What We Both Have Here.

“Why us?” He whispered voice flat and saddened. “Why all the good people?”

With dull eyes he looked down at his feet as a warm cloud of moisture came from his lips when he sighed. The old rusty chains on the swing squeaked in protest from the light weight and the cold chill that was in the night air.

“Does anyone ever know?” I echoed softly. “Maybe it always seems to be the good people that get it bad because there is always someone to care for them, when this happens to someone that no one cares about; it goes unnoticed.”

I watched as his eyebrows knotted in thought, but his eyes never left the ground. Letting out a yawn which made a white cloud in front of my face, I moved my weight against the swing set frame. My eyes were screaming to close for sleep but the pleas once again went unnoticed.

Chandra turned his head and looked at me; his eyes dull with heartache but still piercing.

“You should go before you fall asleep where you stand.” He stated simply but with a slight soft tone.

I scoffed lightly, though what he said was probably true. Chandra looked away from me but I saw the flicker of worry behind the dullness. I gritted my teeth together to hold back another yawn as I pushed my warn body from the frame. I took the few short steps to be standing in front of him. When he noticed me in front of him he looked up slowly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said softly.
“I’ll be around early.”

I nodded bending down slightly so I was closer to his level. Gently I lifted my hand up and ran my fingers softly down the side of his face. The smallest of smiles touched his lips but to me it was much brighter than anything. I smiled softly in return as I turned away and headed out of the slightly overgrown backyard without another word.

Less than twenty minutes later my feet stepped on the front step of my house. Yawning loudly I fished the keys from my pocket and slid them into the lock. As I heard the click, the door swung open allowing me inside where the cold hit me as hard as a brick. I groaned quietly and closed the door of the dark house.

~

Just the simple light sound of my bedroom door opening was enough to wake me from my dozing. Soft footsteps echo throughout my bedroom but I didn’t move or even open my eyes to show that I was awake. The bed sunk down behind me with a squeak and it took all I had not to turn over and cling to Chandra’s warmth. He had only walked in and the room was already a few degrees warmer.

“Why do you always have your room so cold Tanna?” I heard him whisper to himself.

The bed shifted more as he moved and it took a long moment with my sleep fogged mind to figure out that he had lied down next to me. I heard him yawn lightly letting his warm breath fan against the back of my neck. Shivers rippled down my spine and I didn’t do anything to hide them.

“Tanna, you awake?”

I turned over so I was facing him but still didn’t open my eyes, that enough would have shown I was awake. Well, awake enough to know what is going on around me.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked letting his breath fan across my face this time.

I don’t want to lie to him without reason so I shake my head. I could practically feel his frown.

“Since when do I sleep well anymore?” I croaked, my voice breaking a few times from lack of sleep.

I coughed to clear my throat as I felt Chandra’s fingers grazed over my cheek gently. He hummed in understanding before pulling his hand away. A small part of me wanted to whine at the loss of contact.

How come we see what we both have here, but don’t let each other fully have it?

“How was your night?” I whispered.
“I dreamt of my brother again.” He said with dullness leaking back into his voice, where I know it probably would linger for the rest of the day. “Always the same dreams but different.”
“At least you got to sleep.” I pointed out lightly.
“Yeah…though I would give up a night of dreams happily if you could sleep well for once.”

I smiled hearing that and flickered my eyes open, for a moment everything was blurry but it became clear quickly. I glanced up at Chandra, locking eyes with him before tearing my eyes away, because seeing his heartache was just as bad as feeling my own.

“Why don’t you try and sleep again?”
“What’s the point-“
“I’ll stay if you like.” He said cutting my protests off with a soft voice.

I shut my mouth and said nothing as I snuggled down into my bed once again. I know I’ll just drift in and out again, but it was better than nothing. It was like I had a switch in my head that didn’t turn off for sleep anymore; it wouldn’t let my mind rest.

“Please stay.” I breathed before yawning.
“I’m not going anywhere.”

~

The familiar sound of the gate swinging open never ceased to make me feel sick to my stomach. Besides me Chandra flinched noticeably but shook his head and headed inside clinching his hands into fists by his sides.

I took two steps and froze. I haven’t been back here since her birthday, which was over ten months ago. Even that day took me a week of coming here and standing at the gate. If someone was to ask me what my most hated place was, I would say here, without a second of hesitation.

