You Taught Me Love

WARNING: saddening chapter.

Frank's P.O.V.

The Starbucks was quite full at this time of the day and people spoke loudly, laughing and chatting away their lunchtime. Michael and I stole glances at each other every couple of seconds, but we didn't dare say a word, the atmosphere between us still wasn't exactly friendly.

I held my Frappuccino on my crotch in an attempt to cool it off, to relieve the pain still tingling in my balls. He sure hadn't missed me. I'd have to get him back for this later on...
Mikey sipped his latte absentmindedly, pushing his glasses up on his nose again and again. I wanted to scream at him that they would keep on sliding down no matter how many times he did that, but of course I kept my mouth shut and just peered at him.

“Okay, well this is going to be harder than I thought.” he finally broke the silence, chuckling timidly as he looked up at me.

“Hm.” I answered, staring back at him.
He sighed, placing his coffee on the table and fidgeting on his chair, uneasy.

“I don't know how to start...” he mumbled.

“How about telling me who the fuck Steve is?”

“He's Gerard's ex.”

“Okay, that's a good start. And what did he do, for you to compare me to him?”
He blushed, lowering his gaze for a second.

“I'm very sorry about that. I didn't mean it, but it was an awful thing to say. You'll understand.”

“Well, please help, 'cause right now I'm completely confused...”

“Uh, I don't know how to do this. Look, first of all I have to warn you: what I'm about to tell you will change the way you see Gerard for ever. Okay?”

“In a good or a bad way?” I questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

“Both. Neither. Who knows? It doesn't matter. You'll never think about him the same way.” he rambled.

“Okay... Listen, just say it, it seems important. I wanna know what all this is about, you're kinda freaking me out.”
He took a deep breath.

“Here goes nothing.” he whispered to himself, closing his eyes.

“So...”
He opened his eyes in a flash and looked me straight in the pupils, a look I couldn't explain on his face.

“My brother was abused.” he confessed.

Whoa. Okay, I was not expecting anything like that. Not at all.

“I.. Uh. You mean...” I was at a loss for words. Many things were going through my mind, but nothing making any sense came out of my mouth.

“I mean his ex, Steve, used to abuse him. Verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. For almost three years, Gerard got raped frequently, yelled at, hit, beaten up, cut and burned by someone who was supposed to love him.” Mikey explained, still staring at me dead in the eyes. “And it was bad, Frank. Fucking bad. Gee used to take showers that lasted for hours, and then he'd get out telling me there was nothing to do, he was still dirty. He'd puke more than what's bearable for a human being, I don't even... Uh, it was heartbreaking. He would never let anyone take a picture of him, and he avoided mirrors like plague. He used to come back to me bleeding from everywhere, crying and limping, sometimes even with broken bones. You got that? Broken goddamn bones.”

I think I felt my heart break in my chest at the horrendous words I was hearing, and I couldn't believe that such things had happened to the most wonderful, nice man I had ever met. I didn't want to believe it. Thoughts and voices screeched in my aching head and I felt like it would explode at any second, like a storm locked in my brain and dying to rip out of my skull. Every sound Mikey made came out clear to me despite the noises battling between my ears and hit me like a rock, hurting and shocking, disturbing and tormenting me.

He took a pause to drink some more of his latte and sighed once again before continuing his speech.

“Steve hit him hard enough to break bones... And sometimes I couldn't even recognize my own brother under the bruises. One time the bastard threw him out of his house for the night and locked him outside with no clothes on, can you imagine? Uh, just to say, it was fucking bad.”

There was still a point that wasn't making too much sense to me. I was almost sure Gerard worked out, and he looked very strong, so...

“Couldn't he fight back? Gerard's a pretty muscular guy, isn't he?”
My mind didn't want to process the fact that my baby had been treated like trash by his ex for years, without defending himself.
Mikey nodded sadly, seeing what I meant.

“You have to understand that Gee could never hurt a loved one. At the time, he though he loved Steve; he had fallen for him hard and was blind to the things he did to him. I know he had the strength to fight back physically, but not mentally. He could never bring himself to raise a hand on someone he cares about, not even to stand up to our father when he hit him the day he learned his son was «queer». Gerard is way too emotional when it comes to things like violence. He would knock out people that hurt him or his family, but never anyone he loves, even if it's those who gave him the most hell. It can be a fucking problem, really.”

“...”
I didn't know what to say, I couldn't comprehend how people could be so bad to such a good man. This world can be so ugly.

“Unfortunately, Steve didn't feel the same at all and hurt him shamelessly any time Gerard didn't answer to his every wish. He was a junkie and an alcoholic, too. He probably didn't even remember half the stuff he did to my brother. To give you an idea, I'd have to take Gerard to the hospital at least once a month. And every time, he'd tell me he just got in a bad fight, fell down the stairs or some bullshit like that. Of course I suspected something was happening with Steve, I mean... He spent every minute he wasn't too badly injured or in school with his boyfriend. But when I tried to talk to my brother about it he just laughed and told me not to worry about it, that Steve would never hurt him and that they were perfect for each other. Yeah, my ass. Well, one day he admitted everything and I reported it to the police. We got the son of a bitch arrested, got through the trial and now Steve's in jail. But Gerard's still pretty sensitive about everything sexual since then and he's still been quite depressive from time to time. But it used to be much worse, he was almost constantly depressed and he would never tell me why, and sometimes he just got angry at me for asking if he was alright, which of course he wasn't.”
Mikey took off his jacket and rubbed his nose, mumbling something incomprehensible. I could tell he was preparing for more explanations. On my side, I was thinking about the different ways I could kill the fuck-head ex, 'cause by me jail was nowhere close to what he deserved.

