Who I Am

“Hey, Ev, where’re you going?”

“To the office,”

“Why?”

“I’m coming down with another migraine; I’m not gonna be able to make it through the day.” Eva replied, pushing on at full speed down the halls of her high school. Following closely at her heel was her closest friend, Erica, who looked at Eva with deep concern.

“But Ev, can’t you just make it through Spanish class? We’re giving our presentation today, and I really don’t want to go up there alone.”

“Seriously, Erica, I’m starting to get nauseous. The sooner I can get home and sleep, the better.” Eva replied in a weak voice, approaching the office doors and swinging them open. She was in such a rush that she accidentally ran right into someone and was knocked backwards off of her feet.

“Sorry!” Eva looked up at the irritated girl she had walked into. Unable to say anything rude because she was in the presence of the school’s secretary, the girl simply gave Eva a dirty look before leaving. Erica helped Eva get to her feet.

“Ignore her.” Erica muttered as she helped Eva to the desk.

Several minutes later, Eva found herself sitting alone in a chair beside the office, waiting for her mother to pick her up. She glanced out the front door, searching anxiously for her mother’s car, but was distracted by her reflection in the glass. She was a pretty girl with natural beauty. Her shoulder lengthy choppy blonde hair framed her delicate, heart-shaped face in gentle waves. Orb-like blue eyes stared back at her, fringed with long black eyelashes that brushed her cheek with every blink. She tore her eyes away from the window and stared at her feet, which barely grazed the ground; a drawback to being petite.

A bell rang somewhere from within the depth of the school, and only a minute later the hallway adjacent to the atrium she sat in was crowded with students. Some broke away from the flow and entered the office, looking at her only once. Eva preferred not to look at the students as they passed by; they made her anxious and she became uncontrollably embarrassed whenever she made eye contact with any of them. She went back to staring at her reflection.

It was then that something large fell from above and hit her in the head. She yelped, half in surprise and in pain, and impulsively looked up to see whose fault it had been. She could hear laughter coming from the balcony above her, and a moment later someone came rushing down the flight of stairs she sat facing to retrieve their item.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” He rambled, grabbing the soft cover book he had dropped, and looking at her. Eva recognized him as the same boy she always noticed sat only a table over from her at lunch. His distinctly almond shaped eyes were apologetic, and his weak smile was accompanied with dimples that appeared on his bronze cheeks. His skin tone was a health tan, and his hair, which was that kind of dark brown which was barely distinguishable from black, was cut short but slightly ruffled as though he hadn’t had enough time to style it before hopping out of bed in the morning. Eva felt her cheeks grow scarlet.

“It’s okay! Really, I’m fine,” She said in an unnaturally high voice, shifting in her seat and crossing her legs, pretending to start fidgeting with something on her backpack.

“Okay, that’s good,” the boy said, turning and hurrying off so he wouldn’t be late to class, “SORRY!” he called again over his shoulder before he disappeared down the hall. As soon as he was gone, Eva felt as though something had deflated inside of her. Why couldn’t she just act natural? A ton of one-liners that she could have replied to him with instead began to fill her mind, all of which would make her look cute or funny, but when he had been there her mind had been like a slate, wiped clean of all thought. She thought of all the popular girls, how they had a new boyfriend every week, and how they could manipulate boys with just the right words.

“Eva, are you okay?” Eva glanced up to see her mother hurrying toward her, with arms outstretched. Eva stood up slowly and embraced her, trying to forget everything that had just happened.

“I guess.” She muttered into her mother’s shoulder. Both she and her mother were short; Eva was only five-foot-one, and her mother only a couple inches taller. Her mother pulled away and took Eva by the hand, leading her out of the building and into the chilly January air. The sun was blinding, reflected off of the wet roads and receding snow banks, so that Eva kept her eyes squinted until they were in the car, somewhat protected by tinted windows.

“This is usually warm weather, is it not?” Eva’s mother mused, pulling out her sunglasses and putting them on. Eva looked at her mother with resentment.

“You grew up in Sweden.”