“Tanna?” Chandra called.

I forced myself to take another step but no more as my stomach lurched dangerously. I held my breath and lent over slightly clutching around my waist. Why always here? Then again I always know to the answer to my question. I was here, I can never stand to be here and I could never suck it up as much as Chandra does to even just walk past the gate alone.

“Are you alright?”

I didn’t say anything as I shook my head. If I was to open my mouth with my stomach like this…

I bit back a groan as my stomach suddenly twisted dangerously again.

Just as sudden Chandra was in front of me and taking my arms away from my midsection so gently it felt like the touch was taking the edge of the nausea with it. He dropped one hand but kept the other clasped in between his. With just one look in his eyes I knew what he wanted to say and nodded.

I’m not leaving you; just like you won’t leave me.

“It’s going to be alright, you-we can do this.”

I nodded again and took a long slow shaky breath to try and settle my guts. Chandra clutched his other hand into a first like before and shuffled slowly forward past the gate. As I took my first step my hands started to shake. I tried to stop it but failed, even he clutching my hand in his didn’t stop it completely.

To be honest I loathe this place…but at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to hate it entirely. This place in a way brought us together even closer and made me realise how much we both needed each other – something I failed to notice before when we were just simply friends.

Now we are all each other has and probably all we we’ll ever have.

Really, that’s all either of us needs.

Before I could even think much about it, the horrid gate was meters behind us and the path narrowed in with the edges half covered with overgrown grass. Once we got towards the trees the path turned into a wide concrete walkway covered with dead leaves that moved in the wind.

The place always looks like it hasn’t been visited in months; it looked so…old and warn – just like I feel from the lack of sleep I never can shake off – but I know for a fact people come here daily to see lost loved ones. I hate cemeteries; they bring up to many old memories, mostly the painful ones.

Suddenly Chandra froze without warning almost making me trip over. I didn’t let go of his hand when I turned to look at him, to see his head down and saddened eyes focused on the ground. My stomach lurched lightly but I ignored it and tightened my grip on his hand.

“Chandra?”
“Sorry.” He muttered shaking his head. “Just-I just need a minute.”

I nodded and waited silently just playing with his fingers to distract me from my turning stomach. He must have known that was why I was doing that because he didn’t ask or pull his hand away.

“Are you feeling alright now?” He asked after a couple of minutes.
“Alright as I can be in here.” I sighed, ignoring the twisting again.
“Then let’s hurry and see them.”

He pulled on my hand and wondered up the line of stones and markers with numerous amounts of names. It didn’t take long to find the two we came here for: my cousin and his brother. Who both sadly died together in a car crash on their first official date, a driver high on drugs hit their car almost a year ago.

Today would have been the anniversary of them becoming a couple, too bad they didn’t have a long time to be one.

“Hey cuz.” I whispered so quietly even I could barely hear it.
“Hi.” Chandra muttered from besides me.

After that we didn’t say anything, nor let go of each other’s hands. Sighing lightly I lent down slowly to picked up one of the vases that had fallen over with plastic faded coloured roses. The vase wobbled once it was up right but didn’t fall again, the bottom must be uneven. I should buy new flowers to place there too.

I looked over at Chandra, to make sure he was alright and noticed him just staring at his brothers stone with a blank face but his eyes, for once, weren’t dull at all instead too many emotions twirled around. He must be remembering something of the past.

I tighten my grip briefly on his hand once again before standing up fully. I tore my eyes away from him and down at my cousins stone. Every time I look at it her favourite saying would be one of the most noticeable things on it, other than her name.

‘Don’t think; just feel and never ask ‘why?’ to your head.’

Simple and straight to the point.

My eyes then wondered up to her name and I felt like losing my lunch once again. I leant over slightly and started breathing in and out of my mouth to calm my sudden spiked heart rate.

“Ready to go?” I breathed.

He nodded silently and started leading me away back to the walkway. I waved at the two stones before looking away and down at the ground by my feet. We wasted no time in getting out of there; I feel bad about that…but neither of us can stand being there. I always wonder if we ever will.

We still go even for the shortest time, that had to count for something at least, I guess.

It took less time to get out of the grounds then it did going in there. Once we were outside the gate Chandra let my hand go to shut it. I kept walking until I got a few meters away. A loud groan slipped past my lips when once again my stomach twisted sickly.