“Frank...” Mikey started, tears starting to form in his eyes,, immediately bringing me out of my furious thoughts. “Do you have any idea what it's like to come back home after an exhausting day at college... to find someone you love, the person you care the most about holding a cold gun against his own temple? Twice? And having to talk him out of committing suicide when you don't even know why he wanted to? And throwing the gun out while he screamed that he had to die and you weren't letting him? It's the worst fucking thing in the world.”

Fuck.
It got hard to breathe as I thought over what Mikey had just worded to me.

Silence.

“Thank God things have gotten so much better for him... “ he changed the subject, now looking down at his coffee cup. Bi-polar much? “Now he has a good job, his own apartment, a car, and... well he used to have a boyfriend that seemed to make him happy.”

Oh, right. That's me.
I'm such an ass hole. I'm such a fucking ass hole! I had gotten it all wrong, made rushed assumptions and hadn't given Gerard a chance. I hadn't believed him and left him when he probably needed me the most. He must have been destroyed, he must be feeling like shit now, because of me.
I hated myself, hated my guts and just wanted to make everything better again, I wanted to love him with all my heart and give him all the time in the world to tell me what he felt. I wanted to listen to him, reassure him and take him back in my arms, if he still wanted to be there.

“Oh my goodness... Now I understand why you were so pissed off. I didn't know, but... I acted like such a bastard, I was really only thinking about how I felt, and... poor Gerard, I... Oh my goodness...” I said, passing a hand through my hair and clenching my fist on the table.

“I know you feel bad about what happened this morning, and I'm not saying you shouldn't, but I want you to know it's not your fault. Well not entirely. Gerard should have told you all this, no matter how hard it was to talk about it. You deserved to know, and keeping it from you was a big mistake he made.” Mikey told me, but I knew I was the one who had made the biggest mistake.

“Holy shit, Michael... Your brother's still alone in his apartment. Do you think I should go back to him? Do you think he still wants to see me?”

“We definitely shouldn't let him on his own there... I was supposed to meet him and be there for him a long time ago. He must be worried now, and I don't like how he sounded on the phone...You should go. Now.”

“Do you think there's any chance we'll get back together?” I asked him, wanting to be the one that would always be there for Gerard. Every moment I had spent with him had been better than anything else I had lived, even when we were fighting. I knew I was made for loving him and it was all I wanted to do.

“I hope so. Even though I hate to admit it, and I'm still septic about your relationship, I think you were good for Gerard. In a way. I know he loves you, and he probably wants to see you, yeah.”

“Mikey, I was such an idiot... But I love your brother, so much, and I'll do all I can to make this better. Thanks for telling me about Steve, so many things make more sense now, even though I wish I hadn't found out like this.” The truth is, I wished those things had never happened at all, Gerard didn't deserve shit that fucking Steve made him go through.

“Hm. Look, there's still one thing I have to tell you though.” Mikey said, exhaling slowly as he got on another touchy topic. “I hadn't thought about it before, but if you guys are ever gonna get intimate, there's something you'll have to see one day or another, and I think it'll be better if I warn you first. The bruises are probably gone now, but all that left lots of scars, you know? Horrible scars. That's why he never takes his shirt off unless he's alone. Trust me, I saw the marks once and... It made me want to cry every drop of water in my body. And the one on his back... I can't even say it. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't imagine what he's really gone through. Anyways, I just wanted to warn you that his body isn't exactly... what it seems like. Some of the things you'll see are... repulsing, but please don't let it show. He hates his body like hell.”

From what I had seen, his body was gorgeous, but I guess he had hidden it well. Oh fuck, all those times I pressured him to take his clothes off...

“You think I should ask him to show me before we do anything?” I asked, biting my lip.
I wanted to take the time to talk about it and take things slow with Gerard now that I knew what he had lived. I had to straighten things out between us before I could even let myself think about doing anything that involved him being naked with me.

“Maybe. Yeah, if he agrees it would help a lot if you saw before... you know.””

“Hm.”

“Right. Let's go, I hate leaving him alone in a moment like this.”

“Yeah. God, I have to comfort him, I want to hug him, and make him understand what a wonderful person he is. I hope things will get better between us soon.”

“Me too. Come on, I'll drive you back to his street. I'd want to come with you to see him, but I think I should leave you guys alone for now. Call me if you ever need help, okay? Here's my number.”
He scribbled on a napkin and handed it to me before getting up and grabbing his jacket.

“Here we go.”

I threw away my Frapuccino and looked down at my painful groin. I'd still have to take a little revenge on the brother for kicking me in the sweets, no one gets away with that.

But for now I have other preoccupations.