“That does not mean it does not get warm there too.” Her mother replied, “But even for this part of the world it is warm. Though back in Sweden…”

Eva leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes tightly as her mother pulled out of the parking lot, trying to ignore her mother’s predictably lengthy lecture about life back in Sweden. Eva had heard the lecture enough, both from her mother and her brother, who had spent most of his life living in Sweden with their father. Eva suspected she was the only one in her immediate family who hadn’t lived there for more than a couple months, and who could speak clear English without a thick accent. She was also the only one who couldn’t actually speak Swedish fluently; it had just been one of those things that never quite clicked with her brain. She could understand it fully, but only knew how to say a select handful of words. Her mother blamed it on the fact that Eva didn’t think it was “cool”; Eva blamed it on the fact that her mother had always forced her to live as “American” of a life as she could. Eva’s thoughts were interrupted when she felt a blast of icy air hit her face full-on.

“Mom, close the window,” She groaned, her head beginning to throb again. Her mother scoffed and rolled it up reluctantly.

“It is not that cold, Eva.”

“Maybe in Sweden this is bathing suit weather, but to the rest of us it’s COLD.” Eva snapped back, opening her eyes and glaring at her mother, whose eyes were masked by her sunglasses.

“When you get home, try to get some sleep.” Her mother replied in a cool, calm tone, though Eva could tell she had treaded through dangerous waters. Eva closed her eyes and tried to relax again; the rest of the trip was passed in silence.

“SO, who are you gonna ask?” Erica asked cheerfully, taking a seat with a flourish at the lunch table. Eva, whose head felt terribly sore, glanced up at her friend.

“Ask about what?”

“Umm, duh. Winter formal?” Erica replied, “Seriously, you didn’t know?”

“You know I don’t go to dances, Erica.”

“Well, this year you are. And you’re gonna have a date too. You know why?”

“Why?” Eva poked impatiently at her baked potatoes with a fork.

“It’s on your eighteenth birthday. We’re gonna take you out to dinner, go to the dance, and have a party!” Erica said excitedly; Eva, however, glared at her friend.

“Oh come on Erica, you know that’s not how I want to spend my birthday! I can think of so many things that could go horribly wrong with this,”

“It’s on your birthday! You pretty much HAVE to go!”

“No, I don’t.”

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Both Erica and Eva looked up to see their friend Devon approach them and take a seat beside Erica. He looked between the two with confusion.

“Girl stuff.” Erica spat at him. Devon continued looking at the two for a moment longer before he tentatively dug into his food, turning away from Eva and Erica’s conversation.

“Seriously though, Erica, I’m not going. No one’s going to ask me to the dance, and you know I’m not socially capable of doing so myself. I’d have a mental meltdown before I would even get the question out of my mouth.”

“How do you know no one’s going to ask you?” Devon added in, already giving up on ignoring them.

“Have the hots for Ev?” Erica teased him.

“No, I already have a girlfriend, remember?”

“Because no one’s ever asked me before.” Eva muttered. Devon shrugged.

“That’s not to say no one’s going to ask you this year.”

“I know they won’t. I’m just too shy; any guy who’s interested in me is turned off because I can’t even say a simple sentence without sounding fake and jumbling up my words.” Eva said. She stared down at her food and felt her eyes begin to sting and grow hot.

“Aw, Ev, don’t worry about it. The more you worry, the tenser you’re gonna get in a situation like that.” Devon said, taking a bite of an apple.

“Besides, I’m gonna make sure you have a date to the dance. I’ll try everything in my power to get you one, okay?” Erica proclaimed, standing up and holding out her hand for Eva to shake. Eva sighed.

“I just don’t want to go, okay?”

A shrill laugh sounded from behind them, and they turned to look. In the hallway stood the same girl Eva had run into the day before, hanging off of the arm of the same boy who had accidentally dropped a book on her head. The group had been looking at her, but as soon as she had turned around they looked away – though not without sharing a laugh. The only person who didn’t turn was the boy, who continued to stare at her with a strange look on his face.

“Eva, where’re you going?” Erica asked as Eva stood up.

“Bathroom,” Eva choked, unable to hold back the tears this time around.