Two warm hands were placed on my shoulders making me turn around. I gasped lightly at how striking his eyes were and waved a little on my feet. He moved one hand and cupped my forehead, then my cheek.

“I’ll be fine, just give me a moment or two.” I gasped.
“You sure?” He asked worried, moving his hand to my forehead again.
“Yeah, it’s just being t-there.”

I looked away from Chandra making him drop his hand from my face. I sighed and turn to look at him again after a few seconds. A frown was pulling at his lips and his body was tight with worry. When I see him like that I always just want to wrap him up into my arms and run off with him.

How come we see what we both have here, but don’t let each other fully have it?

Don’t think, just feel…

I see what we both have here and for once someone is going to do something about it. I want, no, need to have it.

Stepping forward I brought my hands up to his face, just barely touching the skin. I saw the confusion flash through his eyes as I took the last step.

My lips landed half on his, or better saying; I kissed the corner of his lips. I pulled away from him to see his shocked face. His eyes were wide and many emotions swirled behind the shock. I bit down on my lip and let his face go.

I backed up and walked away slowly down the street in the direction on my house. I felt his eyes on my back but I didn’t turn around.

I only got to the end of the block before I finally lost my lunch in the closest bush. I swayed on my feet again but stood up and kept walking. I heard footsteps behind me, if they were Chandra’s or not I don’t know. I didn’t look; I just kept walking for my bed.

~

After stumbling through my house like an idiot for a bit longer than necessary I finally got to my bedroom and let myself fall face first onto my bed. My tired body melted into the mattress and the mass of scattered pillows and blankets that littered the piece of furniture.

At least being home now my stomach felt better, though that could have also been because it was now empty…or my body was too tired to vomit again. Or that I finally did what I wanted to do for a year now; kiss Chandra.

Sighing I rolled over shoving the thoughts of my sick stomach back and let my eyes close.

I wish I could just sleep and let my body shut off for once. I’m just so tired and being back there today did not help how exhausted I felt. I could cry; that’s how bad I wanted to sleep.

The front door down the hallway creaked open then clicked shut followed by footsteps heading to my bedroom. I groaned lightly when the room light switched on. I grabbed the closest thing to me –the corner of my blanket – and pulled it over my head.

“Too bright, too bright.” I muttered.
“Sorry.”

The bed sunk down next to me and I could feel the warmth radiate off of Chandra. His arm was milometers from mine. The bit of blanket that was over my face moved off followed by soft fingers grazing my skin.

His fingers ran over all my features before trailing down my neck. I sighed softly and lent into the touch a little, still with my eyes closed.

“Please don’t walk off like that when you’re not feeling well again.” He whispered. “Sorry I froze like that…I just wasn’t expecting that right then.”
“Don’t apologise, it’s understandable-“

A soft feather touch on my lips completely cut me off. I gasped slightly and before I could add pressure the feeling was gone. I forced my eyes open, noticing he had turned the light back off again leaving the room dull and him looking down at me while resting on his elbows.

He lent down slowly again so his lips were just barely touching mine. I swear I saw a smile, a better smile than the one he showed on the swing last night.

“Now were even.” He mumbled with his breath hitting my lips.
“No we’re not.”

I pushed my lips onto his and let my eyes flutter shut after his did. There was no tongue or teeth – it wasn’t needed. Just smile lip to lip touch was more than enough. We both finally have what we wanted, no needed; each other fully.

Me yawning ruined our kiss but I couldn’t hold it back. My head feel back to the pillow and yawned again loudly.

“Stay.” I muttered.
“I have nowhere else to be.”

I was just about to ask him to hold me or let me curl up in his side, but he must have read my mind because he rolled me onto my side before wrapping my arm over his waist before doing the same to his arm around me. I shuttered and curled in closer.

I suddenly felt the warmest I’ve been in ages; the house didn’t feel cold to me, like it always was.

“You can sleep now.” Chandra whispered.

I felt like if something clicked in my head; like if the switch that had been keeping me half-awake for so long had turned off. Everything suddenly went dark, warm and peaceful.

And I know when I wake up Chandra will still be lying in my bed with me in his arms.

Maybe even with one of his smiles brightening the room.