The Dinner Of A Lifetime

“Jalil, please tell me you didn’t.”

My best friend smiled sheepishly at me, biting her lip as she sat on my couch, “Didn’t do what?”

I waved the white envelope in her face, “Didn’t sign me up on a blind dating site!”

“Well,” she stalled, her dark eyes full of innocence, “I didn’t sign you up for on a regular dating site…”

I waited for her to finish her sentence, but when she didn’t I shoved my hands through my curly red hair, “Regular? Regular?! Are you saying you entered me into a mythical dating site?”

“What’s so wrong with that?” Jalil asked, “You could meet some hot, muscular werewolf or a dark, kinky vampire.”

“Or,” I stressed, tossing the envelope at her head, “I could meet an incubus and die!”

She smiled, “The sex would be amazing...”

I closed my eyes, “Yes, Jalil, because I’d risk my life for sex.”

“Yeah,” she scoffed, muttering, “like you actually have sex.”

I raised a brow, “Excuse me?”

“Nothing! I was just, uh, saying that… it would be interesting!” she handed the envelope back to me, “Look, just check it out. It’s one dinner date and you’re not required to actually sleep with the guy.”

I looked down at the inconspicuous envelope, the hand written address not too much to worry about. The only information I can gather from it is that my date’s name is Kort Hendury. No, the front of the envelope was normal, but it was the black ink on the pointed flap that had me worried.



Yeah, like I’m really going to trust that.

“I don’t know, Jalil. Where did you find the guy?”

Jalil scratched her short black hair and looked everywhere, but at me, “Um, the internet.”

“The internet?!” I exploded, “Are you insane? Serial killers set up date on the internet!”

I paced my living room, making sure not to ram my shin into my stone coffee table, as Jalil watched me.

“It’s not that bad, Timberly,” Jalil said, “It’s a legitimate website. They have background checks and everything.”

“Background checks?” I stopped my pacing and stared at her, “and how did I pass the background check when I didn’t fill it out!”

“I… filled it out for you,” she whispered.

“You filled it out for me,” I said quietly, staring at her.

She nodded, knowing that when I get quiet I’m really pissed, “Yes…”

“Great, just flipin’ great. Who knows what you put in there, you probably said I’m a blonde haired, blue eyed model. How do you think this guy’s going to feel when he sees me? A redheaded, green eyed mechanic?”

“He’ll melt into a puddle when he sees how hot you are.”

“Don’t compliment me when I’m mad at you.”

“Timby, the only time you see any men is at the shop, and I don’t even think those greasy guys count. You never go out. Just open the letter.”

I sighed, “You owe me.”

Jalil glared at me, “No, I don’t owe you. You could meet the man of your dreams!”

“Or I can die. We’ve already been through this.”

“Come on,” Jalil stood and took the envelope from me, holding the top corners by her finger tips and making it dance in the air, “hot animal sex with a werewolf…” she sang.

I bit the side of my mouth, “A sexy werewolf?”

“Of course, or a kinky vampire. Hey! Maybe he’s in to biting!”

I glared at her, “Not funny.”

“It was a little funny…”

Taking the envelope I shake my head, “No, not even a little.”

~*~

The restaurant was pretty, open and spacious so that it seemed there was more privacy. The table was set with a white cloth and table ware, red napkins and decorated settings adorning it. I sat back in my chair, smoothing my dark purple dress. I’ve been sitting here for almost twenty minutes, waiting for my date to show up.

Damn, he better be a really hot werewolf.

Lifting my glass of burgundy wine I take a sip, letting the flavors roll on my tongue before I swallow. I was lifting the glass for another sip when I felt a presence by the table. Turning I stare at the creature, shock coursing through my body.

His head just breached the top of the table, his body bony with oddly colored brown skin. He was wearing dirty strips of clothing, pieces of the old fabric frayed and ripping. He had a tall, pointy hat on his head that looked like it belonged on a garden gnome.

“I’m sorry, but this table’s been reserved,” his voice was scratchy and high pitched, making my eye twitch a little.

“Um, yes, I know. I’m meeting my date here.”

The creature frowned, “I’m meeting my date too, we’re supposed to be at this table.”

I frowned, “Kort Hendury?”

The creature nodded, “Yes, how did you know my name?”

I sighed, “Because I’m your date.”

He shook his head, “No, no, my date’s name is Tim.”

Damn you, Jalil, “Yes… I’m Timberly.”

