look on my brother's face as he inspected my hideous body...

No. I couldn't go through that again anytime soon. I never want to feel so vulnerable again.
I have to be strong.

I was about to push Frank away when I felt his hand slide in my boxers and grip me firmly as he started to move it up and down. I bit my lip to hold back a moan, I couldn't let him know that I loved what he was doing to me. But it was getting arduous even to think straight... I hadn't been touched in a long time, and he seemed to know exactly how I liked it.

“Don't hold back. I wanna hear you.” he breathed against my lips.

*FLASHBACK*

Bang. Bang. Bang.

The bed knocked against the wall each time he pounded into me, and the pain shooting up my spine increased with every thrust. I could feel the blood trickling down my hips where his nails cut into my skin as he held me tighter and tighter.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

But that was nothing compared to what I felt emotionally. I felt like he had robbed my body and taken away everything I had, and left me like an empty shell that he took pleasure in crushing under his weight. He had taken my heart and my will and left me only flesh and bones. Flesh, bones and pain. He had made me believe that I was nothing more than what he used me for. I felt like a piece of meat, and I hated myself for it, more than I hated him.

“You... y-you're hurting me... stop, please.” I spoke between sobs, desperate for him to put an end to this nightmare.

“We both know you love it when I hurt you, sexy. Now moan for me, like the hot little bitch you are. Don't hold back. I wanna hear you scream.”

*end FLASHBACK*

“Stop! Please, get off of me!” I panted, panicked and feeling sick to the stomach. I knew it.

Frank's P.O.V.

“Okay, I have had it with this!” I exclaimed, complying to his wish as I got off of the sofa completely, standing near the coffee table instead. “Tell me what's up with you...”

“I... can't.” he mumbled, not even looking at me.

“Why do you keep playing with me like that?”
It was really messing with my head, the way he always gave me a little piece of heaven before snatching it back in a second. It was like every time I thought I had caught him, he slipped through my fingers like sand. It drove me mad.

“It's not... Like that.”

“Of course it is! Then why won't you have sex with me?” I know it had sounded a lot rougher than what I had meant for it to be, but I was getting quite pissed off and I didn't care much.

“...”

That's when it hit me. It was so clear, how could I have been so blind? The reason he wouldn't have sex with me was because... he didn't want to. As simple as that.

He wasn't attracted to me, he didn't love me.
I was only a joke.

But... all those sweet words, those thoughtful actions, those kisses... They had felt so real. Could it have all been a lie? Since I could think of no other explanation, I had to resign myself to admit this: I don't mean anything to him. Of course then, he would have no reason to be with me, would he?

Oh, I got it. It's a game, isn't it? Or a bet.
See how bad you can mess with this kid's feelings. See how many times you can bring down his hopes and break his heart. Let's make him fall in love with you, let's make him think you care about him. Let's fuck with his mind. Yeah, it'll be fun.
He probably wasn't even gay.
He doesn't want me.

It may seem irrational, but I couldn't seem to make sense out of anything, and this was the only answer I could come up with. This whole thing had made me crazy, but this was the most logical thing I could hang on to.

“You don't find me attractive.” I stated, because I was now convinced that it was the truth. “You don't love me, that's the problem.”

I saw his whole body freeze at what I said, and his eyes became wide and vacant. He didn't make a sound.
Ha. I knew I had struck a nerve there. I had been right-on.

“No. I love you... I really do.” he spoke in a mechanical voice, his mind evidently not even here anymore.
Yeah, I used to believe that, but I don't know why I've been so naive.

I can see now that he doesn't give a fuck about me.

“I can't do this anymore, I'm out of here. We're over. If «we» ever meant a thing.”

I grabbed my bag and walked out of Gerard's apartment, wiping my tears as I paced through the hallway.
To say the truth, I just wanted to run back in his arms and tell him I loved him, no matter what I actually meant for him. But I couldn't turn around. I couldn't let him see that he had won his cruel game.

Gerard's P.O.V.

I tried to sit down properly on the leather couch, but I desisted after realizing how much I was shaking. I get so weak.

He had just walked away... The best thing in my life had just fucking walked away, and he had taken whatever was left of my heart with him.

I'm such an idiot. I should have known.
Did I really think that someone could truly love me for who I was? I'm such an incompetent, empty, useless idiot. Who would want me for that?
Of course he had wanted to have sex with me. Of course he had wanted me for my body. I should have just gave it to him. Why had I tried to protect it? It's just a piece of meat after all.

I lifted my trembling palm to my pocket and pulled out my cellphone in an attempt to get the slightest light of comfort I could, because I knew if I stayed alone too long, I would end up dead.
If I was even still alive. Sometimes I wasn't sure if there was anything left beating in that cave.

I tried to dial the number I had called oh-so-many times before, but my fingers could hardly move.
Come on... come on...
After trying twice more, I finally managed to call my savior.

“Hello?” his soothing voice came from the small device.

“M-Mikey?” I choked out, my voice almost fading in a whisper.

“Gerard? Oh my God, what happened?”
He sounded so alarmed... He knew me too well.

“He... he left. Y-you were right. I wouldn't have sex with him. S-so he left.”
The words came out like razorblades, cutting up my throat as they went.

“...”

“M-Mikes?”

“I'm coming.”
He hung up.

As soon as I placed the phone on the table, I broke down in tears, not able to hold anything in anymore. I cried, and cried and cried. I cried icy tears that stung like a bitch. I wept like a widow and soaked my hands, but at this point I just didn't give a fuck. I hoped I drowned in these bitter tears, I hoped they stopped these painful breaths and just took it all away. I wanted nothing more than to sink so low I could never float back up.

I suddenly remembered something my brother once told me, and I knew I needed him now more than ever.
Tear. It can mean two things. What comes out when you cry, or what happens to your soul when you cry.

It does. It fucking tears apart.