It's Not A Question But A Lesson Learned In Time

I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling I was just going over certain things. Namely the argument dad and I had just had. But also back to two years ago. I could remember the day so clearly as if it had only just happened, and I’m sure I just feel worse each time I think about it. My mind was showing it to me in the order it happened, which I suppose was the way it makes the most sense, I just wish I could block it out. I didn’t want to relive it again, especially not right now.

“Dad! Hurry up. I’m hungry!” I complained again as he casually strolled up the street, walking back from Mike’s house.
“What’s the rush?! You’re always speeding off. Why can’t you just… well, slow it down a bit!” he chuckled at me before continuing his casual stroll up the road, whistling the tune of ‘The Great Escape’.

We finally got back, and my dad unlocked the door, leaving me to walk in behind and shut it. I turned around and walked straight into my dad’s back. He was stopped dead in front of me, blocking the hallway almost completely.
“Dad? Helloo?”
“F-Frankie. I need you to promise me something.”
“O.k...?”
He turned around. He had tears shining in his eyes, and that really scared me. He put his hands on my shoulders and gripped them quite tightly.
“I need you to go back to Mike’s house. Run there and stay there. Please don’t ask why. Just stay there until I call Mike and explain. Please just go.”

I was utterly confused, but after years of questioning, I knew my dad didn’t say this stuff if he didn’t have a good reason. I left the house again and ran around the corner to Mike’s, thanking god that he didn’t live miles away.
I knocked and waited for Mike to answer.
“Hey kiddo, you forget something?” I shook my head, trying to catch my breath. “What’s up?" He sounded slightly concerned now.
“I don’t know.” I mumbled. Apparently something from the look on my face told Mike how I was feeling, as he pulled me into a tight hug. I was scared, just at the fact my dad had been about to cry. He never cries, unless something really bad has happened; that’s how I know something was wrong.

I told Mike what had happened as he sat me down in the den and gave me a glass of water, my hands were shaking from running as far as I did and from the worry that was taking over my mind.

We sat in silence. Mike put on the TV to try and keep us occupied, but I couldn’t watch it, and I could tell he couldn’t either; he kept glancing over at me. It seemed like an eternity before my dad finally rang Mike. Mike took the phone in the kitchen while he was talking, but I heard a bit of what he was saying.
“Oh shit… Shall I tell her? … Ok, we’ll just meet you there. Don’t worry Bill. I’m sure it will be ok.”
That really doesn’t sound good.
“Frankie? We’d better go.”He said as he walked back into the room. It was his turn for his hands to shake, his face was suddenly pale and it was really freaking me out.
“Where?”
“…Hospital.”
“What happened?” I asked, following him out to his car.
“Maybe we should wait until we get there.”
“Mike! I don’t care who tells me, or when. Just tell me what the hell’s going on!” I practically screamed at him. His hands tightened on the wheel.
“Ok. You-your moms been attacked. She’s in the ICU.”
I shrank back into my seat.
“I’m sorry kid.”

I didn’t say anything; I just began to stare out of the front, holding back the tears that were threatening to fall. I remained silent for the rest of the journey, and even after we had got to the hospital, I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

We found my dad sitting in the waiting area outside the ICU, his head in his hands, gripping his hair tightly.
“Bill…” Mike muttered as he sat down next to him.
“She’s been in there over half an hour. What’s taking so god damn long!” he said angrily.
“I’m sure they’re just making sure they haven’t missed anything.” Mike told him, not really sounding sure himself. Dad finally looked up and saw me standing a few feet away with my hands shoved deep in my pockets, staring at the floor.
“I’m sorry Frankie. I couldn’t bare you to see what I saw in the house. You understand that right?”
I nodded. He stood up and hugged me tightly. We remained like that for a few minutes until he finally loosened his grip. He sat back down, while I stayed standing.

“Mr. Armstrong?” a gruff voice asked from behind me. Dad looked up and saw a police officer. “I’d like to ask you a few questions.
“Not right now.” He mumbled.
“I’m sorry sir, but it is extremely important that you answer these questions to help us in our investigation.
“I said not right now!” he exclaimed angrily, standing up. He really scared me when he was like this. “I’m sorry too. But right now my wife is in there, fighting for her life. I will answer your questions. But first I have more important things to worry about! Got it?!”
Even the officer seemed to shrink back when dad yelled at him. He simply nodded and walked off somewhere.