He stared silently at me for a few seconds, “The ad said your coworkers call you ‘Tim’.”

“They do. The men at the shop think it’s funny.”

The short creature waddled to the open chair, jumping up so that he could sit, “I thought you had accidently click ‘F’ in the gender section.”

“You thought I was a guy… wait, what are you?”

“I’m a hobgoblin and yes, I thought you were a guy.”

“A gay hobgoblin…” I whispered, disbelief evident, “Oh, Jalil, you are so dead.”

Kort frowned, “Who’s Jalil?”

I sighed and put my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table, “My friend. She secretly signed me up.”

“So you didn’t fill out the information?”

I shook my head and looked up at him, “No. I found out when the agency sent that letter with the information about our date.”

“So you could be a serial killer,” Kort squeaked.

I glared at him, “And you could steal all my money and add it to your pot of gold.”

“Hey! I’m not a leprechaun. Those greedy green bastards only think of themselves.”

“No, you’re just their brown cousin.”

“Well,” the hobgoblin sighed, “apparently this isn’t going to work.”

“You’re right,” I replied as I picked up the menu, “but that doesn’t mean we can’t have the meal the agency’s paying for.”

Kort smiled, showing his crooked, dirty teeth, “True, I think I might get the halibut.”

“The chicken sounds good too.”

~*~

“I don’t believe you.”

Kort snorted a laugh, “It’s true! He told me he needed to pick up a cake for his girlfriend’s birthday.”

I sat back in my chair, pushing my empty plate away, “And you two were still in bed?”

Kort nodded, “Yup, I just had one of the best sexual experiences of my life and here he’s telling me he has a girlfriend.”

“That’s horrible.”

Kort sighed, “Yeah, it is. I ended up tossing him out on his ass.”

I shook my head, “So then you signed up for the blind dating?”

“Yup, and you can see how well that worked for me.”

“Hey, we’re sittin’ in the same boat here.”

Kort smiled, pulling out the gift card that the agency had sent him to pay for the dinner. Gathering my things I stood, smiling as Kort hopped from his chair, “Did you take a cab?”

He nodded, “Yeah, my car’s been acting up lately and I can’t drive a normal rental.”

I frowned, “What’s it doing?”

“My car? The ‘check engine’ light won’t go off.”

I smiled, “Before you take it in to a shop go and tighten your gas cap. If the light doesn’t go out a day or two after that then take it in.”

“A loose gas cap will turn the engine light on?”

I nodded as we walked out the door, “Yeah, the pressure gets screwed up if it isn’t tight.”

“Hmm, I’ll try that. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

We stopped outside the restaurant, a slightly awkward silence falling between us. We stared at each other, Kort finally smiling.

“We’ll never see each other again, will we?”

“Nope,” I said simply as a cab pulled up.

“Good, ‘cause I still think you’re a serial killer,” He said as he opened the door.

“Yeah, and you’re a brown leprechaun.”

“I’m not a leprechaun!”

Walking away I laugh as his scream echoed down the street, turning a few heads. It didn’t take long for me to get home, the night I just had playing through my mind. It was all very awkward and a nice humorous break from my life. Not that I’ll tell Jalil that right away.

No, I think I’ll let her suffer for a little bit.

Opening the door to my apartment I step inside, only to be tackled by Jalil’s petite body.

“Was he hot? Werewolf or vampire? Did you guys make out? Have nasty, kinky animal sex? Tell me everything.”

I shove Jalil off me, slamming the door shut with my foot, “He was definitely not hot, or a vamp or were. No, we didn’t make out, and I would never have any kind of sex with him.”

Jalil frowned, “Why?”

“Because he was a gay hobgoblin!”

Jalil stared at me after my outburst, “I am so sorry.”

“I just bet you are. You owe me.”

She nodded her head and looked down, “Yeah, I know. What is it you want me to do?

“You’re going to pay for a cab to take us to the local Were Bar where you will pay for all of my drinks.”

“Even the one’s guys want to buy you?”

I thought about it, “No, you don’t have to purchase those.”

“Do I get to flirt with the guys?”

“Only if they’re not interested in me, now go get dressed.”

I watched as she walked to her room, pouting, but I knew she was jumping for joy on the inside. Walking to my room I sigh, preparing myself for the hangover I’ll have tomorrow.

Damn, I’m gonna need some really good animal sex to wipe the memory of that date from my mind.