Born and Broken Every Single Time.

returned to Mikey’s room with a smile on my face. Mikey looked up as I walked in, just to check who it was and smiled a welcome in my direction. He finished sending his text before putting his phone carefully on his bedside table before turning to me. I was now sat in the chair after closing the door behind me, sitting cross-legged like I always did.

"What did he say?" he asked.

"Wha-"

"Come on," he grinned. "I knew you were going to talk to him, you’re so predictable."

"Uh, well," I blushed. "He’s going to stop being distant with everyone and all that."

"Ah, that’s amazing," Mikey grinned. He didn’t say anything else, just seeming happy enough that his brother seemed to agree that normality was what they needed. He fidgeted with his phone, seeming to will it to go off. When it finally did, he grinned like a little child before hastily replying. There was no point in trying to talk as he texted; he wouldn’t pay any attention. I waited until he put his phone down before I continued. I didn’t know how this was going to go.

"I-I kind of realised something too…" I began nervously. I wasn’t looking at him, I was too busy fidgeting with the edge of my jeans just to find some distraction. I could just tell he’d be looking over curiously.

"It sounds kind of ominous," he giggled. I looked up nervously and saw the smile slowly drain from his face as he saw my expression. He could see I wasn’t joking, see the tension in what I was thinking.

"I, uh, I’m going to move back home," I muttered, biting my lip as soon as it was said. I saw Mikey’s eyebrows raise in silent shock. He didn’t say anything at first, just seeming to run it through his mind to make sure he heard it correctly.

"You don’t have to," he mumbled.

"I do," I sighed, conceding defeat.

In all honesty, if I could stay with them forever and keep things as they were, I truly would. Sadly, it wasn’t going to stay this way forever and I only ever came here in the first place after an argument boiled over. I came here to escape my past at home. Now it had been long enough to let things settle. I’d even gone home and I honestly wanted to believe my mother would change. I’d just have to take that risk. It was getting to the time where I’d have to go home and forget the past. I’d just go home and start my future.

"I need to sort things out," I shrugged.

"There’s no persuading?" he asked, noting me shake my head sadly before he continued. "Are you really sure?"

"I have to," I replied quietly. "You know I love staying here, but I can’t crash on your family any longer. I have to stick with mine. You get me, right?"

"Yeah," he said, forcing a weak smile. "But it’s like, you moved here because of your family in the first place. Are you really sure you want to go back there?"

"I don’t really have a choice," I muttered.

"You do. You can have Ge-"

"No, I can’t," I told him again. "Honestly, you know I’d probably stay here forever, but they’re my family Mikes. I can’t leave them. I-I don’t want to seem like I’m taking Gerard’s place once he goes… and I don’t want it to look like I was only here for him by moving out after him."

"What?" he blurted out, his pitch high in surprise. "You’re moving out before him?"

"You get why though," I muttered.

"I-I thought you’d maybe stay because you won’t see him for ages," Mikey shrugged.

I didn’t reply at first. I don’t think I could actually muster a reply. I just bit my lip thoughtfully as I cast my gaze to the floor. I hadn’t thought of that. Being in this house meant that although we were going back to school for a few days, when I came home he’d be here almost constantly. If I moved, I’d hardly see him and then, then he’d leave. And well…

I didn’t want to think of him actually leaving. I was just happy I had him back to normal for the time being, that I just had him. The thought of being without him left me feeling cold, numb inside. It was weird, because I actually lived in the same house with him for so long and now not only would I have to face moving out, I’d have to face him leaving which meant I would literally never see him. I didn’t like the thought at all, in fact I hated it.

"I, uh, have to," I shrugged. "If I don’t go now I never will."
"Now?" Mikey gasped.

"I don’t mean now now, but I mean in the next few days…"

"Have you spoken to your ’rents yet?" he asked, picking up his phone and throwing it carefully between his hands.

"Not yet, but they won’t mind," I sighed. "She asked me to come back anyway, and my dad will be back tomorrow so."

"Have you told Gerard?"

I bit my lip as I weakly shook my head. I never even thought that I’d have to tell him. I had the image in my mind that I’d pack my bags, go home to a changed family and just come back here as and when to see Mikey and Gerard. I buried my head in my hands and exhaled deeply, just trying to run what I could say through my mind. Nothing seemed coherent. I just kept picturing me going blank or avoiding the topic. Or even worse, I pictured actually telling him and just seeing that disappointment streak his eyes, just like before and making my heart sink entirely.

"It’s okay," Mikey reassured. "I can tell him for you."

"No," I pressed. "It’s fine, I’ll do it."

I slumped back in his chair as I continued along my train of thought. How could I really break it to Gerard that after telling him that the only distance was in his mind, I was really going to create a distance, albeit small? The thought didn’t settle too well with me, but some things in life you had to do. Maybe it was just as hard to leave as it is to be left behind, but maybe it’s harder to admit that some things were just never going to work out.