“Mr. Armstrong?” a doctor finally called, walking out of the ICU. Dad stood up quickly, looking at the doctor expectantly. We walked off to the edge of the room to have a bit more privacy to talk. I think we both knew what he was going to say by the look on the doctor’s face, dad wrapped one arm around my shoulders, I knew this was the best he could do to comfort me right now.
“I’m terribly sorry Mr. Armstrong. We did everything we could. We gave her several blood transfusions, but she had already lost too much. She went into cardiac arrest and we were unable to save her. I’m so sorry. If you want to see her you can, but she will need to be taken downstairs quite soon, and I’m not sure how you would feel about taking your daughter in. It might be distressing.” The doctor’s words seemed to ring in my ears, as I felt dad’s arm tighten around my shoulders. I let them wash over me, not wanting to believe them. They seemed so unreal. A mere few hours ago I was with her, she was laughing, and smiling, and happy. She was normal. But now she’s gone. It’s not… it can’t be true!

“Frankie?” my dad’s voice was soft, almost inaudible, especially compared to the doctors. I only just noticed tears were dripping down my face as I looked up at him through the water filling my eyes. “Do you want to see her? One last time. To you know… say goodbye and stuff?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to remember her like that. I wanted to remember her as she was those few hours ago.
“Are you sure?” I nodded.
“I don’t want that to be my last memory of her.” I mumbled.

He nodded understandingly, I could see tears shining in his eyes again, but I knew he was desperately trying not to let them fall as he pulled me into a close hug, as I buried my head in his shoulder. I cried into his chest for a minute, letting my tears soak his shirt, before I stepped back out of it.
“Go say bye to her.” I whispered, pushing him gently towards the ICU. “Say bye to her from me.” I know it probably sounded stupid. But it gave me the closest thing to closure I could manage.
“Go sit with Mike. Tre should be here soon too.” I nodded.

I walked back to where we had previously been sitting, and Mike looked up, he didn’t bother asking when he saw the state of me. He just stood up quickly and dragged me into his chest tightly. I began to sob as he rubbed my back comfortingly. He kissed the top of my head and whispered softly.
“I’m so sorry Frankie.”
“She can’t- it can’t-” I couldn’t finish my sentence; I don’t even know what I was trying to say.
“I know mate.”

“Frankie?” a small voice asked from behind us. I broke away from Mike's arms and saw Joey standing with his friend, whose house he had been at all day, and his friend’s mom.
“I got a message that I should bring him here.” His friend’s mom told us.
“Yeah. That was from me. Thanks for bringing him here.” Mike nodded to her. The pair walked off so Mike could talk to her about what was going on.
“Frankie why are you crying?” he asked in his innocent 5 year old manner, walking over to me. I fell to my knees to be at his height.
“Listen Joe.” I mumbled through my tears, I could feel the lump in my throat, but I tried to talk past it. “Mommy’s gone away for a while.”
“Where’s she gone?” he asked his eyes wide.
“She’s gone somewhere really nice. Where she’s really safe.” I told him. I couldn’t bare to tell him she had died, he’s only 5! “She won’t be back for a real long time though.”
“Did I do something wrong? Did mommy leave because of me?”
“Oh no! You haven’t done anything wrong!” He was breaking my heart!
“Then why has she gone?” he mumbled, looking down at his tiny shoes, tears forming in his eyes.
“Because she has to. She’ll miss you a real lot though Joe. Honest. She’ll think about you every day.” I could barely see him now through my tears, but I was kind of hoping he would accept my flimsy reasoning.
“But I don’t want her to leave.” He cried, wrapping his tiny arms around my neck.
“I know. Neither do I. But she’s in a real nice place now.” I reassured him, standing up and picking him up with me, his arms still wrapped around my neck and his head buried in my shoulder.

I felt a hand on my other shoulder, and I turned to Tre standing next to Mike, they both looked just as heartbroken as I felt; Tre gently grabbed my arm and pulled us both into a hug, unable to hold back his own tears any longer. Mike simply put his hand on my back and rubbed it gently again.