Born and Broken Every Single Time.

I walked nervously along the hall, unsure of what to think. I heard the rustling from downstairs. Mikey helping his mother clear up while his father rested in front of the television, but that shouldn't consume my mind because I had to do this. I stopped outside Gerard's door, just listening for a moment as he muttered profanities quietly to himself. I knocked on his door faintly, feeling my heart sink further as he rudely told me to go away, not holding back with the swearing as he did so. I ignored his order, opening the door slowly as I looked in.

Gerard sat on his bed, his back flush to the wall as he curled his knees to his chest. He had his head buried in his hands as his fingers ran clumsily through his black locks. I couldn't help but feel myself long to comfort him at the sight before me. He seemed so low. I knew I couldn't though, I knew what I had said was seriously out of line and I knew it had hit him harder than I even thought it could have.

"I'm sorry," I began feebly, sitting in the chair near the bottom of his bed. I had momentarily thought of sitting on the edge of his bed, but I didn't want to push this. I glanced over to him as I sat clenching my fists as some form of distraction. He didn't look up, he barely even moved. The room seemed silent bar his sketchy breathing, if I didn't know any better I'd say he was crying, but that wasn't him.

"Get out," he said plainly, his voice barely scraping past a whisper. I didn't say anything; in all honesty I didn't really know what to say. I refused to leave however, knowing that I had to sort this out now – I couldn't just let this lie. I remained where I was, resting my chin on my clench fists as I stared at Gerard, watching him glance up to note I hadn't moved. His eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks stained from what I could only presume to be tears. He bit his lip as he looked at me, trying not to break the eye contact, trying to hold back.

"We need to talk," I said plainly, casting my gaze to the ground. I couldn't do that, hold the eye contact any longer. His beautiful hazel eyes glistening through his tears all because of me, I couldn't witness that knowing I was hurting him.

"There's nothing to say Frank," he said as he sat up, leaning properly against the wall rather that curling up. I looked over again, watching him as he stared blankly ahead of him before continuing. "All I wanted to do was help."

"I know," I replied quietly. "I'm so sorry, you know I didn't mean what I said."

"You still said it," he muttered quietly, still refusing to look at me. "You don't understand how bad it was to see you like you were. I put up with things to try and stop anything else getting to you, you don't need my problems as well as yours."

"Don't protect me," I sighed, still watching him as he stared blankly ahead. "Tell me the truth Gerard, you didn't seem to hold it back next door."

"I'm not going to pretend I didn't mean it," he muttered. It kind of hurt to hear him say that but sadly I could see his point from what he had said. I hated my dad one minute, then suddenly he was great to me. I wanted to believe I could prove Gerard wrong, that I wouldn't fall out with my dad and bring everything back up. I knew I would. "But Frank, you aren't ready for honesty."

"Just tell me," I pleaded, watching as he finally looked over briefly before repositioning his gaze to the opposite wall. "Don't bullshit me."

"Don't go crazy?" he asked, running his hand through his hair to get it out of his face. It didn't really work as his locks fell back to their original resting place, but it sufficed to pass a moment before I replied, urging him just to tell me.

"I have my own issues Frank," he muttered. "They're nothing compared to what I used to be like, but I had no one to turn to. I never felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone and I messed myself up so bad. I didn't want that for you. As soon as I saw there was something wrong, I longed to help, I didn't want you to go through what I did."

"I don't want you to worry about me Gerard," I sighed, my teary eyes meeting with his own.

"No," he continued. "I don't want anyone to go through what I did. I-I heard you that day, when you told Mikey about everything you'd done. I-I heard my brother apologise over and over for not being there. Don't get me wrong, I love him but I knew if anything did happen he'd be oblivious, and even if you told him he would hardly help. It's not his thing."

"But still," I muttered, wiping a tear that ran down my cheek. "This isn't your problem."

"That night," he continued, ignoring my statement as he returned to stare at the wall ahead of him. "When we were in the alleyway, when you showed me your stomach, I felt like such a fucking failure. I just wanted to protect you."

"But I'm not your responsibility," I sighed. "I need you to know that I expect nothing from you, I'm your brothers friend, not your brother."

"I know," he sighed. "But I've always liked you Frank, I've always seen you as like another little brother to me. The way you spoke to me that night, the way you looked at me when you walked out of that alley way, it reminded me of everything that had gone on in my life. I felt so horrible that night to feel like I'd failed you, because all my life I've been told I'm a failure by others. Not my family, but pretty much everyone else."

"Gerard…" I began slowly, unsure of what to say. He shook his head instantly, wiping a tear and sniffing before he continued.

"Let me finish," he sighed. "I did something stupid that night Frank, something seriously stupid. I felt like I was a teenager again, I don't know what I thought I would achieve, I just needed something to get rid of the way I was feeling."

"Please," I said quietly, my eyes widening as I looked at him. "Gerard, you're scaring me."

"Don't feel like that," he said. "You said you wanted honesty, and I'm giving you honesty. You didn't want to show me your stomach earlier, I guess if it had been the other way around I'd be the same."

"No," I interrupted, causing him to look at me, his eyes alerting me to his shock that I'd spoken. "No Gerard, you can't tell me that-"

"I don't want you to feel anything is your fault Frank," he sighed as he slowly moved his hands to his shirt, sliding it delicately over his porcelain skin and revealing an array of lacerations to his perfect stomach, much like I had inflicted but appearing so much deeper. "Just trust me with this Frank, don't interrupt me. Just let me finish."

I nodded feebly as he pulled himself to sit at the edge of his bed, pulling the drawer of his bedside table open carefully before rummaging through it without uttering a single word. As I watch his brow furrow at whatever was in his drawer I felt tears gently stream down my face more flowingly than before. It was horrible to see what he had done to himself because he thought he had failed me. I had no idea, I had never thought any of this was going on his mind. I felt so horrid, so disgusted in myself that I had caused someone to hurt themselves, especially someone like Gerard.

I watched as he pulled out an empty pill container before placing it on his bedside table, moving the cups sitting there out of the way to accommodate for the tub. He delved back into the drawer, silently removing two more containers, both still containing some percentage of tablets, before looking back at me and sliding the drawer closed.

"I've done a lot of stupid things in the past, and believe me when I say I'm past that now," he continued waveringly. "But that night, something fucking crazy happened to me, I felt like I was back there and for god knows how long I got worse at dealing with things." He indicated to the empty pill containers. "I thought I could focus in on Eva and get through this, but then I think we all know what happened. I-I just want you to know, I wasn't thinking of you like that, like when that happened.. you were just kind of on my mind."

I nodded weakly as he spoke. I never thought I'd see the day where he would talk about this issue without me mocking him, seeing as last time we did it resulted in us decided we were at war, in a manner of speaking. I remember how I went back into Mikey's room and heard him moaning my name jokingly, and here we were back on the topic, both of us looking utterly dejected and heartbroken.

"I know you're here for your own good Frank," he began. I could tell by the way he looked at me I wasn't going to like what he was going to say next. "But you have to understand, I've failed you and I think it's best if we just try keep out of each other's way."

"You haven't failed me," I replied quietly, sniffing as I felt tears form gently in my eyes before wiping them away with my sleeve. "You haven't done anything wrong. I had no idea…"

"Frank, please," he said quietly. "Please, just go."

I took one last tearful look at him before dragging myself from the chair, leaving his room and closing the door gently behind me. I trudged back to Mikey's room feeling my heart sink as I slumped onto Mikey's bed. I put the pillow over my face as some form of cover to hide my tears. I felt so horrible, I had been so wrapped up in my own problems, I just had no idea.