Born and Broken Every Single Time.

He nodded in response to my statement as I walked out of his room and closed his door behind me. I walked down the hall confidently, feeling my confidence crash around me as I lifted my hand to knock on his door. I looked at my clenched fist, willing myself just to knock and get this over with but slowly I moved my hand back to my side, sliding it into my pocket.

I bit my lip as I just stared at the door before me. I couldn’t just go back to Mikey’s room without doing this. I raised my hand again with the intention of knocking on the door but again found myself holding back. I thought for a moment, wondering what it was that was stopping me just knocking the stupid door. The hardest part was leaving Mikey’s and actually coming to the room, knocking the door was a mere formality.

After running this thought repetitively through my mind for a few moments I finally found it within myself to get over my idiocy and knocked the door, waiting anxiously until I hear a groaned ’come in’. I opened the door and peeked in to find Gerard sitting on the edge of his bed fidgeting with the package the compass had come in, which made me smirk slightly.

He looked up to see who it was, closing his eyes and sighing deeply when he saw me staring back. I walked in and closed the door behind me, sitting in the chair and leaning towards him, just waiting, waiting for him to do or say something. He didn’t.

"Please just talk to me," I blurted out, causing him to look over at me. My eyes practically pleaded him just to say something to him, to hear him tell me everything he’d been thinking that he hid from me. I wished so much that he was an open book. "Stop being like this."

"I can’t do this Frank," he muttered. He didn’t tear his gaze from mine as I stared at him, willing him to just open up.

"Do what?"

"This," he said, gesturing with his hands after putting down the compass. "I-I can’t. I’m going, I-we… distance."

"No," I said bluntly. Though his words were totally incoherent, I understood what he meant. I had a strange feeling as I looked him, knowing that I could just understand even if I couldn’t read him. Maybe that was more important than being able to just know. "You can fucking do this. Talk to me, please."

I stood up and walked over to his bed, sitting beside him and watching him glance awkwardly at the floor. I placed my hand under his chin, forcing him to look at me as my eyes pleaded as much as my voice just had. I just wanted, needed to know what he thought, what was running through his head.

"I can’t do this," he repeated. "I-I’m leaving…"

I bit my lip as I looked at him. The way he spoke, it seemed as if it was all finally sinking in. Not the whole "my dream" thing, but that he had to make sacrifices to make his dream come true. The way he said he was leaving, so disheartened, so to the point. It was like that even though that was his new beginning in a few weeks, he’d already began to end his chapter here. He was distancing himself from all he knew, all he loved. It was strange to witness. God knows how it must feel.

"Which is all the reason to stop being like this," I pressed. "You’ll fucking regret it."
"I don’t regret," he shrugged.

"So you’re saying that when you’re in your new house, you won’t look back to this moment and think you were stupid to push everyone away? Me, Mikey, anyone and everyone else?"

"I won’t let myself," he continued drearily, trying to look away but failing against my protest.

"You won’t need to ’let’ yourself if there’s nothing to regret," I pressed. I kept my hand on the side of his face, having edged it from his chin. I refused to let him look away, I couldn’t. I just wanted him to look at me and not just see me. I wanted him to understand me. I wanted him to see why he had to stop this. He wasn’t the only one being affected.

"You need to realise being left behind is just as hard as leaving," I smirked, causing a smile to briefly grace his face. "Please, please just stop this."

"I-I can’t…"

"Yes, you can," I pressed, leaning slightly closer to him. "Stop doing this."

"I can’t Frank," he muttered. His eyes said everything he wouldn’t. The tears gently formed in the corners as he stared at me, practically pleading me to stop this. I couldn’t. "I have to let go."

"But not yet," I countered, wiping a stray tear from his cheek gently with my thumb. "Just let the next few weeks be normal, don’t push us all away."

"I can’t pull myself away from everything again," he sighed.

"Distance," I stated plainly, "is what we’ll have when you go. But now? There’s no distance bar the one in your head. Please, just stop blaming that for everything just now, seize the fucking day Gerard, because in a few weeks you’re not going to have the same chances."

He stared at me thoughtfully for a moment before making my heart fucking burst. He leaned towards me and pressed his lips to mine. It was only brief, seemingly just a thank you but it was more than I needed. I got through to him. I actually got through the exterior and struck a chord in him. He rested his forehead against mine and just looked at me. I smiled as I looked back, realising as he looked he didn’t just see, he understood.

As I felt his arms wrap around me in a hug, he whispered a thank you to me. Although the hug itself seemed to last an eternity, when we did finally loosen our hold of each other I didn’t feel so defensive. I didn’t feel that if I let go of him he’d disappear. I didn’t feel like if I didn’t keep my eye on him at all times he might just walk out and leave. I let go, knowing that just for the next few weeks it wasn’t going to be distanced. It was going to be real.