Hold Me, Show Me.

I deserved that.

The yelling, screaming and the anger; I deserve all that. In my honest opinion I should get more than that for what I put you through daily. I’m sorry for that; you have no idea how badly I am.

I see what I do…but at the same time it’s so obvious to me. Most of the time I never notice until you ask: “Will you hold me?” “Can you hold my hand?” “Can you kiss me?” and so forth. I just never notice that I don’t do those simply lovely things that you like doing so much. Their just so…foreign to me.

And I’ve never told you why I don’t willing do simple affectionate things with you. It’s not that I don’t love you and trying to push you away. Not at all. I love you so much and I never want to push you away. You mean so much to me so there is never a way I could ever do that to you.

I feel pathetic for admitting this but I don’t know how to show affection.

I never have really. I wasn’t shown it growing up and I was never taught how. It sounds stupid and pathetic but it’s true. My parents rarely expressed affection, once we weren’t babies anymore we got nothing like that. No hugs, kisses or any loving touches. My parents were practically heartless like that it seemed, but it was just because they never knew how to show it either.

I’m scared of it – that’s why I seem like I push you away. You hug me and all I know to do is to hug back, but when you do something like rest you head on my shoulder, what do I do? When your upset how can I make you smile again? When you’re crying how can I stop your tears?

I just don’t fucking know! It frightens me.

I only know how to love at a distance.

Distance is killing us and I create it.

I’m so sorry love.

Sniffling I glanced down at the short note I written on paper that had more tear stains than ink. I frowned and dropped the pen onto the kitchen table besides it before turning away walking out of the room.

Sharp stabs of guilt twisted my stomach as I lay down on our shared bed. I should have told him that ages ago; way back when we were just friends, but I didn’t. It kills me that I kept that a secret but I had to. I feel pathetic at myself enough knowing that, than the person I love knowing that and thinking I’m stupid for it.

It’s probably the biggest thing I hate about myself. I can’t even show the person I love that I love him. It hurts but there is nothing that I can do because I don’t know and will probably never know how. He’ll leave me for it. Why would he want to be with someone that can’t show affection?

Choking back a sob I rolled up on my side and shoved everything to the back of my head. My body shook as I started to cry once again since the fight this morning which lead to him walking out the house and slamming the door behind him.

I’ve never seen him that angry and upset before…and I was the one that made him like that.

A sob ripped from my throat and I buried my tear streaked face into his pillow. I clutched the pillow as close to me as I could…like if it was him in a way.

The feeling of something light and feathery moved across my cheek and neck pulled me out the light shitty sleep I was in. I sighed lightly and pulled the pillow closer to me if that was even possible. The feathery feeling went away. I sighed again and started to let myself fall back to sleep.

Something small and wet like a raindrop pulled sleep right away from me when it hit my cheek and slid around to the back of my neck. I shivered and slowly fluttered my hazy eyes open. I groaned lightly and went to roll over but someone’s arm wrapping around my waist made me jump in shock. I leapt away from the person in fright.

When I saw it was him, my heart almost shattered; from what I had done yet again and how he looked. His eyes were puffy; nose was red and tears slowly leaking from his eyes.

I did that. I made him cry…and I can’t fix it. My own eyes started to water up again.

I looked down and noticed the note I had left on the kitchen table in his hand that was resting on the bed.

“Is this true?” He whispered.

My mouth felt suddenly dry. I nodded and tried to look away but he brought his hand up and cupped my cheek so I couldn’t look away.

I frowned more if that was possible as a small tear fell from the corner of his eye. I watched as it rolled to his chin and drip down onto his shirt. It hurts to see him cry, but it was also like I couldn’t look away even when he removed his hand.

I wanted to do something about it, but what can I do?

“What do you feel like doing now?” He whispered.

I knew what he meant as I watched another tear slowly fall cracking my heart more.

“I…don’t know.” I breathed.
“Don’t think just feel.”

I blinked coming up short. I don’t even know what I feel. I don’t even know what to think. How am I meant to know how to stop him from crying?

“I don’t-I can’t…How?” I splattered confused.

I lifted up my knees to my chest and braided my shaky fingers into my hair and pulled. He quickly reached forward and pulled my hands away from my head. My eyes met his and I could see him ask that question again with his eyes. I shook my head starting to panic pulling my hands away.

I am so pathetic, I can’t do this.

“It’s alright calm down.” He whispered voice watery. “Look at me hun.”

I looked back at him sinking my teeth down on my bottom lip. I slowly watched as another tear fell down his face. I’m just hurting the both of us more than anything. Why is he even here on this bed with me? Why would he waste his time with me?

“Don’t think; just do what you feel even if you think that it’s wrong or stupid. Just do what you feel.” He said strongly. “In the letter you wanted to know what to do to stop me crying, so feel and find out.” He said voice cracking twice.

I chewed down on my lip more and slowly nodded my head. He moved closer to me on the bed so he was sitting somewhat in front of me. I swallowed down hard and closed my eyes. I could feel his eyes on me as I attempted shoving as much thoughts to the back of my head as possible.

I took a deep breath and started to feel my arm lifting up slightly almost as if on its own. I slowly fluttered my eyes open to come eye to eye with him. My hand rose up to the height of his face. Very slowly and gently I placed my palm on his damp cheek. Shaking slightly I slid the pad of my thumb over the skin whipping away the tears.

His eyes fluttered closed and he lent his head into my hand. Slowly a small beautiful smile started to form on his lips. Silent tears started to fall from my eyes. I’m…I’m…

A sudden sob burst from my lips making his eyes snap back open full of worry. I pulled my hand away from his soft skin because of how much it was shaking; how much my whole body was shaking. More slight sobs escaped.

He moved onto his knees wrapping his arms around me gently. I felt his fingers start to run through my hair and for once it didn’t scare me as much. He slowly pulled me down so we were lying side by side. I grabbed a handful of his shirt as I moved as close as possible shaking badly.

“It’s alright, shhh.” He whispered into my ear. “You did great.”
“R-really?” I snuffed.
“Yeah, I was expecting a simple hug, but that was exactly what I wanted.”

I sniffed a little more and slowly let go of his shirt. Carefully and unsure I slowly let my arm wrap around his waist hardly touching him. When I felt him nod I knew I was doing something right.

“I’m going to teach you.” He said suddenly.
“W-what?” I splattered snapping my head up to see his face.

He smiled softly down at me and kissed my cheek. Successfully making me blush. He chuckled lightly eyes now fully dry.

“I’m going to teach you how to show affection, I don’t care how long it takes – I’m going to teach you.”
“Why would you even waste your time to do so?” I whispered.
“Because I love you.”

Tightening my arm that was around his waist I smiled which made him smile as well.

“I-I love you t-too.” I whispered.

His eyes widened in shock, which was understandable because I have never said it before. I’ve written it but never said it. While he was still shocked I quickly pecked his lips and buried my head into his chest shyly.

He laughed lightly and started running his fingers through my hair again. A small but timid smile pulled at my lips.